Nothing like the topic of Artificial Insemination to start my Sunday

Okay so yesterday’s hangover didn’t go too bad. M cleaned the whole top floor, mopped, straightened up, the house looked amazing!

He made me eggs and toast. Provided me with Ibuprofen and I got to forget the world existed until 12. Then a sweet high school girl came and helped me declutter my 3 daughters closets and dressers. I think we got rid of like 50lbs of clothes.

It was crazy.. and spending time with hours with someone else other than M seems to make my soul happy.. and when I’m happy I can see things clearer. Doesn’t mean M and I are getting any better when I’m clearer.

But it also doesn’t mean I completely hate M right now which is always a good thing. Whenever any man holds your hair while you puke, puts you to bed, and makes you breakfast.. well that warrants a little bit of happiness right and joy that my husband isn’t a completely heartless individual.

I wanted to spend time with M and told him, but I was nervous about doing that. I told him, M told me to stop with the Drama! and we laughed and went out to buy diapers and came back with all sorts of things..

Anyways so I wanted to lay on M’s chest last night and I was running my fingers just over all of him. Then I thought about her fingers, her hands all over my husband and I just pulled away.

M then came to my side of the bed and said I went in the wrong direction. I told him how I felt. That his body is no longer special to me, seriously it’s like what part of him didn’t he share with her. None. He shared it all and frankly it grosses me out everytime. It’s just icky. Not that M was having extramarital sex whatever fuck him, but to me how I feel about his body, himself, my husband. What is special in terms of his body to me? It just isn’t and I told myself she can have him. I told M she can have you.

Which I know she doesn’t want him fully she never did. She belongs to Bob. So if I don’t want M, she doesn’t want him, then I know M just feels unwanted. I know how M feels about that it’s like no one loves him and he’s back at square 1. And I wonder if I loved my husband the way I claimed to before this all happened then shouldn’t I fight for him? Shouldn’t I love him through this? and then I’m like Fuck that and shove that thought clear in the far back of the depths with dark closets and fear of the dark.

Anyways so I wake up pissed off. I want a divorce, but then I’m clear enough to say “Nothate something is clearly bothering you to the point of breaking down so what is it?”

Well asides from my husband’s body being icky, I want another baby. I never did before this, but I do now. But it’s too late we decided to get him a vasectomy during his affair. No it wasn’t because of her she was already fixed by then. I want another delivery where that bitch isn’t near my baby. I want a pregnancy where I didn’t call her first and tell her I was scared to be pregnant again.

My Mirena fell out.. Quality control is lacking because I had Mirena after my first pregnancy worked like a BOSS!!

I don’t want her stupid ass near me, and me talking to her about nursing, babies, bringing me gifts. Fuck her.

But can I have one? Nope.

So M brought up adoption and I nearly wanted to jump across this table and slap him. Because he obviously isn’t getting it. Then he mentions artificial insemination and I’m like say what? If I want some other guy’s spooge in me I’m not doing it that way. I mean seriously I don’t need to stay married to you if I’m having some other guys baby.

And then M went into a pity party saying I didn’t want him for a husband.

And I didn’t say that at all. I was just saying why go all A.I and pay for that when I don’t have to?

Well that was our conversation this morning. Rizzo is back in town so I’m probably going to her house tonight and the rest of the week, if I can.. I need to get out of here again.

So that’s the start to our Sunday around here. Off to get the kiddos out of bed and head to church too. We are studying the book of John, I’m helping Rizzo with Sunday school. Sometimes I feel like such a fraud teaching, leading, helping in ministry when I cannot seem to get a handle on my marriage.

My first instinct is to pull away from everything, but maybe God is going to reveal to me more by being closer to HIM in ministry and getting my focus away from M and this insane relationship.

