Stupid Girl..

It’s difficult because as I type this I’m cleaning up my space. The little corner in the laundry where I’ve typed papers. And as I was busting my ass trying to go to school, trying to figure out what I could do to ease M’s burden of being sole provider. I remember typing my first 10 page paper and complaining I couldn’t get it done to M’s AP. She came over took my baby girls at the time and I finished it.

I wonder if she felt sorry for me that her boyfriend my absentee husband didn’t really care.

So I move on and then I find a tiny silver case of letters. When he was in Iraq for all of 16 months I tried to send him letters alot and there were like 1/2 of them in this container. I look at them and I just go put the dumb box in his room. The room I hate. The room I wish I could burn down. The room where I put all of his pictures any picture with him in it.. I put in there. So if he were to die or leave I wouldn’t have to deal with erasing him out of my photo albums. and just keep a few for the kids. The room he used for hours while I let him do his homework to talk with his AP behind my back.. Fuck him..

And I think stupid girl..

I worry that by me saying that all of you BS’s, you beautiful souls that have this terrible mark on your hearts as well will think I’m calling you stupid, but I swear right now I feel that way.

Stupid girl all your love on this fool..

I look at my high school pictures and think oh you sweet girl you will fall for this horrid man and cry..

You will have four precious babies with him and want to die..

Oh you sweet Stupid girl..

 

 

 

Advertisements

28 thoughts on “Stupid Girl..

  1. I know what you mean, and seriously if I could go back I would trade it all and not marry him. Perhaps because at the time I had another option (OMG 2 men fighting over me, I still can’t believe that!) and as time goes on I see them as not as different as I thought then. I would have had lovely children either way.

    But no, not stupid. The person who trades treasure for trash, now *that* is stupid. M and Paul, IHAA and all the rest, yes I’m looking at you. Paul knows it. He shakes his head then hangs it in absolute horror at himself. Hopefully M will come to that realisation.

    It is like Groucho Marx saying he wouldn’t want to be in any club that would let him join. A woman who lets you have an affair with her or wants you to have an affair with her is INHERENTLY pretty low. And you’re not. And none of us who were faithful are. So M is the one who was stupid. Hopefully temporarily.

    The person who abandons treasure for trash, now that’s stupid.

  2. You certainly are not stupid, you sound like a sweet soul, just so hurt & lost right now because the man you trusted betrayed you in the worse way possible! If there are any stupid people in this, it’s our husbands, to which my husband admits to everyday! My heart goes out to you & your little ones, hugs from JOAN

  3. NH I have thought about you a lot over the past couple of days. You are beautiful and authentic, and loyal, and faithful and your heart is in the right place. You are far from stupid. It isn’t stupid to trust – because you *should* be able to trust. The only stupid one is the WS or OW. When you look at that photo remind yourself you are a sweet and beautiful woman who has an incredible strength. Love that woman you see in that photo x

    • The WS is stupid but the OW is just flat out mean. She didn’t have anything to lose so she wasn’t stupidly gambling it. She was just knifing someone who didn’t deserve it. The OW doesn’t deserve the get-out of being stupid.

      • Nephila

        I don’t usualy comment on Nohates (Hi Nohate, I still miss our pre affair conversations) board but I felt the need. I am the nothing that the OW had to loose. M was a former coworker and what I thought was a friend of mine. Not in anyway shape or form bestfriends but friends none the less. I had a lot of respect for the guy, he seemed genuinely kind and had a great work ethic. That is until he started screwing and FBing my wife while he was supposedly working.
        My point in this is what the OW did to Nohate is a huge struggle for me in my reconciliation and neither of them get the stupid card in my book!! They get the twisted, fucked up, immature, sick card. Hopefully they both can return to being the people we married and Nohate and I can reconcile with our once decent spouses.

      • I am sorry you misunderstood me Bob. I meant she had nothing to lose in *M*. Argyrodes always played the card that she *lost* Paul. To which my answer is she did not lose him, she never had him. I was not referring to the parallel stupidity to M in her own marriage. And I think they both (the cheaters) get both the stupid and the fucked up sick card in the different contexts. I hope that clears that up.

      • Oh Bob I’m so sorry you thought that. I would have said something. I didn’t take it that way.

        You are quite wonderful and I’m so sorry I ever thought anything negative about you sympathizing with your spouse.

        The pain doesn’t seem to dull about what my spouse has done to you and your family.
        I miss you, sometimes I want to reach out so bad and just call.. but I really would hate to hinder your healing in anyway.

