Disconnected and baking some cakes

I will make banana bread and sprinkle pancakes for my beautiful princess tomorrow. I cannot believe she is 6 already.

Her sparkle, her shine, I would love to say I am jealous of her, but I am not. I am so thankful for her she teaches me so much.

Well we had our church kick off and I look forward to it every year, but this year seemed off. Not as much fun.. not as much peace.  I felt so far away from M. I enjoyed talking with friends, but not M. We barely talked at all. We switched kids, gave reports on which kids were where, sat in line for snow-cones forever. I talked with my girlfriend the whole time.

I feel disconnected from M and I wonder if that is okay. I wonder if this is something I’m going to have to become used to. Not because M isn’t trying, or that I hate him. I’m sure that has something to do with the disconnect. Because I do. I’d be lying to myself and others if I said I didn’t

However you are what you think about. If I truly hate M and that is my focus how is that hate going to change me. Also do I really hate M as much as I say I do? I mean true hate throws and destroys all of his stuff on the front lawn, or poisons his food with ex-lax, or puts his toothbrush in the toilet bowl and afterwards puts it neatly back in place.

Isn’t that actual hate? So what is it that I’m doing?

I wonder if it’s like in the Mom book I’m reading called “The Mom I Want To Be” mostly dealing with Mom’s who have been abused or deeply hurt. A man in the book pointed out he wanted to take away his daughters things to show him how little he grew up with.

I think the same way sometimes that my children are so fortunate. Why can’t my son do this or that I had to do those things at that age! But I felt God reveal to me that thinking is just as damaging. Just because it isn’t a huge sin like beating a child, putting them in closets, neglecting them still the mentality can still be and I know is damaging to my children, which in turn damages me as well.

I was blown away. I wonder if it’s the same for how I feel about M. Yes I have pushed him a few times and hit him with my laptop in one incident, but for the most part civil while still harboring hate and resentment in my heart. I know doing those things will cause me additional pain, but I see it as not as bad.

Then I complain about the disconnect. Do you see how crazy warped I am?? Yup.. I claim this train wreck all the way to Love Dare Day 2 tomorrow! 🙂

Anyways I do feel immensely disconnected from M. I enjoy others company way more than M. I would prefer it actually, but is that helping my family stay together, is what I’m doing sealing my own fate in the dissolution of this family, this marriage? Instead of giving it a chance like I think it deserves?

Not that I need to pretend to like him. Nor do nice things for him to say that I tried. A part of me loves him like every other individual here on Earth well most anyway. But that really doesn’t make a marriage does it?

I wonder if my wonderful carpet guy is right. I just need to stay the course and figure everything out and put a wall up to M. Do the right thing and love on him, but keep him at a distance because really I don’t want to be married to him and I cannot force this.

After MR I knew there was hope and I could give this a shot. And day after day that hope dwindled. But I’m not at a brick smashing, live in squalor, stay in bed, eat all the things type of mood anymore.

I feel the blood in my cheeks, I feel the warmth of my smile, I feel me coming back, aging with patience.

The Love Dare Book in day 1 talks about how if your spouse wounds you that patience gives them a longer time to correct their wrong.

I don’t think I want to punish M anymore, not today anyway but I do need to put a wall up, to keep his advances at bay, to be patient because restoration in this marriage will not come at all if I’m not patient. Even if restoration never comes I still need to be patient and loving to this family unit.

This family that we built with God with no help from anyone at such a young age. Thinking we can do this on our own. I did it on my own I was faithful, I was smart and sometimes I take my self-righteousness a bit too far because I have come down hard with my gavel against M.

I still do I think.

Well here’s to a fabulous birthday celebration tomorrow. Here’s to Love Dare Day 2 with also saying loving words to M I must also do something nice for him.

