I definitely know my husband was and may still be one.. but I feel maybe I am one now.
I wonder if outsiders looking in see this whole mess I find myself in when I am completely depressed and angry to be drivel.
I told M my feelings after church quite matter of factly. He still thinks I’m angry because I haven’t forgiven him. I think it’s me. I’m angry because of me because like OnceWhole she says she commits only to find herself on the fence yet again..
I am here yet again. One week after Marriage Restore and I feel back at step 1 of all this nonsense. But maybe I’m doing what I always do and give little credit to where I’m due. But I feel empty today. I look at him and feel empty.
Empty for a guy who was doing our dishes while his depressed wife told him she hates him before she passed out in a hate stupor. So he decides to do the dishes and then the sink clogs on him. He orders pizza for dinner, dealing with a clogged sink, 3 kids and a teething feverish baby. He then fixes sink with FIL and goes to the store and takes all 3 girls with him.
So I am home alone again. So I don’t vomit hate all over our children. Boy is having a sleepover at a friends house so we are 1 less.
M has been truly amazing and yet I am angry, sad, and at times amazingly depressed. And I can see it all in their faces in their eyes they seem to say oh the crazy one is back.. the Mom who cries is back.. they can feel it.
And I am so sad right now.. I would love to say why.. I would love to have an answer, but I don’t and then I wonder maybe I do need some of those happy pills they dish out. To just get me by.. and then I remember I just don’t want to live my life getting by.
That is no fucking way to live at all!!
But anyways back to my point of M being a complete gem and me being the messed up spouse? Is that even a possibility? Of course it is, I just am either not owning that possibility or avoiding it.
Anyways I’m going to ask a few friends for accountability and see what their take on this is..
Here’s to tomorrow..