Separation is never easy with kids who love their Dad

I told them Dad is staying at Grandma and Grandpa’s again. The confused look on their faces.

I took them to scouts.

We had Wendy’s for dinner then headed up there.

He wasn’t there he went to Wal-Mart with his Dad.

The disappointed look on the kids faces was so sad and then I told them we would wait. The smiles appeared

We waited.

As we said good-bye Bell didn’t want to leave. That little blonde just wants us all together and doesn’t understand what the fuck is going on. She knows she wants her Dad home. She knows this isn’t right.

She was not listening to me and running around the drive way in flip flops at warp speed. She weighs all of 20lbs and the Kansas wind can take her far. I tell her to stop she’s going to fall. She refuses and then I knee down to her to stop her and said Bell I know your sad and I’m sorry this is happening and my sweet 4 yr old just wept in my arms.

I hold her and tell her everything will be okay. I love her, Dad loves her. And then M takes over and she just holds him tight while he walks her around.

As I sit Squish in the car to buckle her I see the boy’s eyes glistening. All 3 of my precious babies are heartbroken to leave him. Squish is just tired.

I swear all the blood just drains from my face to see my kids like this.

My MIL looks at me as if this is my fault. My kids would not be suffering if I could just get over this.

Ha. sometimes I can agree with the woman, but not now..

Because I just can’t.

I’ve been talking to Bob and he’s been talking to me about compassion. He said I could blog what he said so I’m not breaking any boundaries. I was asking him how he’s doing this? He replied with this

For me I asked myself ” is my decision to stay out of familiarity, cowardice, or anger. Or is it out of love, compassion, and faith in the person I am choosing to be with.”So far it’s love and compassion. I’m still sorting out the faith.

If I thought/think that I’m doing this out of my weakness then I believe I will live a very unhappy life.

I am still doing self evaluation and my thoughts could change but my resolve to be with someone that is mutually happy with me will not. Life is to short to live a lie like they did. More and more I think that I will base my decision totally on my given faith to her knowing that the consequences may not be favorable for me.

Bob is full of wisdom and I give him mad props for having this compassion thing I can’t seem to get a grip on. He talks about the wife he loved and woman now and how he has compassion for her.

I err on the side of compassion-less, my heart is hardened, and I’m okay with that for right now.

Because I don’t have compassion for M. I felt God convict me today as me and Frenchie are on the phone for all of 1hr 20min that I don’t know how to love. I mean I’m talking about deep love. I thought I knew, but I don’t. That’s why I’m able to hate and rage so badly, my love is conditional. To the point to say Motherfucker cross this line and you will regret it the rest of your life.

M now knows the breaking point of my conditional love. Sometimes I also forget where he’s at. I love big, I have big hair, I’m a gorgeously plump, size 13 shoe gal with a big personality. I love hard. M understands what kind of love he had and he can’t ever get it back. Not now at least.

Why? Because I see that I’m not on the fence I’m on the other side and M is on the outside. He tries to come over, under, around, through the wall and NH is all “FUCK YOU”!! I don’t know what its like to be there, but Frenchie says NH I don’t want to know what that’s like, that can’t be an easy place to be.

And I know it isn’t. I don’t know what it’s like to be M to tear down everything he every wanted a wife, his family. But I do see him almost break down in tears as his children group hug him and they squeeze him so tight. They wanted me to group hug too. I didn’t want to.

He did this. If he had been faithful, loyal, not a cheater, liar, manipulater he would be with his children now, under the roof he has provided for years.

But he isn’t and I’m glad he’s gone. Because I need to evaluate myself in this love and compassion category.

M and I are about as broken as they come.

We both do not know how to love.

And the ways we receive love is pretty fucked up now, before, and when we first met.

But to be clear I do love the man. He is not worthless, useless, and I am no better than he is.

I know if I say all those things than what is the problem.

A soft heart, one that has compassion for my husband, a woman that is passionate about her husband instead of him wanting to disappear.

