Looking for jobs and my FIL

My FIL suggested I not cash out my IRA.

So that plan is not in place anymore. My FIL is smart and wants the best for me too.

It’s funny he comes from the place of M is weak in the flesh and what did M’s AP do to lure him.

Ahhh.. the naivety of that statement. This is also the same man who told me “How could I not have known she was my best friend”..

My FIL is a great guy, smart, hilarious, but this topic is where I am noticing he fails with reasoning. I am thankful I can kind of get him out of his range of thinking.

For  example I have a hard time with M wanting encouragement and me appreciating his efforts.

Why? Because when I crunch the numbers of what a liar my husband can be 5 months compared to 27 months just doesn’t cut it for me. Although like Isle has mentioned and others how long is long enough to where a person can be redeemed for being disgusting?

I’m not sure. I’m new at this and maybe it should be enough not for me. So my FIL tells me that most men would falter when approached and I get that logic fine, but then do I want to be married to that guy.. yeah no.. check please..

I told my FIL if I was abusing my children for years and stopped for 5 months would that be reason to completely trust me with my children. No, it wouldn’t. I would still be watched, questioned, probably the rest of my life. I don’t want to live like that, be married to someone like that. Then my FIL proceeds to say well children are helpless it’s different and I say how? You are claiming M was helpless against her efforts, M is so detestably (my own adj. there) succumbs to his flesh so quickly and without thought so how is that any different?

My FIL gave me credit for being a quick thinker.

Also he wanted to know her story, because if that would matter. I mean there is a reason lawyers tend to want credible witnesses right? Yeah M and M’s AP? Uhh.. I’m pretty sure wouldn’t make the cut at least for me any way. There’s no way I would trust either of them to uphold anything worth saving. My FIL smiled I think because I’m super smart and I’m not big on taking chances. neither is my FIL.

Was there a big judgement there. You bet.

But that’s where I am.

I am going to make my babies crepes this morning and get a few chores done before we head over to Rizzo’s today.

The job market seems okay for an out-of-work Mom of four who used to be an Avionics/Communication Technician.

The problems is where the jobs are and how to take care of our babies, but like I told my FIL I cannot trust M to take care of me and our children. Maybe he’s learned his lesson. I know God wants me to believe him (he’s told me seriously I do hear from our father), but I just can’t seem to wrap my head around loving M again. Believing he will do right by our kids, our family, our marriage.

I mean fine screw the marriage, yeah I’m not a perfect woman, or spouse, but dammit these kids believed in him to love them and think of them too. He didn’t, he didn’t think of anyone but himself. Now they are suffering because of his stupid choices and when I leave him I know they will suffer more. I hope not, but I’d rather place my apples in the bins of my kids will suffer and how can I minimize the damage. They want their Dad, gosh I want their Dad not the man now, but the man I married who worked hard for what he wanted.

Not worked hard to lie, hide, and use others.

Do I want to work, put my kids in public school, Squish in daycare and do the single gal bit, Fuck no let’s be honest.

But I will, I’m a hard worker and our kids can rely on me to look after them, not betray or pretend that I’m a person I am not to them.

Funny as I type that I wonder if I’m being a hypocrite.

Because I am not putting our kids first getting a job and putting them in school and daycare. My kids do not want that, well 2 of them want to go to school, but they may change their mind and they wouldn’t have a choice.

My kids want their parents together. They want this house, this city, this family.

God wants us together.

M wants us together.

I just can’t seem to get on the band wagon and want anything from a relationship with M. I look at our history and say besides the kids, he wasn’t that fun to be married to, but I loved him. Now my love for him is gone and I’m not a fan of my husband. I see him changing, I see him doing things I never thought he would, but doesn’t change my heart towards him. I still see him as a questionable person. Yes, we all are questionable however he proved what he can do, the lengths he will go to for attention and a quick fuck. I mean if he was getting something out of his affair that I could understand, money, a better lover, being saved from a terrible situation then I would say well that makes sense. But it doesn’t he chose trash over treasure (I’m not talking about his AP I’m talking about attention, quick fucks, excitement, danger, stress, lying). Everything about his affair screams wrong from the get-go, but he didn’t see that, I don’t know how he couldn’t but whatever.

I’m supposed to be looking towards the future right? Putting the past behind me?

I do love him, it’s just a different kind of love and I don’t like it, I’m not comfortable with it and I want the other type of love back in regards to being his wife.

But it won’t come back because everything is so different now. At least that’s how I see things.

Wish me the best in job hunting!

 

 

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12 thoughts on “Looking for jobs and my FIL

  1. You got it nailed: cheaters are not credible. They have to earn that back, maybe one day, maybe never, no guarantees, no timelines. Every mistake in the redemption attempt sets them back two steps. You get a lot of comments from cheaters here. It’s worth remembering what they did to someone like us. If nothing else, it’s surprising they never write about how your pain makes them feel dreadful for what they did to someone.

    As to the future, it will always be a different love, but it’s up to you if that’s better the alternative. Either choice is crappy thanks to the affair, but one is not necessarily as bad as the other.

