Sleepy

I slept at Rizzo’s last night and I’m sleepy. I missed M and my house. I normally don’t.

Our church had a showing of Mother’s Night Out and our whole family went to see it. Well M and I did. The boy played with a pal and the girls were in childcare.

The couples were so cute in the movie. I used to identify with love and movies and think M and I’s love was better, but I understood it. Now I look at Rom Com’s and think I remember when I used to feel that way about my husband.

Not so much anymore, or ever.

We talked alot yesterday about how he is a shared husband and to me he will always be that. The husband who I had to share on his own accord of course. And it disgusts me. I don’t want to be with a husband like that. I don’t want to share, I know I didn’t have any choice in the matter, but I don’t.

And I think it’s very selfish of M to say we can make it through this. Because when he says we, I really feel he’s meaning me. Because in reality M doesn’t have a problem anymore right? He’s repentant, sorry, remorseful, doing all the right things now. Who has the problem being in the relationship? me. Who has a problem being married to a reformed whore? Me. Who has the problem with continuing on this marriage? Yup still Me.

I am on my way home and packing up my things. I was thinking I’ll make a big breakfast for the kids now I’m not so sure. I am super tired.

I wake up wondering what the Lord has for me today because I was up WAY too late in a couple of chat rooms and nothing came from it. I just wanted to visit with someone.

I wish I knew how I felt about M going home. I’m not excited to see him or the kids.. I’m just sleepy..

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Sleepy

  1. Excuse my language here but if M really thinks what you wrote in para 6 he needs an ice bucket and the awareness he’s seeking is of total selfish arseholery not motor neurone disease. Get with it M! This problem is on your door, on your watch. And being the choirboy now is not enough.

    You’re not going to like it but for me it made an enormous difference that Paul went out and hurt Argyrodes. Deliberately. Off his own bat. I don’t mean illegally at all. Totally honourable for a change. He told people the truth about her. And him too, but he’s sorry and she’s freaking not. It’s amazing how much it helped to have him in my corner telling people who mattered who she really was and how even now she has no shame and he’s disgusted with himself for ever thinking she was worth a dime. Priceless that was. It was like he was saying what he should have said when she first suggested the affair. Better late than never.

      • I would agree with Rizzo… Look, HE let YOU down. You need to stop blaming yourself for something HE did. He knows he let you down (quick side note: Letting down is so very much belittling the situation, but for ease of discussion, that is what I am going with 🙂 ). He let YOU down. You were not a fool, you were a wife… this is all his doing, his problem, his issues… I really feel he knows that now and is not trying to just make amends but live differently, deliberately and purposefully for you to show you that he knows it was his fault.
        It is okay to love him. I it is okay to miss him. Eventually, eventually…. it will even be okay to forgive him.
        Keep your head up, chin out and take it as it comes… protect yourself when needed, miss and love when wanted and just be you… You are stronger and smarter than you think and don’t always need to doubt your feelings… They are YOUR feelings and completely warranted.

  2. The truly “good guys”, the ones who are completely and totally remorseful, enter into a sort of relief stage after d-day. My husband is beyond sorry he ever cheated. He hates it, and hates himself. He is completely all in again to our marriage. It terrifies him to think of what he almost lost, over some whore. He wants to move far and fast away from his affair as he possibly can. He is giddy with relief that it’s in the rear view mirror, and the kids and I are still right here. Willing to try, willing to rebuild, willing to work on forgiveness. He loves me even MORE for fighting for him, our marriage, our family. He appreciates me in ways I think he didn’t before. He’s gotten counseling, done the hard work.

    And there is me. The faithful spouse, feeling used and abused. Disappointed that he was ever capable of having an affair. Something so filthy, so disgusting. To be intimate with a whore. It changes the way I see him, even when I don’t want it to do so. I don’t want to see a dumpster diver when I look at him. I hope this feeling goes away for both of us! We deserve SO much better. It is THEIR moral failing, not ours.

  3. NH, he might be selfish in saying that, but he also might be saying “we” and meaning “we.” I don’t view my wife’s problems as “her problems.” They are “our problems.” We’re in this together, my wife and I. Besides, I doubt he’s really problem free. He may be repentant (sounds like he is) but he’s probably still struggling with guilt and remorse. I know – so what? He brought it on himself, right? Darn right he did, but it is still a struggle to live with that guilt, try to be a different and better person, and be there for you.

    Of course if he really is saying your problems are your problems, then you’ve got a problem. Recovery refuses to be rushed. The pain is slow to fade, and trust and love is slow to return. There’s not timetable for this and if he wants the marriage to work, he’s gotta be there by your side, patiently, lovingly, selflessly taking care of you and the marriage.

    • You are right, maybe he is meaning we and I’m just taking it as me. I see it being that way than any other way, now that you walked me through that.

      Seriously sometimes I think he has it so easy and I need others to remind me that he doesn’t.

      Because I forget.. I shouldn’t but I do..
      Thank you 🙂

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