 

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10 thoughts on “Nothing like the topic of Artificial Insemination to start my Sunday

  1. That is a lot to deal with in a short amount of time. I’m so proud of you for being so truthful w/ him with how you feel. That is a serious challenge for me. Serious. Challenge. Those who hurt me I want to block out and run away from – not talk to about my feelings. Which, is quite opposite of any counselor’s suggestion.

    • I love this.. seriously I think I’m on a down hill again but in a different way. I got breakfast done with my babies, got them all dressed and all 5 of us walked into the church like pure amazingness! Makes me feel so confident I can do this kid thing without M. I can do so much without him and be happy, joyful, show others joy.. serve them.. I taught an amazing Sunday school..
      I sung Break these chains and wished this chained called M could be broken..
      I know better though.. I can’t just divorce him, or leave him, but for now I need a break, a break from him.
      I am seeing what I need, how to process what I need, and it isn’t M right now.
      Maybe later, just have to live in the now and be joyful in who the Lord created me to be and my mission field here with our kids.
      M? I am just trying to hold onto myself and my reality, he’s going to have to fend for himself for awhile.. 🙂 Thanks always IHAA

      • Yes! Relearn yourself, heal yourself, be yourself, know yourself, love yourself. The rest will fall into place according to His plan.

  2. Spooge?? LOL!! I feel exactly the same way about my husband’s body. I can’t even bear to look at him when we make love because those same eyes gazed upon someone else’s body. Sad eh? 😦

  3. Don’t leave! :/ Stay and fight your way through it – with him to lash out at, to attempt to comfort you, to be someone for you to hold onto and sob into! Get a bucket full of exfoliating lotion/wash from the dollar store and scrub all the skin that whore touched off of his body. Say horrible things, if you need to, as you do it. Cry. Slap him. Scratch at him. Let him see your full pain. Show him you’re trying to work through it, rather than around it.

    M is YOUR husband. YOUR love-er.

    *Do* you still love him? Is there anything there or does it hurt so much *because* you know it’s there? Are you letting out the love you feel, in those small moments when you DO feel love, or are you holding it back to punish him/because he doesn’t deserve it?

    And it’s okay to feel things in front of the children and be open and vulnerable and honest. To say “I’m crying/can’t make a proper dinner right/don’t want to go anywhere or see anyone because Mommy is feeling sad right now. VERY sad.” Why? “Because Papa lied to Mommy and it makes me so sad. He’s trying to not tell anymore lies but I’m still very sad that he did it. Can you be gentle to me, with your words and your behavior, please? I need my mind to be calm and quiet as much as possible.”

    I don’t know you… but I feel so much for you. I pray for you to be filled with greater peace. To let out all the wretchedness you feel, as it comes, so there’s actually ROOM for peace to take hold. For M to get out everything inside of him as well – love and anger alike, however unjustified – and for you to lash out and argue and cry against – so that you both feel Truth flooding through you. No matter how awful it is, with all of those emotions crashing about, you will know that it’s TRUE. The process of it will be nothing but truth and so the result – whatever that is – will be REAL. It will happen eventually anyway- rip the bandages off and dig deep and fully. You have nothing to lose, at this point, right? It’s not going well and is headed in a certain direction, yes? Being apart just delays the inevitable. Don’t be afraid of the truth or its consequences. (You too, M! It WILL hurt you – so much more than it already does. You have to be completely vulnerable. Voice your fears. Your love. Don’t be afraid of the consequences of utter and complete honesty! Even if she hasn’t heard them from your lips, she knows what they are… she has always been able to sense them. She ALREADY knows… but you NOT saying it keeps her in fear that it’s a slippery slope to lying/betrayal in the future. You need to not only NOT lie but you need to tell her every truth, as it stands now, in your mind. All of them.)