I better figure it out tonight because I can be a real Momzilla on my kid’s birthdays and would hate to be like “Here’s a candy bar I was supposed to do something nice for you”

Good Night everyone 🙂

 

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6 thoughts on “Disconnected and baking some cakes

  1. I don’t know if this will help you, but it helped me. There’s an e card out there that says “I don’t exactly hate you but I’d you were on fire and I had water, I’d drink it.” And I thought, no, if it were Paul, I’d try to save him, no question. But Argyrodes? I would drink the water and I wouldn’t even feel bad about it. Honestly. There’s a difference between hating the person and seeing her as defined by these bad actions, and not. I hate that he cheated. I hate what he did. I hate that I have to live with it. I hate that I got no choice. I hate that I married him without knowing this would happen. But I can see some shred of good in him most days. At the low points that amounts to that he’s really really sorry and suffering seeing me suffer. At higher points I can see how he was so good to me until about 3 months before the affair, and since the affair. I suspect it’s going to turn out that he was a right bastard for about 18 months out of the decades of knowing him. For her on the other hand, she’s not sorry, she won’t leave us alone, she continues to try to hurt me further. She is truly evil to the core and this is just one expression of it. I hate her for not being like him. It doesn’t mean it eats away at me. Mostly it’s just that if she was drowning I wouldn’t throw her a line. It’s dismissive hate. For me to seethe with hate she’s got to be actually doing something awful right now, which she can’t keep up 24/7.

    Have you read Daniel Deronda? When Gwendolens awful pig of a husband drowns and she freezes and doesn’t help him, Daniel absolves her. And I think he’s right. It wouldn’t be heroic if we had to do it for our enemies.

    So ask yourself, which kind of hate is it? Actions? Or are the actions just expressions of a hated core? Is if dismissive hate or seething hate?

    I think you’re totally justified to have hate, it’s only the seething kind that’s bad. And it might not be hatred of *M* at all.

  2. Happy birthday to your little princess! I do not put pressure on my kids, but they are my rock. Some days, they are the only thing that keeps me here. I have decided to emotionally separate from my wife for a bit. I have become too entangled and enmeshed with her so that all of her actions or inactions seem to affect me. Whether or not I love her,is not the point. I just do not need to have my mood, attitude, or self worth hinge on how she treats me. If you are in the reading mood the book of Micah, it a good one as well. It is all about seeking justice. However, it is also about showing mercy while seeking and obtaining justice. That is just my one cent for the day. I apologize I don’t have another sent to offer. 🙂

    • Never apologize I love your cents!! 🙂 I will I definitely need to be in the word more. I have to study John as well I’m teaching Beginner’s Bible Bowl this year. I think we are on the same wavelength with spouses. I have to emotionally separate from M in a different way. I think about M’s affair and his stupidness and just nightmare myself into oblivion. I attach so much to his dumb choices.

      My life isn’t just that. LIke my gorgeous girl I think your Dad has betrayed us 1/3 of your life.. Nightmare fuel..
      Thinking to myself how much I hate him all day..
      Nightmare fuel
      Talking about moving and responsibilities and think now he’s responsible?
      Nightmare fuel..
      I can make myself CRAY CRAY.. and M is being super awesome well kind of anyway..

      So the Love Dare is working helping me not think of nightmare fuel and do other things..

      🙂 Thanks

      • I get it. I think we all have fuel. It’s whether or not we choose to throw it on the fire though that matters.

  3. I too hate what my husband did and the man he became during the affair. But I don’t hate my husband, I never have and I hope I never will. It’s easier to hate the whores because we never loved them, altho in your case, she was a friend and you probably did love her! So I got nothing there!

    At some point you are going to have to decide whether you can get passed your husband’s infidelity, whether or not you can forgive it, can you accept it? Hopefully you have many years left and life is just too short to be this unhappy.

    I have never once thought of leaving my husband, maybe beating him to a pulp, or running over him with my car but never leaving him. Will I always feel that way? Who knows. But I am determined to give my marriage the 100% it deserves, and if, after all that it still fails, then at least I will know I gave it my all, and that despite his poor choices I tried to make it work, for my sake and for the sake of my kids.

    Here’s to a wonderful birthday for your baby girl 🙂

    • Wow you never once thought about leaving him?? I don’t think I’m giving my 100% to saving this marriage. I think you know after the drunken incident I did but he had already slept with her and made me believe he was working on us..
      So no more 100% you are right I am unhappy with the bastard but I will give it this 40 days

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