        You were such a huge strength in the beginning of all of this and so smart.

        I wish you had a blog, because I wonder how you are. And others should know your amazing thoughts and insight into fidelity. You are so smart! When we talked I wished I could be more like you.. Handle things differently..

        You are very much correct about the calling cards of our spouses.

        Thanks for commenting Bob.. you are missed..

    • But it doesn’t make you curl up in shame “conflicted” that you did the same thing to someone’s wife. In many ways she is worse off than NH because she doesn’t even know, she probably takes some blame for the distance *you* caused. She *still* trusts. And while it is not stupid of her- it is hurting her, and will continue to hurt her forever. So it’s really a bit rich for OW and cheats to sympathise. You did the same and worse to someone just as innocent as NH. The hypocrisy is kind of shocking.

      • Neph I get it. I do.. I love your realness and your points cause me to think.
        With that being said with the mutual respect we seem to have for each other.
        I think we do, please correct me if we don’t.

        I would like to ask you to not comment on those who have cheated unless its a fact that you know to be true.

        For example we don’t know how CL’s wife is doing for sure she could be on cloud nine. She isn’t on here so her feelings are not irrelevant but we have no idea how or what she is going through we can only assume.

        Even if she is in a dark place its hers not ours to gauge how others feel.

        As I type this I am convicted (once again you are always a help) Although I feel bad CL had to endure your comment.

        I tell you we cannot gauge others feelings but that is what I’m doing to M. For example you and I do not know what it’s like to be a cheater. It’s like that video that was posted about which one is worst having birth or getting kicked in the balls. It’s the same because we all feel pain differently so some may feel greater pain in each scenario.

        So what I want to say is this unless its encouraging, a debate, or just sharing our lives. I ask that we not say things related to or like it’s a bit rich for OW and cheats to sympathize or gauge others circumstances of course unless it pertains to me πŸ™‚

        Sometimes I feel like that, but I end up to be wrong. Because these OW’s, WW’s, cheats, are all people. They have feelings, children, no children, blood, families.

        Also one day our children might have an affair on their spouse, or be a betrayed like us. I hope we would not cast out our children in the same light or our DIL, or SIL out who are the parents of our grandchildren one day.

        Once again Neph thank you for the comment because it got me to see a few things about the way I’ve been acting.

        Also because your comment here has caused CL to not want to post on my blog and I appreciate and learn from her as well so with that in mind I ask of you to emotionally disconnect from their responses on my blog and comment encouraging things, or email me your response to their comment.

        Thanks Neph. seriously and please don’t take it that if a betrayed, cheater can’t take your words they shouldn’t be on this platform. Because this is my special space and I want CL here. πŸ™‚

      • You’re very welcome to send my comments to spam if you don’t like them NH. It’s your blog. Yes, we are all people. That’s kind of the point. We are all people and yet they are capable of terrible things and still have the temerity to pretend to be on your side. I see it as conning you NH, no cheat is on your side, because look what they’ve done. If you want to believe they are that’s your prerogative but it’s fake, it’s just making them feel like they have done less wrong. I think it is always a fair question to ask “but what about your victim?”, precisely because they aren’t here. They are assumed away otherwise. And kudos to Bob for standing up and reminding us of him because in my focus on you I didn’t clarify that I wasn’t assuming him away. I appreciate that. I do not want to be like them ever in anything.

        You might read this and think well, she stayed with someone like CL. Trust me Paul couldn’t be more different. He would never speak of himself, me, Argyrodes or Brett the way she does. There’s real remorse and then there’s what chumplady derides. Real remorse is rare.

        I think I’ve got remorse in my husband. I still hope M has that in him for your sake. I don’t assume it. I think there’s at least one blog by an ex cheating man that shows real remorse, and half a dozen who don’t but think they do. After a while you can smell it.

        I think you learn the wrong things from cheats but if you want to do that and not post comments from me that’s up to you. You can, of course, still read my comments. I am not going to change my views on these people.

        Part of why I comment on cheater blogs is as a witness. It’s the one, small, sole thing I can do for their victims. To be the one person who says “no, you’re wrong, this is self indulgence nonsense”. I don’t expect it to change them. I don’t expect it to save the people they harm. But it is all I can do and I would have appreciated it.

        I wish you well of course NH but I still think you’re being conned. You’re an adult so that’s up to you. My comments stand, you publish whatever you want.

