I understood when Rizzo told me that tonight. Because M and I have been on just a ride since Jan 2012 I just came to the party late.
And right now we are happy, miserable. And the miserable way out number the happy that is for damn sure.
But the miserable is not the drug out throwing outdoor furniture anymore. Funny how M says I don’t act as angry as I write. So thank you to all who read, comment, and to the Good Lord for providing me such faithful truth warriors that help me walk this dark road. Every once and awhile I see lights down the road, but the cars never seem to be for me, or the right ones, some do stop and I’m like no thanks…
So I keep walking, angry, hatefully, full of regret at times. Or okay because sometimes the kids are with me and M and all of us together seem to make the walk okay… but most of the time I’m still in the dark fighting..
M says I’m in my head too much. My therapist says the same.
I don’t know whether that’s a bad thing or a good thing yet.
I told M that you know all that I think and examine about myself keeps me from becoming like you and her. All my examining keeps me strong and helps me evaluate what the fuck I’m doing.
Yes, I took a gamble on M and M’s AP at the drunken incident, but looking at the love and life I shared between the both of them. Never would I have imagined how I could lie in bed with a snake for years. And also keep the company of her. I mean seriously keeping that kind of company can ruin a person whether they know or don’t.
Bad company spoils people it does. Just like a hateful Mom will hurt her children. I was not ruined for those two years. I grew in my faith, in my parenting, as a wife, and as a person. I spent at least 90% of my time and thoughts with either one of them. Sharing life that could have brought me down with them, but it didn’t.
Rizzo told me a great thing that happened from this is S forced her way out of my life so I could be with healthy people. I’m not just talking about people of faith, just women who are genuine and faithful to themselves, their spouses, and the company they keep.
So maybe for that I’m grateful, because Bob is right what she did was rotten to the core. You don’t fuck your best friend’s husband and then invite them both over for parties. A best gal pal does not play footsie with your husband at a party with me present.
But I suppose in this land it’s good to look at perspective. I mean I’m grateful they never got caught in a parking lot or on the side of a road somewhere that would have been in the papers in our small town. I’m glad my husband fucked around with someone who is fixed, because I would not want to do this and have another child to deal with as well.
I’m glad she is getting help now and we know how sick she is. M too. He’s gross as well.
Because I sometimes only compare to the stories that are lighter than mine and think motherfucker!! You couldn’t have fucked her once and been done? Some people’s affairs last for a few months. My husband no he’s the sick, lying asshole that does this for years with a very sad, sad mother/wife/woman.
We argue sometimes about if that’s the kind of woman he wants keep at it. Because let’s just go with size. M’s AP is about 100lbs less than me. Do I think she’s prettier, fuck no. But there’s that and she’s way different than me..
She’s self-conscious, lacks self-esteem (which is crazy these low self-esteem bitches including M can send naked pictures of themselves to each other). She doesn’t speak up and she cowers. That is pre-affair. But I learned alot from her because I was much more abrasive when I first met her. Because we were so opposite and I told M if that’s what kind of woman you want please go.. Because there is no way I could ever be that type of woman.
But I feel like myself growing somedays and stagnant in others.
But whatever I’ve gotten off topic..
So Rizzo makes time for me, I’m getting sick I think it’s God’s way of telling me to keep my crazy ass home and deal with M.
In no way am I conflict avoiding in my mind dealing with M when I leave it’s more like not wanting to sin and fuck him up, or kick him out! But in a way it is.. because I don’t have the skills to deal with the bullshit.. seriously..
I would like to settle with being okay.. but I’ve never been good at settling.. in fact I fucking hate it..
Anyways here are the topics Rizzo helped me with that I am dreading telling M about. But I’m going to because
1. I made a skillet brownie and it smells fucking amazing! it’s also too big that I shouldn’t eat it all myself.
2. Talking my theories out makes me feel secure. So M fucking knows what I’m thinking, where I’m at, and I know the same about him.
So here it goes. I need M and I should tell him so. I used to need him and I need him now. He’s the one I talk with the most because even with Rizzo I feel like a fucking nut case. Like I’m the girl who just keeps rambling on about the same nonesense and am not strong enough to fucking move on (stay). And with M I don’t feel so weak.. I know it’s weird.. because none of my pals say those things.
Also I am committed to this no matter how I feel. I’m here and I’ve been mucking through this with our precious babies and that shows commitment. I hate that, but it does and the more I process with M the better.
I need that from M to process this with me, and I am going to just go out on a limb and try this vulnerability thing and tell M I do need that.
Because honestly I don’t want to fucking need anything from him. But what has been happening is the truth that I process so much with M now than before and I need that for me.
Rizzo helped me identify that need. I’m so thankful for God and having me make the relationships that I’ve had for 9 years since I’ve moved here blossom and thrive. I’ve known Glasses, Books, Rizzo, Frenchie, and the others I’ve mentioned for years before this and they have been my lights.
I’ve developed these relationships as long as I’ve known S and where is she? No where.. such a shame. Shame on me too, for not looking more into who I was spending my time with.
Anyways this wasn’t supposed to be long but here we are.. here’s to being somewhat okay, here’s to loving my precious blessings another day, here’s to loving more than hating, here’s to another day..
Here’s the skillet brownie it was yumm-o