Conflict, Peace, and Pieces

Atua is God in Samoan

Fa’afetai means Thank-you..

I verse Samoan in my head and get my mind off of anything stupid that I don’t need to be thinking.

M is a faithful reader now. I asked him why? He said because he’s a stalker now and wants to know what’s going on with his wife. Fair.. guess he wasn’t interested before? Weird

But another thought that I just need to throw in the trash!

Another thought would be when my beautiful small group of lovely young ladies we go to clean a family’s home that the wife fell ill with a terrible disease. The experience was fun and sharing life with my girls is amazing. However afterwards the A almost got m. I almost went to the place of gee.. what an awesome husband to stand by his wife as she is trying to fight for her life.

I looked at her lying on her couch, we prayed for her, she seemed catatonic.. her face was bloated and her husband was trying to keep the house up. He was doing a great job too we did baseboards, scrubbing, dusting.

I thought of my infusions. I thought of going to the Cancer Center or Wichita numerous times with M our children as they try and find out what the hell is wrong with me and my blood.

And I stopped myself I started trying to memorize the words in Samoan. It gets me out of the pit. Practicing Samoan helps me not take the anger and thoughts to another level.

I can trash what a sick person my husband was and attempt to start over. well kind of.

Start attempting to get me better, not the tell myself I’ll be fine 1,000 times and it never gets better, but read books, stick with my budget, eat well, rest well, smile more, be thankful I have so much life left, or if I died tomorrow could I be at peace, or if M died tomorrow could I be at peace.

The war within me has been so strong.

Now as I’m letting go of the nonsense in my life. I almost can see it for what it is instead of my heart-breaking over and over again.

I had another email-sation with Bob and I could have gone back there with M. Asked questions I will never get the answer to and just be mad. But instead I answered Bob the best I knew how in recovery rather than remembering or questioning what happened between M and his wife.

I was proud of myself. I hope not too proud that I’m capable.

Not to berate M, or hate M, just capable to let him be. To let me be. For so long some have been telling me to do that and I didn’t understand. When you are as passionate a person as I am just letting things be means silence and letting things go..

Passion, fury, love, sex, whirlwind, anger, fight.. these are a few of my favorite emotions and to calm them down seemed to me to quell all that I am. To say NH you need to change because of this, and in doing so, proves I wasn’t good enough, I’m not good enough..

All bullshit.. not at the time I thought it though.. because I needed that void to help me figure out that I’m not being any less than myself by calming the fuck down.

The yelling book has been a great tool.

Also looking at who I am in conflict with. I am in conflict with M. Why? I still have yet to figure or identify it without flipping the fuck out.

To look at our personalities (M and I) and see myself for what I’m doing. Stressed, Anger, Tension, how to stop it. How to sense it, how to quell it, how to grow from it.

I wonder if I will grow beyond this relationship.

Somedays I hope I will.

I hope I win the lottery, or become independently wealthy and am able to live close to M and keep our kids on the same property and marry a guy who is repulsed by cheating, lying, and scheming. That he understands that it’s fine I get the want for other women but that means letting me go. I don’t want you, if you can’t appreciate what I’ve given, my love, or my children.

But that seems years from now. Right now I’m just trying to get through the day and learn Samoan 🙂

Beginning Bible Bowl is doing great. My small group is going well. And I’m glad I stayed here. I am learning to love and bless. Touch not only others hearts, but my own children’s. They’ve noticed me not yelling and they are HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY 🙂

So am I.

Well to a point. I ask M how he’s doing and he looks so sad, beat up. I mean somedays.. I ask him what’s wrong that always gets him I need to ask him a different question that means the same. He looks at me as if I’ve asked him the stupidest question in the world He tells me he’s sad. So I ask him well what’s the saddest part of our relationship? He had to get back to me he didn’t know.

It blows my mind how a man who compartmentalized all this nonsense has a hard time compartmentalizing our relationship. I mean it’s a big fucking mess and we have to start with one piece. What is that piece I’m not sure. But I’m keeping my distance. I know that’s my part of the piece

To not mention the affair (because we already know the damage it has done our fucked up relationship doesn’t need more fuel to the fire anymore, or any more reason to know why it’s so screwy)

To live peacefully with M, control my anger, paint, pray, love.

Love bigger, stronger, harder.. than I ever had before.

For my life, for my family, for others, for Christ.

Those are my pieces..

 

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