And I’m off to see Nebraska

It’s for our son’s Bible Bowl tournament.

The girls will be with M.

I was asked to drive.

Also I’m sorry for last post the first line was supposed to be I can eat my weight in dried mangoes..

I could have said No, but Rizzo needed a driver and she’s desperate because everyone knows I’m a horrible driver.

I am slow, easily panicked, and scared of interstates, freeways, or wherever a bunch of cars are around me going fast.

Another delay in my plans to leave M.

If I didn’t know better I would think I was being sabotaged, but I also procrastinate that distribution letter I just need to sign stick in an envelope and stuff in the mailbox that is a few feet from my home? Yeah that one that’s supposed to get me some money to get the fuck out of here. Not filled out..

I’m not going to lie. I’m scared. Scared of making the wrong fucking decision..

I told M our marriage was a bad decision, he disagrees I said why? I mean you obliterated your character, who you are while you were married. That would have not happened being married, or married to me at least. He disagrees and says there are plenty of other things he could have done to get himself in this position, or worse.

Then he brings in the best ammo that my marriage was not a complete and utter failure. The boy, Em, Bell, and Squish.

They wouldn’t have happened and dammit.. I got nothing whenever those precious 4 come into play..

I hate that I’m fucking scared to leave, or even get my own bank account. Any real action about dissolving this union even a little.

I feel weak.

M says it’s okay. It’s okay if I want to stay again, and then want to leave. We can get through it. He says if I leave I will always have a place to come back to. I was flattered at first because had M left me, there would be no fucking turning back. Nope I’m not one for backsies when it comes to matter of the heart yes, I’m the jerk in most situations but it’s true.

So even if I do leave I don’t plan on coming back. I’m not that type of person. I want to say M has said he’s been faithful and who the fuck knows what he’ll do when I leave. Maybe I’m testing him. But I know if our truck broke down in the middle of nowhere I know my husband would come save me.

He always has.

Many a times my husband has saved me from doing just the silly things that I do, and I’m just not thinking.

Like one time I was on a step ladder and just walked off of it. I forgot I was up there and there he was to catch me and say Whoa! What were you doing and we both laugh as I say whoops I forgot I was up on a ladder I got what I needed and was getting down.

Keys locked in cars, things I can’t find, M would grumble but help me.

When the boy and I thought we could practice survival fires in our backyard. M vetoed the idea because we were planning on doing it by our gas line.. whoops I forgot that, that pesky meter was there 😦 Good thing I told boy we’d have to wait and ask Dad first before we just plunged into it πŸ™‚

He told me today that if I leave God will be faithful to us.

And with that I’m thankful because I fear me rebelling against God and doing what I want to do is going to not only be suffering on my part, but for our babies too.

He was clear that him telling me that was not his blessing to let me go. But that everything would be fine and we would work it out.

And if I needed him to call.

Well.. that’s it for now. Off to deliver girl scout paperwork and get the boy snacks for our trip.


10 thoughts on “And I’m off to see Nebraska

  1. Your husband did some terrible, selfish, hurtful things that are going to haunt you both for the rest of your lives. But when I read this post I see a good man who loves you and is trying to be what you need him to be, even if that means letting you go.

  2. Don’t let him play the children card though. You’d have had lovely children with someone if not M. They might have had different names or ages but they would have been great in all the ways your children are. Saying that doesn’t mean you love your children less, just M is not the reason you love them. You love *them*, and it’s just coincidental he’s their father.

    We lost 2 sons to stillbirth. I desperately wanted them to have lived. But if they had lived we wouldn’t have our daughter as she was conceived just a few months later.

    I cannot easily imagine that alternate reality where we have them but not her, but I know that I would have loved them and that doesn’t mean I don’t love her. It’s an accident of fate that it’s her here not them. We love the children we have.

    If I hadn’t married Paul I probably would have married John (he asked me, I said no because of Paul). I would have had kids. They would have been great. And I wouldn’t have lost my children because I wouldn’t have lived the alternate reality.

    Stay with M for M, or to keep the home together or for your own reasons. But he’s not the reason you have those kids you love. You are.

    • So true Neph but not the same kids and I want the same kids. Even if I had a chance to turn back time and reverse this union I probably wouldn’t i want to. I want all 4 of them exactly how they are. cheater daddy and hater Mom..
      We both made them. Sorry this is all typed goody on iPad 😦

      • But the point is, you wouldn’t know these kids, you would know the ones you had instead – and you know what, crazy though it sounds – you might have even thought they were pretty great πŸ˜‰ You can’t miss what you didn’t have, but they would have been great, no matter how, who, or when. You wouldn’t miss these ones, because they never existed.

        I love my kids, as every decent mother does, but I can see that if I had “other” kids, of course I would be equally as fierce about them. If I had no kids, by choice, I would be happy with that decision, too. That is the thing with all of this alternate universe stuff. And whichever way the cookie crumbles, you have these kids, and their father is M – it matters not whether you stay together or split – they are still yours and you will love them just as much.

      • I understand. But there’s another side I wouldn’t have seen if I didn’t have babies I lost who couldn’t have lived if I had had the kids I have now. I guess I got that insight by pain, and by hearing people calling my baby the replacement (she wasn’t, she’s her own miracle).

        I have to steal the “typed goody on iPad” as my sign off though. Love that one.

  3. Dear Not Hate, Here’s my 2 cents for what it’s worth, I believe you still love your husband & don’t really want to leave him, you’re just so hurt & confused right now, you don’t really know what you want to do, I’ve been there & still am to an extent! You are still early in your recovery, don’t make a decision too early, give yourself some time! Hugs from JOAN. Safe trip & take care of yourself!

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