Hiding, a New Friend, and Buyer’s Remorse

So I have a new friend and I adore her. It’s weird at first I wondered if I was looking for a replacement. That I’m on the re-bound for a friendship lost. But I’m not. I could give two fucks. We decided to start meeting on Mondays. So far since I’ve known her it’s been a blast.

I recently read this on a blog”I believe that people who are happy with who they are really beautiful. If you can genuinely smile, then do so. People will always get drawn to real people.” –Life of XY

Call me confident but I know I am one of those people. I am genuine, authentic, I suppose I got caught up in thinking the leeches who wanted me for their own game were of the same kind as me. I was so wrong.

I still get mad about being wrong about them, about loving such skanks.

Yeah I’m back to calling M names. I usually do after a good night of reflection and telling him I’m not going to divorce him ever. That I want him a part of my life. I have a huge problem I haven’t told any of you

I have horrible buyer’s remorse. The lady who is constantly at the check-out debating if she should buy some item. That is me. I am always putting something back.

I do that with M all the time. So now you know another one of my many flaws so..

Tonight I’m hiding out. I know we are going to have to eventually talk but I’m not sure about what. I also know I’ve been struggling thinking about all of us BS’s. M’s AP’s husband as well particularly him.

I wondered how he was doing and I hoped he was faring better than me. Actually I want to ease some of his pain, but in doing so messed with mine.

I want to tell him I hope he doesn’t feel second rate, that he doesn’t compare to M at all. My husband is a liar, deceiver, manipulative, and treated his wife like a common whore. Did her wherever he could in skanky ways. M is nothing special to have anguish about. I hope he feels superior and wonders why his wife was okay being treated like a hooker.

I definitely know that to be true. But then I am with M.. ugh FML.. if I claim he is nothing special why would I commit myself to him? and subject my kids to this man who believes his own lies, is weak, and treats another woman like a common whore. He doesn’t help his wife, he doesn’t help his mistress, he doesn’t even help himself. Ick.. ick.. ick…

Being with M when I think of him that way just makes me want to run. But M recently said something to me and it’s stuck. You know the moment where you remember their eyes, the feeling of the moment when someone is speaking to you?

If you don’t I have no clue how to explain it 🙂 But it’s creepy because I see M’s face as I’m thinking about how M’s AP’s husband should feel way better about himself and this situation. His sad blue eyes telling me “You think I’m not good enough for you.” And I do. I know makes me a selfish bitch I do think I’m too good for his ass. I never have before, but I do now.

And in thinking so I felt like an asshole. I used to be teased as a kid, I never fit in, my Mom literally hated me since I was small. I always looked out for the underdogs. I never wanted to be the asshole that was too good for anybody, because what kind of people do that? Pretentious assholes that don’t have a heart. What makes you better than somebody else my 19 yr-old self would say?

And now here I am. Hiding from my husband because I think he is such an awful human being. I honestly cannot understand what his AP saw in him, but I guess it doesn’t matter.

M wants so badly to never mention his transgressions again. They seem to pop off so well after I make commitments to him. The treachery, the lies, deceit, I’m not sure what to do. I know I’ve been here before.

I know I need to stand on something firm. I cannot stand firm with M he’s a weak bitch, he is. I must stand firm on something that has nothing to do with him, or our marriage. Maybe I will just stand firm that I am one bad ass chick and will keep her family together, not because I am passionately madly in love with M, but that we make some rocking, amazing, bad ass kids as well.

They look out for others. Hold the door open for strangers, and have a heart for God.

I want to stop being so mopey about how stupid I feel loving M. Because he’s right I don’t think he’s good enough for me. But honestly if I did leave him and left him alone good grief what kind of skank would he find? Some codependent loser who thinks she could change the lying SOB who lost his family to stupidness. Or a skank worse than his AP or at the same level.

Yes, yes, I am all about judgements tonight. Good thing I’m keeping my mouth shut.

M’s sinuses are acting up. He used to act like such a whiny bitch and I would try to help him, but then I’d stop. A person can only take so much whining from a person who really isn’t helping themselves. He constantly complained about how I treated him while he had allergies while he was having an affair.

