I told them Dad is staying at Grandma and Grandpa’s again. The confused look on their faces.
I took them to scouts.
We had Wendy’s for dinner then headed up there.
He wasn’t there he went to Wal-Mart with his Dad.
The disappointed look on the kids faces was so sad and then I told them we would wait. The smiles appeared
As we said good-bye Bell didn’t want to leave. That little blonde just wants us all together and doesn’t understand what the fuck is going on. She knows she wants her Dad home. She knows this isn’t right.
She was not listening to me and running around the drive way in flip flops at warp speed. She weighs all of 20lbs and the Kansas wind can take her far. I tell her to stop she’s going to fall. She refuses and then I knee down to her to stop her and said Bell I know your sad and I’m sorry this is happening and my sweet 4 yr old just wept in my arms.
I hold her and tell her everything will be okay. I love her, Dad loves her. And then M takes over and she just holds him tight while he walks her around.
As I sit Squish in the car to buckle her I see the boy’s eyes glistening. All 3 of my precious babies are heartbroken to leave him. Squish is just tired.
I swear all the blood just drains from my face to see my kids like this.
My MIL looks at me as if this is my fault. My kids would not be suffering if I could just get over this.
Ha. sometimes I can agree with the woman, but not now..
Because I just can’t.
I’ve been talking to Bob and he’s been talking to me about compassion. He said I could blog what he said so I’m not breaking any boundaries. I was asking him how he’s doing this? He replied with this
For me I asked myself ” is my decision to stay out of familiarity, cowardice, or anger. Or is it out of love, compassion, and faith in the person I am choosing to be with.”So far it’s love and compassion. I’m still sorting out the faith.
If I thought/think that I’m doing this out of my weakness then I believe I will live a very unhappy life.
I am still doing self evaluation and my thoughts could change but my resolve to be with someone that is mutually happy with me will not. Life is to short to live a lie like they did. More and more I think that I will base my decision totally on my given faith to her knowing that the consequences may not be favorable for me.
Bob is full of wisdom and I give him mad props for having this compassion thing I can’t seem to get a grip on. He talks about the wife he loved and woman now and how he has compassion for her.
I err on the side of compassion-less, my heart is hardened, and I’m okay with that for right now.
Because I don’t have compassion for M. I felt God convict me today as me and Frenchie are on the phone for all of 1hr 20min that I don’t know how to love. I mean I’m talking about deep love. I thought I knew, but I don’t. That’s why I’m able to hate and rage so badly, my love is conditional. To the point to say Motherfucker cross this line and you will regret it the rest of your life.
M now knows the breaking point of my conditional love. Sometimes I also forget where he’s at. I love big, I have big hair, I’m a gorgeously plump, size 13 shoe gal with a big personality. I love hard. M understands what kind of love he had and he can’t ever get it back. Not now at least.
Why? Because I see that I’m not on the fence I’m on the other side and M is on the outside. He tries to come over, under, around, through the wall and NH is all “FUCK YOU”!! I don’t know what its like to be there, but Frenchie says NH I don’t want to know what that’s like, that can’t be an easy place to be.
And I know it isn’t. I don’t know what it’s like to be M to tear down everything he every wanted a wife, his family. But I do see him almost break down in tears as his children group hug him and they squeeze him so tight. They wanted me to group hug too. I didn’t want to.
He did this. If he had been faithful, loyal, not a cheater, liar, manipulater he would be with his children now, under the roof he has provided for years.
But he isn’t and I’m glad he’s gone. Because I need to evaluate myself in this love and compassion category.
M and I are about as broken as they come.
We both do not know how to love.
And the ways we receive love is pretty fucked up now, before, and when we first met.
But to be clear I do love the man. He is not worthless, useless, and I am no better than he is.
I know if I say all those things than what is the problem.
A soft heart, one that has compassion for my husband, a woman that is passionate about her husband instead of him wanting to disappear.
I don’t have those things.
I can’t conjure up passion for my husband, and I’m not talking lust, or physical pleasure. I’m talking when they walk into the room and you are so thankful they are alive and you get another chance with them.
The kind of loyalty where if someone was going at him, I’d help him fight.
But I’m not there. I’m not sure I will ever be.
I know I need this time away from him.
I hate seeing the kids scared, nervous, and at the brink of tears leaving their father.
But I need to get better. I knew all that bullshit about letting go of the anger is nonesense, because the way I see it is if I’m angry there is a real good reason! I’m not just letting shit go. There is a reason I’m all up in arms.
I don’t know how to love. Love like Christ, to love with open arms..
I look forward to learning new things about love and compassion..
Neph you were right.. the forgiveness train is A LONG WAY OFF…
I look forward to going to couple therapy and the pumpkin patch with the family including M.
Here’s to another day and me owning it tomorrow.