Love Dare #5

This is the only place I go on my laptop besides, yahoo, and gmail and I barely ever go there so M and I had a great conversation.

Anyways Love Dare #5

Ask your spouse 3 things that irritate them about you.

Hmm.. okay I feel indifferent enough to M to take that on.

So I ask.. he’s got nothing.. but then we go into this great heated discussion about his feelings and how  I view him.

We talk about setting a date to file for divorce

About my self-righteousness

and then I ask what have I done to show hatred to you lately.

He say’s

I don’t believe in him

He’s not good enough for me

I don’t believe he can change

Okay so in a round about way I’m sure those 3 things are things that irritate him about me.

Anyways that date is flexible. I suggested it and I’m okay if we file. I’m okay if we get a divorce.

I know the kids won’t be okay, but in the long run they will eventually have to accept it just like all of us who have crappy things to deal with in life.

I’m a Beginner Bible Study Leader for kids 3-5 and I haven’t done a lick of preparation and to be honest I don’t want to.

I don’t want to help in youth either this week.

Yeah I may be depressed again, or I could just be freeing myself up to just do nothing for awhile and just solely focus on the kids and I.

I’ll talk to Rizzo about it


7 thoughts on “Love Dare #5

  1. This post made me sad. I am glad you all had that conversation, but still sad. The three things all seem to have one thing in common – believe. I get it – believing anything about him is hard as hell now, isn’t it? It’s hard to believe he can change, believe in him as a man, believe he is good enough for you, believe honestly anything about him. I will pray for you today. I will pray that you can find something to believe in him about. I feel if you could find ONE thing you believe about him, and hold onto that tightly… more beliefs might grow.
    Of course, all of this is if you WANT things to change. I completely understand if you don’t. But if you do.. I hope you can find one thing to believe in.

    • IHAAs poor wife believes him though. And she so shouldn’t.

      hownot – M’s probably right but you know what? That’s on him. And fixing it is on him. All on him. And you’re so so early on in this cage of infidelity. Paul has managed to prove those things, took him maybe 2 years but he did it. I believe him and in him. I know he can change, I’ve seen it (and even snooped to prove it), and no, he wasn’t good enough for me during the affair- and that will not change- but he is being now, 3 years later. I have no trouble acknowledging he’s achieved those things that look impossible to you now. But the cost is that it takes so damned long and it doesn’t change the wounds that were made. I think Paul and I will work out ok because we are good together now and we were until the affair. But the scar never goes. And the question as to whether you can live with that scar is something for you. And this is very early days.

      I do not agree that finding one thing to believe about him will grow other beliefs. Rather any belief you grow has to be quarantined because all the other disbeliefs will kill it. Trust doesn’t grow like that. He has to prove it and it has to be voluntarily not policed.

      3 years ago I made Paul leave. I told him I wasn’t filing for divorce but I wouldn’t live with a liar. He begged me not to but I was gently firm. That very night he insisted I keep his laptop, phone, office keys. He phoned me every hour from the hotel landline. He was back at 6:30am. He stayed home from work for 6 weeks and made me carry his phone and laptop when I went out or to work. I never asked for any of those things. I was willing to just end the marriage. But he insisted. He was desperate to prove himself. He gave up the secret email address and it was I who watched the OW go nuts over the fact he’d just gone suddenly silent, he said he didn’t want to know what she wrote unless she threatened us. It was 2 months until I had to tell him she was threatening. He emailed her that she was dumped. More drama he never responded to. When a man wants to prove himself nothing gets in his way. But it’s early. M doesn’t even know that yet. There’s nothing wrong with giving him time, but you may end up deciding it’s worthwhile or that it’s too little too late. And there’s no way to predict.

      • It does suck. And yes he has done a LOT and I still wonder if it’s too little too late sometimes. Like, why couldn’t he have appreciated me this much without my having to go through this? I guess that’s where comparison is in our favour. Whores are whores. Only you know if it’s still worth it to you. You don’t owe him anything but you owe yourself the best of a bad set of choices, whatever that is for you.

  2. Still such early days for you to be making or even thinking about such a life changing decision. Deep down do you really believe you want to divorce your husband or do you maybe think that deep down you mention the possibility of it to him to hurt him? Just an observation.

    I know I said something similar to my husband a few months back, that I wasn’t rushing to divorce him, but that it was still a distinct possibility, when in truth, I really don’t want to divorce the man he is now. The man he was when he was deep in whore?? Quite possibly. He was an asshole. He was nasty, he was sullen, he was a shell of a man. But he’s not like that anymore. Yes he did something absolutely unforgivable, yes he broke my heart, but the truth is, I love him and can’t imagine not growing old with him. I can’t imagine my kids living apart from him, seeing him every other weekend. Do I think he deserves that kind of life? Absolutely!! But I’m willing to bet my future, our future, the future of our family, in the hope that this was a blip in time, a hump in our road, a cross that I will have to bear for the rest of my life, and so will he. THAT’s his punishment! The knowledge that he did this to US to all of US.

    I’ve said it before, this is a crappy fence to be sitting on, but before you make a decision to jump either way, you have to be 100% sure you’re making the right decision. It will be an absolute life altering decision for all of you xx

  3. Don’t force yourself to try to feel anything, one way or the other. Life is both too long and too short to pretend. Give yourself the time to learn what you need in life. Those babies will be happy regardless of your decisions. Staying because a divorce will be hard for them isn’t good for you. Imagine if a man beat his wife and she said she was staying because she didn’t want to upset her children. What would you say to her? Take M and the kids and everyone else out of your equation. Listen to your heart. Find a stillness deep inside and hear it’s whispers. Happy but separate parents are much healthier than bitter ones who stay together. Love yourself lady, enough to do what’s best for you, wether that means staying or leaving. He dealt you a horrible blow. Nothing says you have to stay if your soul is screaming to leave. I read you and it seems as if everyone is trying to make you see the good in staying. I just wanna say that if you can’t, if you really need to leave to be happy, that’s okay too hon. The kiddos will come to understand that and they’ll still love you both, individually.

  4. Seriously all of your heartfelt thoughts and comments get to me everytime. I read them and am so grateful to God for his faithfulness through the kindness of others.
    Thanks you IHAA, Neph, Sissy, and PW.. all of you are wonderful and make a difference in my life and my 4 blessings.

    Thank you doesn’t seem to do justice enough..<3

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