Praying Lord above.. I need a miracle

My therapist would say nightmare fuel. M would call it going back there. I’m sure a few blogging pals knew I wasn’t going to be in a great place last night and I wasn’t.

I just walked out of this house and got in our car and drove. Because if I stayed any longer I would have fucking woke up our whole house while throwing M’s stuff on the lawn. Screaming get the fuck away from me, our kids, anyone who has ever loved you!!!

No surprise to my faithful readers I’m sure. I can get pretty CRAZY and M did nothing. Okay he did do something what the last time he talked with her was end of March so about 5 months and what seems like years of lies before that. But I was just done with the bullshit.

M says my perception of him. My friends say my perception of him. I ended up talking to friends until 1am (mind you I have Sunday school to teach) and then talk with an MR friend until 4am. I just didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want to be here.

I felt stuck, trapped, alone and all I wanted to do is destroy. Destroy this family, destroy this marriage.. So when I came back I was calmer..

Sunday came and went.

Church is always long but wonderful. I love hanging out with my church family. They infuse me with truth. To choose joy, to choose God rather than depress myself, and fucking want to deck M.

But ahh.. how I find this infidelity thing to be. The love that I think is not good enough for me. The kind of disgusting love where you love your wife, mistress, and hide from all that is good. M’s love is fickle, no loyalty, no trust.

Drops his mistress, drops his wife, his family..

But it’s always somewhere in the middle. I’m not like that, so I have no fucking idea how it works, but the idea sounds familiar now. Because I think I do it too. In my life now I believe I hate M with a passion and I love him too. Most days I’m in the middle.

I threw a lawn chair at him last night. Yeah things were going okay with me until I read about the vortex and the highs of an affair and Nothate when fucking psycho!

M blames the blogs. I don’t I feel the blogs give me more information. I suppose more information to be pissed off at M, but I’m usually 1/2 way there anyway. Because it’s bullshit. I think his affair is bullshit, I think our whole 13 years of marriage has been bullshit, and while I thought I was sharing my life with him, he chose to resent me. He chose to share life with her.

Fuck him.

Fuck his highs he used to get

Fuck his bullshit tears

His bullshit saying of “I’m changing and I’m sorry”

I am so glad he is at work today.

I’m thinking about leaving a letter on the door to pack a bag and leave, or maybe I should.

It’s hard living where someone used to be the best thing in the world to me and now is the worst thing in the world to me.

Kind of like Corn Pops. I used to love Corn Pops as a kid, I bought them one time as an adult and threw them in the trash.

And while God may not define M. I do, I see him as a snake in the grass, a liar, a cheat and someone who destroyed so much now wants it back. I see him as pathetic and sad not as a man, but as my husband. He chose that path not me.

So no don’t think I’m being indignant or better than thou. Funny, how M cares about his identity as a husband now. Makes me laugh. I mean if you never pursued your marriage. Many times over the years I knew something was wrong, our relationship was off and he assured me everything was fine. He was hiding. He chose not to.

I invited him to bible studies, tried to initiate conversations, date nights, I read books not to change him, but me. I accepted he was a quiet guy, that he loved me. But all he did was resent me.

I was suppose to fix us. He didn’t say that, but that’s what happened. Then he said he couldn’t compete with his AP. Yeah he fucking said that because he said he told me he wanted to be my friend (before affair) last night. So Nothate already on fire says are you serious?

So what if you told me that? What did you do about it? You couldn’t compete with my best pal so you fuck her really? Because yeah I was raising her kids, cleaning her house, sleeping with her.

Oh dear readers I’m sure you’ve met one of those people who just complain with no solutions. Yeah apparently I married one and then he chose to do this, because this affair was a solution to his sad life. The one with not really many problems, nothing over the top. You know just felt unloved and carried resentment. I will take partial blame for the unloved part. But he’s on his own for the rest.

I’m so over him.

I’m so done.. if this marriage is going to be saved.. If it’s true my children need both parents married.. If this is really God’s will then some sort of miracle is needed..

 

 

 

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10 thoughts on “Praying Lord above.. I need a miracle

  1. Sounds like your husband needs to be an authentic man…no excuses. Sounds a lot like my situation except it wasn’t a friend of mine 😦 You are brave…Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid for the Lord your God goes with you where ever you go…my heart goes out to you I know the feelings you are having…gut wrenching. Have you tried any medication at all? Maybe take a break from sunday school teaching and really have women surround you and minister to you. we don’t walk on a broken leg…we wrap it and the rest of the body makes up for what the leg can not do in order for it to heal. My heart just goes out to you. ❤ I'm so sorry for the pain, betrayal, the utter agony that can not be described with words.

