My therapist would say nightmare fuel. M would call it going back there. I’m sure a few blogging pals knew I wasn’t going to be in a great place last night and I wasn’t.
I just walked out of this house and got in our car and drove. Because if I stayed any longer I would have fucking woke up our whole house while throwing M’s stuff on the lawn. Screaming get the fuck away from me, our kids, anyone who has ever loved you!!!
No surprise to my faithful readers I’m sure. I can get pretty CRAZY and M did nothing. Okay he did do something what the last time he talked with her was end of March so about 5 months and what seems like years of lies before that. But I was just done with the bullshit.
M says my perception of him. My friends say my perception of him. I ended up talking to friends until 1am (mind you I have Sunday school to teach) and then talk with an MR friend until 4am. I just didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want to be here.
I felt stuck, trapped, alone and all I wanted to do is destroy. Destroy this family, destroy this marriage.. So when I came back I was calmer..
Sunday came and went.
Church is always long but wonderful. I love hanging out with my church family. They infuse me with truth. To choose joy, to choose God rather than depress myself, and fucking want to deck M.
But ahh.. how I find this infidelity thing to be. The love that I think is not good enough for me. The kind of disgusting love where you love your wife, mistress, and hide from all that is good. M’s love is fickle, no loyalty, no trust.
Drops his mistress, drops his wife, his family..
But it’s always somewhere in the middle. I’m not like that, so I have no fucking idea how it works, but the idea sounds familiar now. Because I think I do it too. In my life now I believe I hate M with a passion and I love him too. Most days I’m in the middle.
I threw a lawn chair at him last night. Yeah things were going okay with me until I read about the vortex and the highs of an affair and Nothate when fucking psycho!
M blames the blogs. I don’t I feel the blogs give me more information. I suppose more information to be pissed off at M, but I’m usually 1/2 way there anyway. Because it’s bullshit. I think his affair is bullshit, I think our whole 13 years of marriage has been bullshit, and while I thought I was sharing my life with him, he chose to resent me. He chose to share life with her.
Fuck his highs he used to get
Fuck his bullshit tears
His bullshit saying of “I’m changing and I’m sorry”
I am so glad he is at work today.
I’m thinking about leaving a letter on the door to pack a bag and leave, or maybe I should.
It’s hard living where someone used to be the best thing in the world to me and now is the worst thing in the world to me.
Kind of like Corn Pops. I used to love Corn Pops as a kid, I bought them one time as an adult and threw them in the trash.
And while God may not define M. I do, I see him as a snake in the grass, a liar, a cheat and someone who destroyed so much now wants it back. I see him as pathetic and sad not as a man, but as my husband. He chose that path not me.
So no don’t think I’m being indignant or better than thou. Funny, how M cares about his identity as a husband now. Makes me laugh. I mean if you never pursued your marriage. Many times over the years I knew something was wrong, our relationship was off and he assured me everything was fine. He was hiding. He chose not to.
I invited him to bible studies, tried to initiate conversations, date nights, I read books not to change him, but me. I accepted he was a quiet guy, that he loved me. But all he did was resent me.
I was suppose to fix us. He didn’t say that, but that’s what happened. Then he said he couldn’t compete with his AP. Yeah he fucking said that because he said he told me he wanted to be my friend (before affair) last night. So Nothate already on fire says are you serious?
So what if you told me that? What did you do about it? You couldn’t compete with my best pal so you fuck her really? Because yeah I was raising her kids, cleaning her house, sleeping with her.
Oh dear readers I’m sure you’ve met one of those people who just complain with no solutions. Yeah apparently I married one and then he chose to do this, because this affair was a solution to his sad life. The one with not really many problems, nothing over the top. You know just felt unloved and carried resentment. I will take partial blame for the unloved part. But he’s on his own for the rest.
I’m so over him.
I’m so done.. if this marriage is going to be saved.. If it’s true my children need both parents married.. If this is really God’s will then some sort of miracle is needed..