Okay so yesterday’s hangover didn’t go too bad. M cleaned the whole top floor, mopped, straightened up, the house looked amazing!
He made me eggs and toast. Provided me with Ibuprofen and I got to forget the world existed until 12. Then a sweet high school girl came and helped me declutter my 3 daughters closets and dressers. I think we got rid of like 50lbs of clothes.
It was crazy.. and spending time with hours with someone else other than M seems to make my soul happy.. and when I’m happy I can see things clearer. Doesn’t mean M and I are getting any better when I’m clearer.
But it also doesn’t mean I completely hate M right now which is always a good thing. Whenever any man holds your hair while you puke, puts you to bed, and makes you breakfast.. well that warrants a little bit of happiness right and joy that my husband isn’t a completely heartless individual.
I wanted to spend time with M and told him, but I was nervous about doing that. I told him, M told me to stop with the Drama! and we laughed and went out to buy diapers and came back with all sorts of things..
Anyways so I wanted to lay on M’s chest last night and I was running my fingers just over all of him. Then I thought about her fingers, her hands all over my husband and I just pulled away.
M then came to my side of the bed and said I went in the wrong direction. I told him how I felt. That his body is no longer special to me, seriously it’s like what part of him didn’t he share with her. None. He shared it all and frankly it grosses me out everytime. It’s just icky. Not that M was having extramarital sex whatever fuck him, but to me how I feel about his body, himself, my husband. What is special in terms of his body to me? It just isn’t and I told myself she can have him. I told M she can have you.
Which I know she doesn’t want him fully she never did. She belongs to Bob. So if I don’t want M, she doesn’t want him, then I know M just feels unwanted. I know how M feels about that it’s like no one loves him and he’s back at square 1. And I wonder if I loved my husband the way I claimed to before this all happened then shouldn’t I fight for him? Shouldn’t I love him through this? and then I’m like Fuck that and shove that thought clear in the far back of the depths with dark closets and fear of the dark.
Anyways so I wake up pissed off. I want a divorce, but then I’m clear enough to say “Nothate something is clearly bothering you to the point of breaking down so what is it?”
Well asides from my husband’s body being icky, I want another baby. I never did before this, but I do now. But it’s too late we decided to get him a vasectomy during his affair. No it wasn’t because of her she was already fixed by then. I want another delivery where that bitch isn’t near my baby. I want a pregnancy where I didn’t call her first and tell her I was scared to be pregnant again.
My Mirena fell out.. Quality control is lacking because I had Mirena after my first pregnancy worked like a BOSS!!
I don’t want her stupid ass near me, and me talking to her about nursing, babies, bringing me gifts. Fuck her.
But can I have one? Nope.
So M brought up adoption and I nearly wanted to jump across this table and slap him. Because he obviously isn’t getting it. Then he mentions artificial insemination and I’m like say what? If I want some other guy’s spooge in me I’m not doing it that way. I mean seriously I don’t need to stay married to you if I’m having some other guys baby.
And then M went into a pity party saying I didn’t want him for a husband.
And I didn’t say that at all. I was just saying why go all A.I and pay for that when I don’t have to?
Well that was our conversation this morning. Rizzo is back in town so I’m probably going to her house tonight and the rest of the week, if I can.. I need to get out of here again.
So that’s the start to our Sunday around here. Off to get the kiddos out of bed and head to church too. We are studying the book of John, I’m helping Rizzo with Sunday school. Sometimes I feel like such a fraud teaching, leading, helping in ministry when I cannot seem to get a handle on my marriage.
My first instinct is to pull away from everything, but maybe God is going to reveal to me more by being closer to HIM in ministry and getting my focus away from M and this insane relationship.