I don’t have those things.

I can’t conjure up passion for my husband, and I’m not talking lust, or physical pleasure. I’m talking when they walk into the room and you are so thankful they are alive and you get another chance with them.

The kind of loyalty where if someone was going at him, I’d help him fight.

But I’m not there. I’m not sure I will ever be.

I know I need this time away from him.

I hate seeing the kids scared, nervous, and at the brink of tears leaving their father.

But I need to get better. I knew all that bullshit about letting go of the anger is nonesense, because the way I see it is if I’m angry there is a real good reason! I’m not just letting shit go. There is a reason I’m all up in arms.

I don’t know how to love. Love like Christ, to love with open arms..

I look forward to learning new things about love and compassion..

Neph you were right.. the forgiveness train is A LONG WAY OFF…

I look forward to going to couple therapy and the pumpkin patch with the family including M.

Here’s to another day and me owning it tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Separation is never easy with kids who love their Dad

  1. I’m sorry, it’s really rough. I know people will be telling you to read all kinds of stuff. The best thing I can recommend is “How can I forgive you?” by Janis Spring. I don’t think forgiveness is something you can rush, or that you’re obliged to do, or is even necessary for reconciliation. But I think acceptance is something we all need to get to. Just my take. I find the forgiveness literature too loaded with religion and obligations on the person who shouldn’t be obliged to do a damned thing here. But that’s not to say one should hold the grudge forever or not move on. That’s the false dichotomy cheaters paint: forgive me or you’re a bad person. It ain’t so. Really hope Janis Spring helps. Like I’ve said before, talk and make a considered decision, don’t do something permanently harmful because you’re temporarily upset. And by temporarily I mean less than 20 years 🙂 Hang in there.

  2. I am so sad for you and your incredible, intolerable pain. You do what you need to do to heal from this, because honestly, those babies need you to be whole more than they need to have parents together under one roof. Maybe you will have compassion and forgiveness someday, maybe not. In my book, the most important thing parents can do is to take care of their physical, emotional, and mental health first, because our kids need us to be the strong, loving adults they know and depend upon. Adjusting to the geographic distance between mom and dad is a challenge for all of you, but taking care of YOU is just as important as all you do for your children. I read your blog and I wish you peace, NH. Together, separate, some variation thereof with your M … I wish you peace and less hate in your life.

  3. i saw someone ask on a forum the other day ‘what is the anger doing for you?’ I think figuring that out is paramount to working through the anger. Anger is almost always a secondary emotion. Something we feel on top of some other emotion. For me, it is usually fear. I get angry when I’m afraid and it is absolutely out of self-preservation. Why are you angry? And what purpose is that anger serving? When you figure those things oh, then you can begin to figure out your next actions.
    Also, I was watching videos to find a back-up for our MOPS meeting speakers this week (firemen coming to talk about fire safety, gotta have something in case they get a call). One clip I watched was a couple where the husband had an affair with the wife’s best friend. They both talked briefly about their journey. The wife said ‘I realized I had a forgiveness issue long before the affair’. They wrote a book I haven’t read. It’s called ‘Beyond Ordinary’. I’m gonna go grab it this week I think.

  4. I have always said I don’t think saying “I forgive you,” is a necessary step in moving on in your marriage! I agree with Nephia though that you absolutely have to come to a place of acceptance! I know I will never be able to say I forgive my husband for what he did, how can you forgive the ultimate betrayal, but that hasn’t stopped me from working to keep my marriage together for the last 2 years! I think you are focusing too much on the forgiveness issue right now, there’s too much hurt, it’s still early on for you, you can still show compassion without forgiveness, but that’s just my take! My heart goes out to you & your sweet babies! Take care, JOAN

  5. Yes sweet girl, you may not realize it now, but you are showing compassion by having him in the house & trying everyday to get through this! Hang in there, I can tell you’re a fighter & a mama bear for your kiddies! XO JOAN

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