    As I keep saying, these are early days. You don’t need to make the forever choice. I hedged 2 years, just staying because it bought me that option should I end up wanting it. And finally I did, so I’m glad I didn’t burn that bridge. But if I had decided to leave I think the waiting is still wise.

    Hang in there.

  2. Hi – I have been reading your blog since my D-Day as you and found out around the same time. Your timeline has been mine with the crying and the hurt and the immense, uncontrolable angry and last weekend I had an epiphany of sorts which I hope might help you. If I am going off the last 3 years or so of our marriage there is no way I should stay with my husband. he was mean, he took me for granted. I was miserable and then of course he sealed the deal with his affair. I have come to the conclusion that because we have kids together (one on the way – yup cheated on me while I was pregnant a real winner I know) I have to give him the opportunity to show me the relationship that I would be staying for. What is going to be in this for me to stay and you have X amount of time to show it to me. Everyday and then when you hit that day then decide if this relationship is what you want. Not saying you won’t have days where you pull the covers over your head and cry or throw all his shit in the front lawn and light it on fire but it might help stop the constant pendulum from swinging back and forth so severly. I read your blog everyday and am i always praying for you and your family to help you make the best decision for you.

    • I love that throw all his shit out on the lawn and light it on fire! I mean if our kids wouldn’t see it and the FD wouldn’t be called I so would do it!.. but you are right today has been a day of reckoning for me. I will blog about it later, but I have to say your words are wise. and yeah I don’t know why I think my husband is such a scum bag to have an affair behind my back while I was pregnant or had a newborn.

      But what does it do to bring up the past.. something I really need to identify lately..

  3. NH, you know how I feel about you. But some days all I can say is “sigh”. I feel for you and I feel for your kids. And yes, I even feel for M. it has been five months. 5 months to try to break first 27 months. I am not asking you to cut him a break, I am not asking you to give him more time. I’m only asking you to give yourself more time. BreAthe

  4. NH, do you remember the first time we talked on my blog? Here’s the link to that post. Read that if you like, remember our conversations and how I’ve consoled you over your husband’s sin as well as urged you to show Christian grace and forgiveness, and then judge for yourself how I, a cheater, feel about your situation. You may disagree with my counsel, but I hope I have shown myself to be a compassionate person towards you.

  5. When I read your posts every one of them has the same undertone. Forcing yourself to stay because it’s what people tell you is best or because you don’t wanna disappoint the kids. I’ve followed you since you started your blog so I wanna just lay it out there. M dealt you a blow unlike any other I’ve read, known or ever heard of. He betrayed you with your very best friend for a very long time. In your house, on your children’s beds. It’s fine to be encouraging to a friend when it’s needed but once in a while someone needs a realist in their life too. Because we’re on nearly the same time frame and have the same number of babies around the same ages, I’ve identified most with you. I think of you once in awhile throughout my days and wonder how your doing. Quite often when you write about his reactions to something or his actions, I get indignant for you. NH you have to put everyone else aside sometimes and do what’s best for you. Bob, Rizzo, kids, M, even Jesus. You’ll probably love him the rest of your life but sometimes love isn’t enough and that’s OK. The fastest way to a life full of bitterness is not being true to yourself and what’s in your heart. I personally know I couldn’t get over it stay with husband if the betrayal had been the same magnitude as yours. That’s me though and I digress. I read your posts and the comments and it’s all the same, encouragement to stick it out. I guess I just felt the need to kick the door of dissension open and say it’s okay to leave. You would do great (after awhile) and the kiddos would recover. I’m sure this is gonna be an unpopular comment but dammit…. Someone has to say the shitty things. Guess today it’s me. I’m sorry

    • To be fair Sissy neither Paula nor I have been saying NH should stay. Only that she should make a considered decision not an impulsive one. And that this is *very* early days. I know it doesn’t seem like it but it is. When 3,4,5 years have passed, it will feel different to how it feels now. Not necessarily better, but definitely different.

      I am proof positive that kicking out a cheat can be good for the kid in the long run. I’m grateful my mother kicked out my dad. He confirmed her prior and went on to be as ass for the next nearly 40 years. But there are also people who wish they had taken their time. We are in total agreement that NH needs to look out for herself for a change.

  6. The only reason I say stay for now is that even when you kick them out in the first twelve-twenty-four months, you are not in your right head. You miss them. You can’t really decide if you need them gone for good. It is all so mind-blowing. You just teeter-totter madly, I love him, I can’t stand being with him, I don’t know what the fuck I think, who the fuck is this monster I live with? It’s too confusing, and you tend to take them back. Because you are so wounded – and winded – you still haven’t learned to breathe again yet.
    You need time, perspective and a really great exit plan is you are to go it along. As time has gone on for me, I see that a lot of women – yes, even in 2014 – stay because of the economic comforts, it seems too hard, too scary to be solely responsible. I never knew people still felt this way in this day and age. But I do now, because I even felt it a bit. I have been in a “traditional” relationship for twenty-six years, mostly working with him for no salary – for love (hahahahaha) – and when I did get a paid job, it wasn’t terrifically financially rewarding, but I felt I was contributing. It is a big call, and you do need to make it when your emotions are not driving the bus everywhere. But when the betrayal has been long, and right under your nose, in your home, with your friend, you never “get over” that shit.

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