Okay so I’m not saying crazy has left the building but I do know my want for physical retribution is pretty much gone. Sometimes if I think about her sure I want to smack down a ho. But honestly? It wouldn’t happen.
Another honestly? I don’t ever need to think about her. Point blank. So I’m working on that.
Therapy yesterday is strange because now that I’m realizing my processes in all of this. I knew them, I just didn’t know how to handle them.
3. Oh fuck what now?
Come Back to Me Erin’s Post was pretty awesome about his wife seeing his AP while he was out of town. I find them amazing and I wonder will M and I ever get to that point? Will I ever not want him to have left with her? Will I ever feel we are fighting this battle together instead of separately and hoping we come together someday?
I still wish he had left with her, or left me.
I don’t feel blessed he stayed. I feel blessed for my kid’s that they have a Dad, but other than that. I don’t feel blessed I get to wake up to him anymore. That I get to see him when he walks through that door one more time.
He feels that way and I feel sad. Sad that he is on the opposite side of the fence where I once was. I didn’t know about his feelings, but he knows about mine and I think M thinks he has it harder because he knows how I feel. I didn’t know, I was in the dark about his stupidness, his ungratefulness, his unappreciation for me so therefore I had it better.
A woman in town lost her husband suddenly. A nice guy they fostered children and I feel a bit sad that my heart is so hardened. Before all of this I would have cried hard tears for her. My heart would have broke for her, because I used to live in a life where losing my husband would have crushed me. He meant that much to me. Nope not anymore. It’s weird how my perspective has changed.
I finished reading the Confidence Code for Women and I absolutely loved it. I mean the beginning was a bit slow, but it was good to just see some of my flaws and see some science behind our brain. I recommend it.
I remember starting this book thinking where had my confidence gone? I was so tied up in us that I don’t remember much about myself. I also thought while I was in therapy what a whine bag I have become. I mean I want to be strong, but I sure am not acting like it.
Because aside for the family I’m fighting for myself what do I want? I cry, I am sad, and I am angry. I have been all these things for 5 months. You know when your raising 4 little ones 5 months, might as well be 5 centuries. I question so much right now.
Where am I going with all of these emotions?
What am I learning? What have I learned?
I mean positive learning experiences, how is this going to make me a better person not just in terms of the obvious.
Why do I want M? Because I love him yes, but is there more, because love is not enough in my book. It never has been, but maybe I’m wrong.
I have never wanted to be so right in my life. I want him to have left me. I want him out of my life. None of this makes any sense and I want to cut M out. But it’s a bit of a pity party because I can feel I maybe wrong. I have been wrong and the work that got me here. M’s stupidness and me muddling through this mess. I’m starting to see the work. The enormous amount of work I am in for to actually heal from this.
To fight the thought of M’s AP with the ferocity of a phoenix
To fight the thought of M as a person of hurt, one who harms, one who lies, deceives, and doesn’t care about others
To fight myself that I’m not a fool for loving my husband still
To fight the thoughts of my history with M’s AP and M as a worthless waste of time.
To fight myself and keep certain things in the past and move forward.
I still am unsure about how to deal with the 2+ year part, I suppose we will get to that next session.
But you see the fights that need to happen? And really I just want to cower. It’s easier to call myself a fool and remember despair. I tend to always run on the negative anyway. So there’s where whiny NH comes in and I’m going to study her for awhile and not just dismiss her. She is hear for a reason and I want to know why.
I would like to say I’ve never shy’d away from hard work, but that is a lie. I do that alot with my kids. I yell, I lose my cool, I get discouraged because I’m unsure what to do. Sometimes I even hide from my responsibilities because it’s too hard.
I was visiting with a neighbor and we were talking about our children. My boy used to be such a nightmare seriously. Seeing him grow up and mature with the love of Christ is amazing and in training and loving him was hard work.
And I thought about this infidelity thing and I know you guys just might want to smack me. Because as I was watching our boy play laser tag in the front yard running up and down the street I was grateful for this infidelity.
Because I thought about bluedog’s post and thinking about blessings. Because out of all the hurts that can fall upon me. Right now I have my boy all of my children. And somewhere out there someone is holding their child and watching them take their last breath.
I would prefer this, this heartbreak than losing a child. Please don’t get me wrong I’m not comparing at all. What I am doing is trying to be grateful. Grateful for this pain, thankful for the lessons that will always be continuing forever due to M’s infidelity stepping into our lives.
Sometimes I forget that infidelity is like any sin life-changing. It’s like stealing and having to bring back the stolen item to the store. Bad choices forever change a person and while I want to just think this infidelity can be over with it will never be. I don’t know what’s going to happen to us months from now, or how our children will respond in their late years to what is happening in their life now.
Well that’s enough of me rambling for now.
Here’s to the day everyone.