Hate mail..

So M sent me an email this morning:

Hope you got rested. I’m on my way to somewhere today. Be back later this afternoon.
Hope you feel better today. I love you. Do you know what your plans are for this weekend? Are you still going to Rizzos?
I love you and want to be here for you. My mom texted me last night and we talked for a little while.

Emily got up at 6 and I turned the tv on for her.

Love you
Your husband

So here is what I want to send him back.. but in honor of my experiments. I’m going to post it here and hope maybe my blogger friends can help me edit it to where it’s a bit more respectful.. maybe not but here’s my response.

Thank you for taking care of the kids.
My head still hurts a bit.
I didn’t want to email you, but I want to obey God and try to respect you.
 
I am at such a point of disappointment in you, our marriage, myself that I wonder if I should stop all communication with you.
It’s all the same.
 
I suppose the main thing is I don’t buy that God can restore our marriage.
Why?
Because I see you as the worst man I have ever met in MY life. I’m sure there are worse men out there worse husbands, but I fell for you, loved you, believed in you.
 
I am confused why God would allow me to be with you. Not that I’m perfect and I sure don’t expect perfection.
I am confused why God wants this marriage to work.
I don’t know how to be loving and respectful or even believe in you anymore or ever again.
I hate that I believed you the first time. I get it your sorry..
Well sorry doesn’t cut it.. Doesn’t cut it I was in a friendship I knew something was off but I thought well my husband touched her and made everything weird with hers and her husband, yeah the friendship is supposed to be off.
But no it’s because you were already fucking her my husband was her boyfriend
And I was in a stupid marriage I knew things were off but I believed your lie.
I was riding your stupid cock in March in KC and I could see your eyes empty cold and I was like what is wrong here?
And it was all because I believed you, and I thought I had a friend..
Whatever. you kept me blind.. I hate you for that assume I always will..
I hope you don’t come home today, I hope you don’t show up at youth
pack your bags I want nothing with this marriage anymore..
All I do is come to the conclusion I hate you and I always will..
That is what I want to say to you.. but alas it is drivel right?
Because our God our family wants us together?
But how?? How is this ever going to work?
Sure I get it, but NH I’m not that guy anymore.. I’m changing..
Well I loved that guy and he dropped me after 10 years like I had done nothing for him..
So who the fuck are you?

My husband? Oh yeah means so much to me.. yeah..
I don’t know you.. in fact I hate you more now than I did 6 months ago.. fuck you
Oh how I want to push SEND so badly!!
But here it is for what it’s worth
Time to go do something anything with my babies..
I did send this back to M
Good luck with your day.
Thanks for letting me know and taking care of the kids.
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2 thoughts on “Hate mail..

  1. Around 6 months. That’s when they say the real anger sets in. I was in shock and denial for 6 months, so my rage hit at about the year mark. I wrote it down. Three scathing pages of reasons I hated my husband. Every single sentence started with the words ‘I hate’. I told him it was coming and then sent it to him. He responded with a specific apology to address every single hate I had. For me, that is when I started to soften toward him. That’s when I knew that he was really starting to understand the magnitude of the pain he had caused me. That’s when I knew that he wasn’t just using the words ‘I’m sorry’ as a generic band-aid. Hopefully you will find something g that allows you to release the hate and anger and move forward in whatever direction fits best for you.

  2. The anger is ok. I truly believe that God allows our choices. My hubby cheated on me in college, I married him. God allowed me to make my choice. 5 years ago I found the “evidence” of the phone calls, texts, on the time of the phone bill. I allowed myself to be convinced he was toeing the line but not crossing it. 2 years ago I found an IM conversation at 3:30 in the am b/w himself and an ex-girlfriend where I was held up to her, and fell short in every area. I sought counseling b/c I hated him. I stayed. God allowed that. Now we deal with knowledge that it was an affair 5 years ago. That it was with my friend who was my friend for four years. I am still here. God is allowing that. God restores b/c he can’t help himself. He is a restorer. HOWEVER – Biblically we have just grounds for divorce. God will allow that. And he will love us through any choice we make.

    The anger is ok. I still deal w/ anger and we’re at 14 months. God will allow the anger and love you through that too – no matter your ultimate choice.

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