It’s for our son’s Bible Bowl tournament.
The girls will be with M.
I was asked to drive.
Also I’m sorry for last post the first line was supposed to be I can eat my weight in dried mangoes..
I could have said No, but Rizzo needed a driver and she’s desperate because everyone knows I’m a horrible driver.
I am slow, easily panicked, and scared of interstates, freeways, or wherever a bunch of cars are around me going fast.
Another delay in my plans to leave M.
If I didn’t know better I would think I was being sabotaged, but I also procrastinate that distribution letter I just need to sign stick in an envelope and stuff in the mailbox that is a few feet from my home? Yeah that one that’s supposed to get me some money to get the fuck out of here. Not filled out..
I’m not going to lie. I’m scared. Scared of making the wrong fucking decision..
I told M our marriage was a bad decision, he disagrees I said why? I mean you obliterated your character, who you are while you were married. That would have not happened being married, or married to me at least. He disagrees and says there are plenty of other things he could have done to get himself in this position, or worse.
Then he brings in the best ammo that my marriage was not a complete and utter failure. The boy, Em, Bell, and Squish.
They wouldn’t have happened and dammit.. I got nothing whenever those precious 4 come into play..
I hate that I’m fucking scared to leave, or even get my own bank account. Any real action about dissolving this union even a little.
I feel weak.
M says it’s okay. It’s okay if I want to stay again, and then want to leave. We can get through it. He says if I leave I will always have a place to come back to. I was flattered at first because had M left me, there would be no fucking turning back. Nope I’m not one for backsies when it comes to matter of the heart yes, I’m the jerk in most situations but it’s true.
So even if I do leave I don’t plan on coming back. I’m not that type of person. I want to say M has said he’s been faithful and who the fuck knows what he’ll do when I leave. Maybe I’m testing him. But I know if our truck broke down in the middle of nowhere I know my husband would come save me.
He always has.
Many a times my husband has saved me from doing just the silly things that I do, and I’m just not thinking.
Like one time I was on a step ladder and just walked off of it. I forgot I was up there and there he was to catch me and say Whoa! What were you doing and we both laugh as I say whoops I forgot I was up on a ladder I got what I needed and was getting down.
Keys locked in cars, things I can’t find, M would grumble but help me.
When the boy and I thought we could practice survival fires in our backyard. M vetoed the idea because we were planning on doing it by our gas line.. whoops I forgot that, that pesky meter was there 😦 Good thing I told boy we’d have to wait and ask Dad first before we just plunged into it 🙂
He told me today that if I leave God will be faithful to us.
And with that I’m thankful because I fear me rebelling against God and doing what I want to do is going to not only be suffering on my part, but for our babies too.
He was clear that him telling me that was not his blessing to let me go. But that everything would be fine and we would work it out.
And if I needed him to call.
Well.. that’s it for now. Off to deliver girl scout paperwork and get the boy snacks for our trip.