So I have a new friend and I adore her. It’s weird at first I wondered if I was looking for a replacement. That I’m on the re-bound for a friendship lost. But I’m not. I could give two fucks. We decided to start meeting on Mondays. So far since I’ve known her it’s been a blast.
I recently read this on a blog”I believe that people who are happy with who they are really beautiful. If you can genuinely smile, then do so. People will always get drawn to real people.” –Life of XY
Call me confident but I know I am one of those people. I am genuine, authentic, I suppose I got caught up in thinking the leeches who wanted me for their own game were of the same kind as me. I was so wrong.
I still get mad about being wrong about them, about loving such skanks.
Yeah I’m back to calling M names. I usually do after a good night of reflection and telling him I’m not going to divorce him ever. That I want him a part of my life. I have a huge problem I haven’t told any of you
I have horrible buyer’s remorse. The lady who is constantly at the check-out debating if she should buy some item. That is me. I am always putting something back.
I do that with M all the time. So now you know another one of my many flaws so..
Tonight I’m hiding out. I know we are going to have to eventually talk but I’m not sure about what. I also know I’ve been struggling thinking about all of us BS’s. M’s AP’s husband as well particularly him.
I wondered how he was doing and I hoped he was faring better than me. Actually I want to ease some of his pain, but in doing so messed with mine.
I want to tell him I hope he doesn’t feel second rate, that he doesn’t compare to M at all. My husband is a liar, deceiver, manipulative, and treated his wife like a common whore. Did her wherever he could in skanky ways. M is nothing special to have anguish about. I hope he feels superior and wonders why his wife was okay being treated like a hooker.
I definitely know that to be true. But then I am with M.. ugh FML.. if I claim he is nothing special why would I commit myself to him? and subject my kids to this man who believes his own lies, is weak, and treats another woman like a common whore. He doesn’t help his wife, he doesn’t help his mistress, he doesn’t even help himself. Ick.. ick.. ick…
Being with M when I think of him that way just makes me want to run. But M recently said something to me and it’s stuck. You know the moment where you remember their eyes, the feeling of the moment when someone is speaking to you?
If you don’t I have no clue how to explain it 🙂 But it’s creepy because I see M’s face as I’m thinking about how M’s AP’s husband should feel way better about himself and this situation. His sad blue eyes telling me “You think I’m not good enough for you.” And I do. I know makes me a selfish bitch I do think I’m too good for his ass. I never have before, but I do now.
And in thinking so I felt like an asshole. I used to be teased as a kid, I never fit in, my Mom literally hated me since I was small. I always looked out for the underdogs. I never wanted to be the asshole that was too good for anybody, because what kind of people do that? Pretentious assholes that don’t have a heart. What makes you better than somebody else my 19 yr-old self would say?
And now here I am. Hiding from my husband because I think he is such an awful human being. I honestly cannot understand what his AP saw in him, but I guess it doesn’t matter.
M wants so badly to never mention his transgressions again. They seem to pop off so well after I make commitments to him. The treachery, the lies, deceit, I’m not sure what to do. I know I’ve been here before.
I know I need to stand on something firm. I cannot stand firm with M he’s a weak bitch, he is. I must stand firm on something that has nothing to do with him, or our marriage. Maybe I will just stand firm that I am one bad ass chick and will keep her family together, not because I am passionately madly in love with M, but that we make some rocking, amazing, bad ass kids as well.
They look out for others. Hold the door open for strangers, and have a heart for God.
I want to stop being so mopey about how stupid I feel loving M. Because he’s right I don’t think he’s good enough for me. But honestly if I did leave him and left him alone good grief what kind of skank would he find? Some codependent loser who thinks she could change the lying SOB who lost his family to stupidness. Or a skank worse than his AP or at the same level.
Yes, yes, I am all about judgements tonight. Good thing I’m keeping my mouth shut.
M’s sinuses are acting up. He used to act like such a whiny bitch and I would try to help him, but then I’d stop. A person can only take so much whining from a person who really isn’t helping themselves. He constantly complained about how I treated him while he had allergies while he was having an affair.
OMGoodness seriously?? Please help me out cheaters how does a cheater justify wanting more sympathy from his wife when he’s got a whore he’s texting and having sex with on the side.
Well anyways as you can tell tonight is not one of my best nights of reconciliation.
I think he went to bed early. Thank the Lord.. I’m pretty sure nothing good would have come out of tonight.
Side Note: I’m wanting to learn how to make mobile apps. Hopefully I’m good at it and will make millions. 🙂