    • I love how you used the word authentic because it means to much and yet I married a man with what seems has zero authenticity.. When it’s so mind blowing to me because I thought he was so authentic. Thank you for your words and empathy ❤ 🙂

  2. You tried your best to save your marriage but it appears it just couldn’t be saved. It’s not your fault; M didn’t even do his part. Looks like it’s time to call it a day and move on. There’s no shame in that. You need to do what feels right for you and your children.

  3. I so feel for you! Your so angry and I know how that feels. You need to release that anger before you make any decisions. My therapist says “you need to go threw in order to grow threw” M might be a little right with the blogs. When I read The Vortex I got angry and just wanted to punch my husband but I kissed him instead. Mind you it was a hard kiss. Kind of like a punch with my lips;)
    I’ve read some place that it takes at least two years to start feeling better about an affair. The first year is hard because you are have to go through all the special days and your thinking about what was happening that time last year. I know it’s hard to see the light when your in the dark but you will see it. And when you do you will feel like everything was just a bad dream and this is your real life.

    • Truthterrified the Vortex just made me laugh. Yeah it is exactly true, in the sense that that’s how cheaters get themselves into it. But – and it’s a huge but- whoop-di-do! Do they want a medal? They had a choice at each point and they chose to stick a knife into good, loyal people. They need to get out of their pity party and face the consequences. Paul’s attitude to all that is that it just sounds like a justification. His equivalent of The Vortex post is to say “I was a selfish, narcissistic git who thought I could have my bit of fun and control it, have my flattery addiction and still be a good guy because I’d always been a good guy. Now I realise that I was only the good guy because no one ever tried to get me not to be. I’ll never be that good guy again and that’s my own fault so no pity party.” He wrote almost exactly that to me.

      Whether it’s my husband or not, I have a lot more time for those ex cheaters than the ones who go “boo hoo it was a vortex and I couldn’t help it, oh I’m in so much pain look at me!”

      M needs to man up.

  4. See, this is why I worry sometimes about what I write… I’m serious. Your husband is probably right – the blogs are probably hurting at least as much as they are helping.

    I promise I’m not trying to go all “There are starving children in China” on you. But I do want to gently remind you that even though your husband fucked up BIG time and hadn’t been a good husband for years, he is admitting it and fighting VERY hard to save your marriage. There are a lot of women who wish their husbands would repent and do the hard work the way your husband has. You freely admit you get a little crazy at times, and yet your husband has stood by you. I can’t say that’s love for sure, but I think that’s reason for hope.

    I hope my writings are helpful to people in the long run. I hope they show the balance of how badly I screwed up over a long period of time, even before the affair; how messed up my thinking was during the affair; how I’ve struggled after the affair; and how dedicated I am to making my marriage work. But right now, your wounds are so raw, that it may be too soon to soothe them with the medicine I’m offering on my blog.

    I know it hurts. It comes through loud and clear in your writings. I can see the struggle in you. I can’t say I know how you feel, but I’ve seen it in my own wife. What has happened to you is awful, and I’m so sorry for you.

    I want you to know that I do pray for you and your husband. I see the pain you’re both going through. I pray for healing and strength and joy for your both.

    • Thank you for your prayers, and really thank you for your blog. Sure sometimes it does send me on edge, but it really I was already on edge and it just fueled it I promise if I hadnt had read your blog something else would have replaced the fuel.

      M forgets that. But things seem to be turning around. I think I hope and thanks for giving M credit. I’m pretty sure I don’t give him enough, especially in my emotional turmoil my blinders can be on and pretty dark.

  5. Love your list of fuck him and his bullshit tears. Exactly. Paul went through a short phase of that. It wasn’t until he really saw in my eyes that I was utterly disgusted and ready to leave (and he doesn’t even know I saw a lawyer) that he suddenly started doing instead of talking. As of a year or so ago you could have put The Vortex kind of explanation in front of him and he would have snorted. Like it matters how you knifed the person you were closest to? Like it matters why you thought you were better than her partner and knifed him too? The self indulgence is breathtaking. I’ve known Paul 20 years almost and for 19 of those self indulgence was the worst thing he could be accused of. He hated it. Then he went and indulged in it. Now he’s ashamed forever of that. M needs a lesson in that. Bullshit tears, exactly.

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