I dream, I wake up, I would rather be dreaming…

I had a long dream. It was crazy M took me to a park but to get to the park you had to go through someone’s bedroom. It was crazy. There was a guy who lived there, that I guess M had gone to music school with and it’s funny I wondered if he brought his AP there.

The park was fun, M and I were having fun. There were no kids around. I just didn’t feel the hate.

The good Lord wakes me up before M’s alarm goes off. Usually I don’t get up with M when I super hate him. Anyways I watch M fumble out of bed, get his clothes, and head for the shower.

As I watch him I feel like he’s in a zoo. I’m just observing him, no thoughts feelings or actions.

He goes out of my vision to take a shower and I roll over to go back to bed.

I hear him in the bathroom and My Creator says you can show him love, you can get up and visit with him before he goes.

And I’m like No Way for what? So I can tell him I hate him. That my feelings for him are so dead it isn’t even funny..

Then I hear the shower curtain fall on M.

He told me he had broke it weeks ago. It’s never fallen on me.

Then God says the shower curtain just fell on the man you can help his morning out a bit.

And I rolled out of bed and said fine..

So I make coffee and an egg sandwhich tell M about some of the bloggers I’ve been talking with. He doesn’t seem to care or engage, then he leaves.

I feel regret and I’m like I don’t care

So I walked out of the house caught him at the car. Asked if I could hug him and we hugged. But not as husband and wife, it felt odd..

I regret that hug…

I go back in the house and think I’d rather be dreaming..

But alas a Bible study to catch up on and dishes and laundry to do..

A blogger pal has been trying to get me to do something for myself.. I can’t think of anything that would fulfill me and not just give me a boost to only remember how crappy my marriage is right now.

But I’m thinking..

 

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