OMGoodness seriously?? Please help me out cheaters how does a cheater justify wanting more sympathy from his wife when he’s got a whore he’s texting and having sex with on the side.

Well anyways as you can tell tonight is not one of my best nights of reconciliation.

I think he went to bed early. Thank the Lord.. I’m pretty sure nothing good would have come out of tonight.

Side Note: I’m wanting to learn how to make mobile apps. Hopefully I’m good at it and will make millions. 🙂

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18 thoughts on “Hiding, a New Friend, and Buyer’s Remorse

  1. I will be honest, since you wanted a cheater’s opinion/thought (although I’m sure Nephi will just tear into me) – I wanted passion and compassion for years from my wife. When I found Her, I no longer needed it. Did that mean I was getting all that I had asked for years from my wife? No, not really… But She immediately let me know I was worthy and deserving of love.
    So, I had asked for compassion from my wife for years because I wanted it, but never knew I “deserved” it. After Her, I know I am worthy and ABLE to be loved and receive compassion.
    I am not like M in that I asked for compassion from my wife while having the affair – I think I knowingly did this as I would have felt too hypocritical if that makes any ironic stupid sense. I did, after the affair though, know that compassion is deserved in a loving relationship… but empathy is a requirement. If not empathy, no compassion, no mercy. My wife has none of those… and that’s okay. I am trying to decide if it is enough to KNOW I deserve something, but will never get it.

  2. Wow IHAA the Pandora’s box everytime we meet in blogosphere land. That is sad. I mean I feel weird that I feel for you. Your wife sounds mean, and I would love for her to blog to know her side. But that is sad.

    I just don’t understand why a cheater would work on their marriage sleeping with someone else? Why? Why ask for my sympathy and help with your stupid sinuses that he doesn’t care enough about himself to help fix, track days, do things to help when he’s got some sick chick who thinks he’s perfect.

    I swear sometimes I think his AP was on something. I mean clearly to hear me complain about him and then hear him complain about me. It’s pretty obvious she was either on something to block all of those things out or a complete psycho.

    It’s hard admitting you were in a relationship for 9 years with someone and wonder if they were a psycho. I would prefer to think she was on something and it clearly isn’t a cheaters high because M is nothing to pine over good grief. I mean he’s good looking, but super inept with people’s feelings.

    Anyways thanks for commenting IHAA.. you are in my thoughts and when I’m smart enough to pray instead of furrow my brow in fury I pray for you and your family.. Love Dare 7 wow I cannot believe I’ve been doing the love dare for a week already..

    Still not working.. but I’ve got 33 days to go. LD #7 is a doozy.. waiting until 12 to do it.

  3. Ahh.. Day seven… the lists! You don’t need to feel for me. I appreciate it, but know that I am lumped with all cheaters. I am okay. I am on my own journey that often is uphill, in circles, or experiencing an avalanche. I remember when I first thought I might have an affair and ran to my wife to ask her for compassion….. Do you want to hear about it?

  4. So, my AP and I admitted that we had feelings growing. However, we both agreed that we had too much going for us, were blessed to have the families we have and that we could remain friends, but need to never, ever speak of feelings again. Two nights later, my wife and daughter got into a fight. My daughter yelled, “I wish I could just leave this house and Dad and I could go live where we are treated nice!”
    I was in the bath during this. I was lying there, naked, vulnerable wondering why my daughter noticed those things, feeling unworthy of anything more than I have and my wife came in, towering over me yelling at ME for what my daughter said to HER! I told her we would talk in a few minutes and I needed some privacy. She refused to give me any and stood there while I got out, dried off and got dressed.
    We retired to our bedroom and she asked why I looked sad. I hadn’t cried in front of my wife in 6.5 years. I broke down – I told her how I felt invisible, unloved, worthless. I told her how I felt she only wanted me around not because she loved me but because she needed me to fill her roles and do her tasks. I begged her to love me, see me, show me compassion. Honest to God, HOW 2, within minutes, she was crying saying how awful I was to make her sound mean and none of my feelings were true. I then did what I always do/did and apologized, and sat there for 30 minutes comforting her.
    In a way, I knew right then that I would probably end up in an affair with my AP. This wasn’t to get back at my wife, to “show her”, or anything like that. The way She so easily saw me for who I was… and it soon became she could love me for who I was and show me compassion regardless of the circumstance and without expectation
    Yes, YES we weren’t married and having to deal with the day in, day out crap. But, she gave me something instantly without me having to even ask for it… something I begged my wife for. I am in no way justifying what I did. I am not blaming my wife. I am just explaining my heart and the decisions it made.
    WOW – sorry so verbose… guess that should have been a blog post, huh? 😉

