A shower, laundry, and tea should maybe make me feel better..

I am not feeling very well. My chest feels all icky and phlemgy.. but dam it if I’m going to miss therapy today..

I feel well enough to do dishes, laundry, pick up up this crazy place so I’m well enough to do therapy right?

You bet! Thanks for encouraging me 😉

I’m thinking about taking the kids to go pick apples after therapy and just get out of town for a bit. Most of them are not feeling up to par anyway and I’m sure the fresh fall air will do them good.

M and I slept close last night and it felt good. He’s warm when I’m cold usually and gosh he does feel good. Then I feel like the crazy person who smacks herself and says STOP IT. This recovering LIAR does not feel good get it together!!

But I don’t stop to smack myself, I smiles cozy up closer and close my eyes in peace and then I wake up to him hugging me and feel vaguely uneasy..

But dammit he does feel good..and I whisper I love you back to him as he leaves for work.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said I love you.. maybe I should have said I love the way this feels, you feel, how warm and fuzzy this all feels..

But I said it and while I kind of want to take it back, I can’t..

Because I wonder if I do.. I wonder if I don’t..

I wonder if I’ll ever stop wondering..

Now I feel like that stupid Alice in Wonderland cat that doesn’t make any dam sense.

Happy Tuesday everyone..

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7 thoughts on “A shower, laundry, and tea should maybe make me feel better..

  1. The hatred and the love and the Being Conflicted… all real. He doesn;t deserve to hold you and you let hi anyway… because it’s what you need. And he has the need to GIVE it to you, All of those emotions are worth feeling and coming out so that M sees them; feels the. But the love was there – you felt it – when he was holding you close. It’s a spark. Let it catch fire, NH!

  2. Okay, NH – I have a question that I am asking out of the deepest admiration and respect – why do you doubt yourself so much? I have more to say on this, but would like to hear your response first….

    • PSshaw.. like you need to prelude your question with that. Me and you are pals ask away..

      As for the doubt.. I don’t know if I doubt I can do this or not..
      My range is more like I’m okay I can do this then it goes to RUN! RUN! FUCKING RUN!! THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT!
      All in about 2 seconds

      • I guess my thing is this. I may make mistakes, but I live without regrets. If I do something and bad becomes of it, I learn from it and therefore cannot regret it. Now – I am in NO WAY saying you did something bad, just using me as an example right now.

        So, I guess I am saying if you feel a certain way (you want to say you love M, you want to snuggle, you want to miss him) then feel that way, but stop doubting yourself. You are asking God for help, for answers… well, maybe those little voices making you speak out against your “better judgment” are in a way God helping you little by little. Maybe I am just yammering, but that is my 1.5 cents. Feel free to dispute and/or comment.

      • No completely get it I used to live that way too. I think I still do.
        It’s why M and I argued so much about what he did. Because he’s all remorseful and sorry he screwed some horrible woman for years and I’m the oppostie.
        I wouldn’t regret it, because every choice I make I don’t regret like that.
        I think that is why I’m so confused. This situation has messed with me because I regretted ever marrying him at one point.
        I regret alot about him and her..
        I get what you are saying just go with it.. but I fight because it feels like before. I’ve been in a fake reconciliation for 2+ years with them both. So I have to figure this all out in my head so I make the best decision for me.. Because just because I feel nice and cozy with M doesn’t mean there isn’t bad lurking behind that.
        Does that make sense?

      • It makes total sense. I just hate hearing when you doubt yourself because you were vulnerable for a second. I COMPLETELY understand what that vulnerability led to and can lead to, but it is understandable that you might want to be vulnerable and loved by him one day… and hate him the next…. just don’t doubt why you felt that way, you know?

        Completely unrelated (and feel free to edit this out if you need to) I have something to say to you sometime offline, just once if you ever want to hear it. You will know how to contact me.

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