Good grief I just want to file for divorce already..

Or he could just die..

Yeah today I prayed for it. I choose to love a forgiving, omnipotent, loving God so I’m pretty sure He’s not going to do it on my accord.

But when I’m crying in the shower I hope He will..

Ahh.. M would be so disappointed to know these things.. Not like I’m keeping them from him. I’ve told him all these things during this 5 month period in hell that seems to keep continuing..

Just haven’t told him lately. I’m sure he would understand coming from the land of liars and losers club.

I was starting to come out of my sadness, but then it just turned to rage not too long ago watching “Falling Skies” and “Hell on Wheels” with M. I will never know he’s over his affair. I just have to take his word, and his word is what to me??

Yeah nothing..

He’s being way better than the first time when he was supposedly working on his marriage.. Good Lord I swear I hate him so much thinking that this is his second time trying to work on being the husband that I want. Hell anyone would want.

One who is not a liar and honest. I mean I know I ask alot out of a spouse..

M answered my question that maybe one day I’ll know.. Motherfucker like I want to wait around for that day..

I really do think it will break my children’s hearts, their innocence of family, and their worldview divorcing M.

I feel trapped thinking that way and from what children say it’s true. They always want their Mom and Dad together and even adults who’s parents divorce take it really hard..

See there is another reason why I hate him..

I’m pretty sure today may be another rough day and I thought I was coming out of the suffering..

Heard some great things about a drug I might consider taking. Welbutrin I think?

One day this will all end.. the suffering, the sadness, the irritation of dishonesty and lies that were unnecessary. These past few days I’ve been pretty bent on being okay with divorcing him. I need to keep track of these things..

Because maybe it’s what needs to happen..

 

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24 thoughts on “Good grief I just want to file for divorce already..

      • Sorry, i don’t want mean to give you any push. We don’t have kids so that takes tonnes of burdens of my back.

        Whatever you decide you’re not a chicken shit, he was. After all that’s been done, staying or walking away both takes a lot of effort, bravery and grace. I wish you well

  1. Just to be clear, in the event that you file for divorce — the decision to end the marriage was not made by YOU, any more than someone who is handed a live grenade can be blamed for throwing it away. I hate how the person who committed the wrong (and let’s be clear here: cheating on your wife with her friend is a major, major intentional wrong) puts the “control” (blame) in the faithful spouse’s hands. “Well, What could I do? She wanted a divorce!”

    Whatever you decide to do, I hope you feel truly at peace with it — because clearly you deserve it.

  2. Not sure if you want my opinion from a dirtbag cheat like me, but…. I feel, from your recent posts, that he is trying. I feel he knows this is his last shot. I wish he had his own blog still to be sure, but… I really think he might finally, finally, finally realize how bad he sucks and is trying to make amends. Have you thought about giving him a time limit? Saying to him and yourself, “M – I will give this ONE LAST SHOT. I will promise to give my all to this marriage if you do the same and we will do all that we can for the next X months (2 or 3). After that, if my heart doesn’t feel it is on it’s way to healing, then we will be done.”

    Hopefully, he will not spend this time just groveling, and apologizing, but living a life that is indeed remorseful. Hopefully he would spend that time frame giving you his all and making you feel wanted and beautiful. Hopefully, hopefully this one last shot would work for you both.

    That is just my opinion from a sorry bastard that deserves the brunt of all BS and still has no regret…. 😦

    • Seriously you have a heart, opinion, and are loved by God so please no more name-calling yourself on my blog mmm–K?

      Also I have tried your theory only to back out. M is pretty strong I think there was one time he was looking at apartments in the whole 5 months. It was right before MR.

      M is starting to feel more confident while I seem to be crippling under the buckle of commitment. Trying hard for my marriage, for me, the Lord, my kids, this relationship.. none of those answers feel good when I am in extreme sadness πŸ™‚

      I also don’t keep my feelings or thoughts to myself. If I want to divorce him, I will tell him. If I think things about his affair I will ask or verify what he’s told me. So it’s hard to just stew and say okay self. We said we are sticking to this so I don’t care if you want to divorce we are sticking this out.

      Yeah it would be nice for M if I was one of those people. I am not 😦

      But thanks for giving M credit seriously sometimes I don’t see how hard he is committed or working. So it’s nice when someone points it out. He is a good guy he is, I just wish I could cut him slack you know.

      But I don’t even cut myself slack so it’s hard for me to extend that to others let alone the man I thought would love, protect, and not let others use me.

      Good grief I think this would have been easier if I didn’t know the broad and never talked with her, than the whole deceitful best friend deal.

