M has expectations I have decided I don’t.
But as I told him that I think that I do in a way.
I expect him not to be a lying, cheating, asshole of a person.
Which is the reason I took this blow so hard.
I believed my husband wasn’t that guy, and if he decided to fuck another broad he would let me know and I would kindly bow out.
I’m not one to stand in front of another’s dreams.
But alas here I am.
So with that I will tell you I am doing somewhat well.
I wanted to go see the Jason Bateman film of This is Where I leave you last minute decision I asked if M wanted to go. He did. I thought it was a comedy.
It started off with his wife fucking his boss for a year.
Another blow was when some chic in the movie blamed him saying how could you not know your spouse was sleeping with someone else for a year..
Fuck that chick
Anyways the movie didn’t send me over the edge.
What did was remembering where I should be sans D-day. Right now I would have been relaxing after my best-bud since jr. high school rehearsal dinner. I was supposed to be in her wedding. I was supposed to be in love with my husband. I was supposed to be in Seattle.
I couldn’t be in the wedding. She hoped I would come anyway. If I did I would drive from KS to WA and I probably would never come back here. I’m not going to make it. And I’m trying hard to accept it.
Like in my book “Is that me Yelling?” it says on page 101 “Important part of becoming aware of yourself including your pain. You don’t exaggerate or dismiss your suffering. You contine ot accept what is true without getting swept away by emotions”.
I really did love M and sometimes it hurts knowing what people automatically assume when I tell them or they ask me did he cheat on you.
Because I loved him so much I don’t give a fuck what anyone or M thinks. I did I worked hard to be married to M and he just pissed it all away.
I am trying to let that go.
Let go of the pain that I loved him so.
Because he really isn’t anything else to me besides my husband, children’s father.
I am working on my view of him not being the worst man in my life, or the love of my life.
He just is here to me.
I try not to make him a focus, because I need to be. What am I thinking and where is it getting me.
Well that’s it for now.
Getting plans ready for a Jockey party I am throwing on Sat. morning.. Hosting isn’t easy for me. Sometimes I get too caught up in the details rather than hospitality. 😦