The Suffering

We all went to a tiny town I never truly appreciated, to visit a SIL I never knew even liked me all that much, to celebrate a beautiful not-so-little niece turning 12.

I never seen my SIL tear up after the whole 13 years I’ve known her. Even when her Grandma passed away, when she saw her brother come home from Iraq, but tonight I saw tearing as she told me to call her if I needed anything, to just talk, vent whatever.

I told her I prefer to break bricks in my back yard and it’s not that I don’t love her, or trust her but I probably wouldn’t call. She was understanding and said she wouldn’t call anyone either.

Then she mentioned Christmas. I was supposed to have Christmas at our house, I supposed to have a big 4th of July family bash as well. Well the 4th wasn’t happening and well Christmas? Good grief.. I have no idea.. yes I get excited to spend the holidays with my family, but to commit to hosting? Just makes me even more sad.

Her want to comfort me was kind. Because today has been a bad day.

My dear friend suicidal thoughts came to visit on our 1 1/2 hr ride home. I just thought of my kids killing themselves and was able to calm down that storm.

I feel so sad. I also feel I may be a bit Drama Queen because even when I don’t want to be sad it hits me like a brick coming out of nowhere.. Then I eat everything I can find!! Because I want to fill my emptiness, for a few seconds I feel okay. But no one wants to be the 1-ton woman so I have to curb that.

I remember the plans I had for this year and nothing has turned out.. Why? Because I just can’t function in this at times. I don’t want to commit because what if I just pack up our 4 and bail.. How can I host Christmas then? What if I don’t feel like celebrating?

Also my best friends wedding is coming up and I was so excited in January to go and be in it. I declined because I had to confirm the dress the day I got out of the mental ward and I wasn’t sure where I would be in Oct. I was quickly replaced and now I want to go. But the only option is to take the kids and drive.

M doesn’t like that option because maybe I won’t come back.. I never thought about it. But he may be right so maybe I won’t make it to the wedding after all..

I still can’t trust myself in that area..







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