    • I do love him. I do.. but I still feel stupid for doing so and until that goes away I’m pretty sure loving him fully is not going to happen. 🙂
      That’s hilarious about the Dollar Store body wash I mean I don’t want M smelling like Watermelon Musk or some horrid smell that Bath and Body works rejected and sent to the Dollar Store for resale 🙂 LOL!! ..
      But in all seriousness I appreciate the comment and I super agree the kids know there is not all gumdrops and rainbows here in this house and Daddy lied and the lady they thought was my best friend pretended to be friends with Mommy and broke my heart.

      We are pretty honest around here but that also means a decompressing time and me getting out of here does that.

      Thank you for your prayers ❤ ❤

  4. I still have those moments, those God-awful moments where her touch has contaminated him. I can’t bear him to do the thing he is best at – because I know how much pleasure she got from his skill (she told me, that was one of her kind parting gifts, and the diseases certainly made me feel pretty revolted by his body.) But I was okay-ish about most of that to start with, occasional, nauseous disgust, but mostly I wanted him so much. Now, I really have to concentrate to not feel revolted by some of his body (hell, he’s got a great body, such a damn waste!) and a lot of the things I know he did – I can’t kiss him anymore, because that tongue went in her diseased c^%&. And we have scrubbed, disinfected, and purged her as best we can – he knows what the triggers are, and it means lovemaking was stilted, and didn’t flow as erotically as it used to, “what to avoid, what to avoid….” constantly going through his mind – but more mine. I found in the end I just had to leave my body and no longer participate as my heart just ached trying to connect with him during sex, desperately trying to find the off switch to the giant projector of them raping me, or them gently making sweet, sweet love, or rough, hard, erotic sex – I mean, it was like someone (Leanne) had hold of my heart, and was squeezing it as hard as she could – it was a real image, and it REALLY bloody hurt. And I’m not sure WHY it still hurts so much – I mean I sure wasn’t his first, and I know some of his exes – it had NEVER bothered me before that they had had their bodies all over him. Weird.

    And the ache for another baby – HELL YEAH. I had that, BIG TIME (and I also had never ached for a baby, even through the three I already have) – but I knew what it was. It was a desperation to go back to a better time, to start afresh (which you can’t do) but mostly I knew that there was no way I was bringing another child into this mess, besides, my youngest was twelve then, and my eldest eighteen, I was in my early 40s, and although that didn’t bother me, I wasn’t going to start again, realistically. (I even got pregnant about a year after Dday – totally by mistake – I also have a Mirena) and thankfully I miscarrried after breaking my nose in a horse-related accident, as I wasn’t going to have that baby, ache or no ache, I am far too practical for that. No Band-Aid babies for us, wasn’t gonna do that to a poor child :-(.

    • I don’t know if it would be a band-aid baby I just want a pregnancy where she is not apart of it. The delivery the afterlife.

      M and I have such amazing kiddos you would love them Paula and they would love your animals. 🙂

      I want to take it all in have my husband be completely by my side but alas reversals cost a heck of alot of money and my auto-immune disease is a no go for pregnancies so far..

      M is pretty adamant if I want another baby he will do what it takes.. but I don’t know time will tell..

      • I know exactly what you mean. Argyrodes wasn’t a friend so I don’t have the double betrayal but she asked to have him bring my baby to her mothers house while I was at work! She held my 4 month old little girl and imagined she was hers. And the whole affair started when she was pissed to find out I was having a baby in a few weeks (she thought she’d groomed him better than for him to go and start another baby with me). So my little gorgeous daughter is one of my biggest triggers. All because some bitch mother thought it was ok to do that to another mother. She knew *exactly* what she was doing as I am sure S did.

        But like Paula says, you don’t get a do-over. I would love another baby, we always wanted 3. But it won’t fix the triggers, it will actually make them worse because every time you meet a milestone it will remind you of that other time. And you’re very early on. I started wanting one when my baby was 1, but the affair was only over 6 months. That would have been dumb, I didn’t even know if I would stay. I’d only just got my permanent job back a few months earlier.

        Take your time. I’m guessing you are a lot younger than I am, and even I still have a bit of time.

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