I will make banana bread and sprinkle pancakes for my beautiful princess tomorrow. I cannot believe she is 6 already.
Her sparkle, her shine, I would love to say I am jealous of her, but I am not. I am so thankful for her she teaches me so much.
Well we had our church kick off and I look forward to it every year, but this year seemed off. Not as much fun.. not as much peace. I felt so far away from M. I enjoyed talking with friends, but not M. We barely talked at all. We switched kids, gave reports on which kids were where, sat in line for snow-cones forever. I talked with my girlfriend the whole time.
I feel disconnected from M and I wonder if that is okay. I wonder if this is something I’m going to have to become used to. Not because M isn’t trying, or that I hate him. I’m sure that has something to do with the disconnect. Because I do. I’d be lying to myself and others if I said I didn’t
However you are what you think about. If I truly hate M and that is my focus how is that hate going to change me. Also do I really hate M as much as I say I do? I mean true hate throws and destroys all of his stuff on the front lawn, or poisons his food with ex-lax, or puts his toothbrush in the toilet bowl and afterwards puts it neatly back in place.
Isn’t that actual hate? So what is it that I’m doing?
I wonder if it’s like in the Mom book I’m reading called “The Mom I Want To Be” mostly dealing with Mom’s who have been abused or deeply hurt. A man in the book pointed out he wanted to take away his daughters things to show him how little he grew up with.
I think the same way sometimes that my children are so fortunate. Why can’t my son do this or that I had to do those things at that age! But I felt God reveal to me that thinking is just as damaging. Just because it isn’t a huge sin like beating a child, putting them in closets, neglecting them still the mentality can still be and I know is damaging to my children, which in turn damages me as well.
I was blown away. I wonder if it’s the same for how I feel about M. Yes I have pushed him a few times and hit him with my laptop in one incident, but for the most part civil while still harboring hate and resentment in my heart. I know doing those things will cause me additional pain, but I see it as not as bad.
Then I complain about the disconnect. Do you see how crazy warped I am?? Yup.. I claim this train wreck all the way to Love Dare Day 2 tomorrow! 🙂
Anyways I do feel immensely disconnected from M. I enjoy others company way more than M. I would prefer it actually, but is that helping my family stay together, is what I’m doing sealing my own fate in the dissolution of this family, this marriage? Instead of giving it a chance like I think it deserves?
Not that I need to pretend to like him. Nor do nice things for him to say that I tried. A part of me loves him like every other individual here on Earth well most anyway. But that really doesn’t make a marriage does it?
I wonder if my wonderful carpet guy is right. I just need to stay the course and figure everything out and put a wall up to M. Do the right thing and love on him, but keep him at a distance because really I don’t want to be married to him and I cannot force this.
After MR I knew there was hope and I could give this a shot. And day after day that hope dwindled. But I’m not at a brick smashing, live in squalor, stay in bed, eat all the things type of mood anymore.
I feel the blood in my cheeks, I feel the warmth of my smile, I feel me coming back, aging with patience.
The Love Dare Book in day 1 talks about how if your spouse wounds you that patience gives them a longer time to correct their wrong.
I don’t think I want to punish M anymore, not today anyway but I do need to put a wall up, to keep his advances at bay, to be patient because restoration in this marriage will not come at all if I’m not patient. Even if restoration never comes I still need to be patient and loving to this family unit.
This family that we built with God with no help from anyone at such a young age. Thinking we can do this on our own. I did it on my own I was faithful, I was smart and sometimes I take my self-righteousness a bit too far because I have come down hard with my gavel against M.
I still do I think.
Well here’s to a fabulous birthday celebration tomorrow. Here’s to Love Dare Day 2 with also saying loving words to M I must also do something nice for him.
I better figure it out tonight because I can be a real Momzilla on my kid’s birthdays and would hate to be like “Here’s a candy bar I was supposed to do something nice for you”
Good Night everyone 🙂