      Thanks for your comments your opinions are always welcome here. ❀

      • That is WONDERFUL that you don’t keep your emotions bottled up. I think that is the problem with so many marriages – one or both partners spend their whole relationship guarding the other person and are, in turn, not always honest to them or themselves. So, kudos to you for know this!
        I get it is hard to cut him slack. He has lied to you again and again and in awful ways (not just saying he flushed the toilet when he didn’t). Of COURSE it is hard to cut him slack! Yes… I think knowing the OW is what makes it that much harder for you – it makes his lies that much more in your face.
        I am not trying to condone him at all (obviously), but the things you have said he has been doing lately, if you go back to the things he was doing 1 or even 2 months ago – far different effort at least from what you have shared.
        Okay… are you ready for a challenge? It will cause you to be committed for at least 40 days. Even if you have done this challenge, I feel now is a good time to do it again. Have you done the Love Dare? I can give you the link if it is something you want to do. It is hard as hell and I can give you my opinion on it from my end, but it is a dare for sure.

      • You know I had forgotten what he was doing at month 1 and 2.. I must go back there and remember but I do know the feeling. I feel his strength his resilience is coming back. It’s scary because I’m like this cocky motherfucker! Where does he get off! But back in the day I remember dealing with his wish washy stupid sad faces and be like bitch grow some balls!

        Do you see how your pal over here is a train wreck! I feel like my father. You’re too hard on the kids, You’re too easy on the kids..

        Once again thanks for pointing out things I can overlook in my madness of grief.

        You rock πŸ™‚ Still think you should tell your wife! But you do rock! πŸ™‚

    • I had an affair, I think we all do the “I’ll give it one last shot” thing – at least ten times! The problem is that when you are with a truly remorseful, sickened and disgusted reformed cheater, you feel like you are in the wrong for not being the “forgiving one.” But as my cheater said, to me once, when I was struggling (like most of the time, lol) “you know, no one is owed reconciliation after they broke you – broke your heart, broke your faith in humanity. I want it so badly, for us to work again, like we used to, but it is a really hard thing to do, to forgive the person you gave your future to, you gave your life to, for making everything you held dear, everything you believed in a lie. I was fucking your friend, in our houses, while telling you I loved you and that nothing was wrong when you started to feel something was off, that was incredibly cruel. It is so hard to forgive ANYONE who causes you deep pain, but the person you loved and trusted, that is near impossible.”

      And that is the crux of things, you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. That is the fence sitting. The reason you hop off on one side, then doubt what you have done, and hop back on, then maybe dip your toe on the other side, only to feel too scared to jump in completely, worried that you will drown because he held your head under last time. (Sorry, mixed metaphors – I’m good like that!)

    • We do have the books sorry we were getting dinner set for the kids.
      We got the books after watching Fireproof at our church. It was good inspiring and I get a little irritated knowing my husband did all he has done when participating in these type of things..

      But being self-righteous gets me no where. I mean seriously no movie, book, Bible, God, will get you to change your heart unless you want to apply and truly be open to the calling of love that God wants for your life.

      Sad thing is I thought my husband was open and seeking God. But he was just his path was against me rather than for or with me. Now he wants to do it with me.

      Anyways I’m glad you mentioned it. I remember the guy in Fireproof wanting to give up on like day 7 or some small number but he was encouraged to keep on..

      Thank you for your recommendation.. I will look at the book tonight hopefully without an attitude of disgust that I’ve been here before.

      But in loving my husband where he is at rather than wanting to smother him with my pillow at night πŸ™‚ ❀

      • Could I also recommend that, for you, you just do the dare and not tell him about it? Consider it your own challenge.

        I have to say – I laugh every time that you talk about smothering him or whatever…… It will be just your luck that he does somehow accidentally die from smothering one night and you’ve talked about it for months! πŸ™‚

      • Awww you got to me too late. We were just talking about you in our backyard! πŸ™‚ I told him.

        I suck at my own challenges anyways.

        But might I add you do know my story right?

        I am not that fortunate ❀ I apparently have a long road of learning and hard work for myself to learn my own journey.

      • I have read most of your story. I know enough to know, I think.. but can read more – any posts in particular you recommend?

        You were talking about me?! HA! Not sure how to feel about that…

      • No nothing in particular it’s good to know our friends do it (meaning M’s change) too. They help me see what is reality and how I perceive things may not be realistic or fair.

        Yes we were talking about your book recommendation and your view point on the situation. πŸ™‚ I will quote Olaf from Frozen “All Good things All Good things” πŸ™‚

      • Needed that laugh… Thanks… I will stop hijacking your blog now. Leave with this… don’t cut him slack or give him a break, but just take his actions in stride… view them warily, but accept them slowly.

  3. What I meant about my story is not too many women have my wonderful experience of their husband lying to them about touching their AP at a party, going to couseling, marriage conferences, all while letting his AP use his wife as well for 2+ years only to have them lie again with 1/2 truths about their affair for a month. Then have to worry that I might be a carrier for herpes.

    Yeah for my story to just happily end with M dying by accident all of a sudden.. I’m not that lucky in m opinion πŸ™‚

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