    • Nah.. that’s crazy.. wow I wish I was as mean as your wife or my children were hurting because of me then M would have reason and I’d be like ahh.. okay.. game even. Not saying your wife would feel this way or even that is what you were doing. It’s just how I feel about the situation.

      But he doesn’t haven anything like that. My husband was selfish and wanted to have sex with her she led him to believe he could and that sucks so back. How is it I had two whores so close to me? Turns out I’m nothing new to the two whore story, the lying, the deceit though.

      It’s so sad that people think it’s okay for them to do this to others. I guess it’s just my own self-righteousness I wouldn’t be with an asshole I would leave children or not if I wanted to have an affair.
      If my marriage was so awful I would leave tell M I wanted to fuck so and so and leave.

      Nobody is warranted the extra pain of an affair even you. Now you find out how you could be loved and adored and are paying for it hands down. You and your AP pay for it emotionally and physically. And when the spouse knows they suffer too.

      In the beginning I used to think I had answers and I’m sorry for warranting you to tell your wife.

      As much honesty as I adore and with all that I am, I would have rather not known.
      Today I hate him.. yup.. super do..

      • I get it. My AP’s husband knows and now she is going through hell two-fold. I am not saying my story is true love or better than all others. However, from what you say, it sounds like M’s story was about sex. Mine was not. We were not physical for months and not sexual until even after that. We were drawn to each other for some time emotionally.

        I do wish you super amounts of luck. I feel bad and am sorry for your pain – not pain I caused, but just that you are dealing with that. I will pray for you today. I’m not sure my prayers get answered, but I will do what I can. I wish you luck and will continue to follow your journey and be your cheating cheerleader. 🙂

      • Oh Dear IHAA I do think your prayers get answered! I truly believe in intercession and I’m so thankful for it. Because without it I can only imagine where I would be.

        Thank you so much for your prayers and how inspiring you are to pray in your dark times and for others. It’s something I struggle with

  5. brutal honesty… I love it, and buyers remorse is a great metaphor to describe the feeling. I had never thought about whether I thought I was too good for my husband now–after his affair, but I do know it is getting easier for me to say that he didn’t deserve me as a wife.

      • Oh, I haven’t read it yet. The counselor suggested it along with suggesting I should get a separation. 🙂

      • Well… Yes, kind of. It was just me in there today. Counselor agrees that my wife needs to put in some effort, etc. The COUNSELOR suggested it stating, I am already separated from my wife, and that maybe I need to physically not be there so she can truly see what impact I play and if she would miss/love me. Financially, I sure can’t do it, but it might take some time. It is not the road to divorce, but just time away for us to not be so enmeshed.

      • Nah. I have a friend, but he has kids and such. Here’s the real shit of it all – we have our annual family vacation coming up in 5 weeks.. already completely paid for. I think I can hold it together and keep everyone happy until then…. So, I have 5 weeks to figure out my out, huh?

      • Isn’t it crazy this separation or making these kinds of decisions. Always seems to be never the right time. But the good thing is God’s timing is amazing and a well thought out plan is better than just saying “Peace Out!” 🙂

      • Yep. I plan on making the move (with counselor’s guidance) when we are back. I will not notify my wife now because it’s not like I’m giving her an ultimatum and if it seemed like that and she DID change, it was only because of me possibly leaving – not for herself and not for me.

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