I’m so stressed I feel as if I have had Botox

I’ve never had Botox and am not knocking it, but my forehead is SOOO tight all the time from being pissed off. I can only assume when your eyebrow muscles ache it isn’t a good thing

On my way home from Bible Bowl I was so unhappy coming home. Rizzo and E (another sponsor) kept trying to talk me out of leaving and I was just bent about leaving..

I’m too young for this nonsense (almost 35)

I pulled in the driveway, boy got out and I started to cry.

M looked happy to see me. I really shouldn’t have gotten out of the car.

Because the fury came out again and I fucking pushed him and started to punch him. I mean I haven’t punched that hard in a long time back in my boxing training days in the Army.

I felt horrible for it afterwards.

M said he deserves it.

I tell him no one deserves it and I’m sorry.

But you know what makes me feel even more horrible. I’m not THAT sorry about it and a little part of me is like that is just a taste MOTHERFUCKER.. and I’m going to get your little bitch too..

Yeah fucking evil and I know better people.. I know better.. We all knew this hate stuff would take me to darker places..

I emailed Bob and he emailed me back. It was nice. He’s always helpful.

I think I’m going to have to start running, taking boxing lessons, and get the rage out one way or another. Eating peanut butter M&M’s isn’t working for damn sure, but I’m so thankful for the Good Lord and all his blessings including peanut butter M&M’s.

Ugh I hate running, but I need to do something and M wants to do that with me. I can only assume he wants to run with me because he started to run 1 year and 1/2 into his affair and wants to replace that fucked up time in his life. I mean he would come home and say running clears his head..

Apparently running doesn’t clear your head too much..

Anyways I stare at the dist. papers that Rizzo wants to burn and I hate myself so much sometimes.. Why do I want M and hate him so much but cannot get out of this box? The box of Motherfucker I’m going to hurt you as much as you hurt me!! Or this cowardly bitch is a LIAR and a COWARD run from him as fast as you can!!

Because I want him around. Holding him makes me feel good, even after I’ve fucking raged. When he holds me close and gently touches my cheeks and hair.. I feel good people.. wonderful even.. and I don’t want the feeling to end. I want my children to have this family as fucked up as we are we do belong together. All of us and I hate that too..

I’ve been here before..

I wonder if I’m moving forwards or backwards in recovering from this stupidness..

I wonder if I’m even going to like myself after this has all played out one way or another.

As I play out all this ugliness and judge my husband for doing this while being up there in the worship band. Look at me model Sunday school teacher right?

Ugh.. here’s to another day down.

I don’t want to leave, cash out my IRA, or M gone right now..

I wish I could make up my mind.. but alas wishes have never gotten me anywhere, nor this hate in my heart….

 

See you all after church..

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5 thoughts on “I’m so stressed I feel as if I have had Botox

  1. I didn’t realise you were so young! My cheating husband was also into running while deep in the affair fog. He looked great. I was overweight. After the affair, when the running stopped, he stacked on the weight while I dropped 20 kilos in no time. Oh, the irony. Fuck running!

  2. The good news is, whether it’s forwards or backwards, you’re continuing to move. Some days it WILL be backwards. But you’re not just stagnant, not attempting to work your way THROUGH it. Even though I competed in track and field for 10 years, running never clears my mind. I need something like pilates or boxing as well.

  3. Him run NEVER I can barely get him to go on a walk with me. Yes I so understand when you say “I wish I could make up my mind”, usually I say “I wish I knew what to do”. Either way it’s so tough to not have an answer..

  4. My ex husband also started working out and running when he started his affair. When I went to the private detective he actually asked me if my husband had started working out recently because that’s usually a sign. I thought that was crazy but I guess not!!

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