      • Neph I don’t want to send your comments to spam πŸ™‚ I don’t even know or care to do that. However what I’m saying is that it does come off like you are a big ol’ judgey bear against a cheater sometimes. I get it, it’s your truth. I completely understand the perspective that you are coming from. But when people comment on my blog I take what I can from them.
        And when people comment on my blog saying they don’t want to comment on my blog because of your comments about them your comments are affecting me, my blog, my space.

        Do I think your comments are truthful, not all of them no. But they are yours I don’t blog to get into debates about how cheaters should feel, or how BS’s are reacting to infidelity. Your comments are your thoughts and I won’t waver about how I appreciate your comments to me. Now in regards to others, it’s just unwarranted and from what I’ve gathered they already have tuned you out.

        One I don’t want you wasting your wonderfully typed words. Waste them on me, because I enjoying sharing life with you. Also I promise in no way am I being conned by others, or anyone. Good grief as you can tell, I’ve already made my bed and shared my life with snakes for many years. Does that make me stupid, No. Do I feel stupid yes.

        The fact that you feel I’m being conned worries me that you think I am not capable of seeing things on my own. One it’s nice that you care, and two I’m not sure anyone can con me on here in any kind of sense because this space is only such a fraction of my life. Yes, sometimes this world is an escape for me and not the best one at that.. So I promise while I have been pretty broken at the bottom of the stairs bleeding in my own house and heart I’m pretty tough Neph πŸ™‚

  4. NH – firstly, can I apologise. My comments regarding the WS/OW being ‘stupid’ were only in direct relation to your post. There are a myriad of other names that rightly pertain to us.
    Secondly – I am deeply saddened that every time I comment it gives certain people an avenue to unleash. As I find this very disrespectful to you and your blog – I wish you no further pain and I shall now on hold back on my comments. Please know that I hold you in high esteem and I will, even through the what and who of who I am, will be holding both you and M in my prayers. Every day.

    • Please don’t I talked with Neph I’m not sure what will come of it, but I ask you the same.

      If you do not want to not comment here, please email me.

      I appreciate your comments and I learn from them no matter how much pain I am in.

      Your prayers are not held back any longer you want to sin, no more πŸ™‚ As I type this my head and heart hurt from the massive thoughts that you and Neph have brought to my attention in my life.

      Thank you CL and please don’t go ❀

      • NH … I was actually going to email you the above, but I don’t have your address. If you could send it to me I would be happy to email you my thoughts at times. While her words do not bother me personally – it very much upsets me that it brings unnecessary hatefulness to your blog, because this should be your special place. Your sacred place. I thank you that you can see me beyond just being a ‘cheat’. My intentions are only to encourage. CL

      • I don’t think she brings hatefulness at all. I think Neph does what she does best she is genuine and honest. Granted it’s abrasive because there is no love with the truth, but you got to give the woman credit she doesn’t waver in her opinion or thoughts.
        Neph is pretty darn decisive in how she chooses to view things.
        Yes, sometimes I don’t agree with her, but I do learn from her, or when replying to her comments get me to think clearly how I view this situation when replying back.
        So no I don’t think it’s unnecessary hatefulness in my special place at all.

  5. NH – I have to say this. When you post something like this and I don’t hear from you in a couple of days (after you post every day), I worry about you! I am not asking for a full post, but let me (us) know you are doing okay. πŸ™‚ Praying for you.

  6. I so understand where you are coming from. MANY times I have felt stupid for trusting him so blindly, so completely. I believed in him so absolutely. I thought it was well-founded, and for over twenty years, it was. But in the end, we have to know that trusting someone is not stupid. Loving someone is not stupid. Believing in someone is not stupid. I lived my life and I want to continue to live my life, as an open, honest, loving, loyal, faithful, trusting, ALL-IN wife. I am not completely back there yet, but I am trying. I am not going to let the stupid, self-serving choices of two people change ME. I like who I was before the affair!! People that cheat, don’t just cheat their spouses and children. I believe they cheat themselves the most. I see and hear my husband’s pain every day. He no longer sees himself the same way. He went against every moral, value and religious belief he has ever held and that has forever changed his self-image. All the forgiveness in the world doesn’t take away the shame and disappointment of carpet-bombing his life with some worthless whore. I wouldn’t want to walk in those shoes for anything in this world. Hold your head up. You were the person you were meant to be. You are a good person then and you still are. Hang in there. It gets better bit by bit. It really does.

  7. Or want him to die. I had to stop saying it so much, if he ever ended up dead I know they would cause me because I had said it for a long time – now when I say it – it’ a a different kind of meaning -Lorena bobbitt- no wait I didn’t say that-didi?

Comment Here!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s