I read this article on a blog titled “Great Betrayals”
I needed to talk with M immediately afterwards.
I wanted him to understand.. I thought this article does so much justice it’s what I’ve been trying to scream and shout!!
No I don’t think M understands what he’s done to me since he has so much gumption to want to make new this, new that, we can be better nonsense.
As I was talking with him I noticed my chest burning.
I noticed my forehead clenching.
He says once again reading these blogs keep you in the past. I don’t know how I will ever know he understands what he’s done to me. Besides infidelity, my world has been shaken for what? Trysts on a highway and in another man’s bed? I didn’t get a choice in how to live my life? He took so much away from me. Why? What kind of person does that to another? How does one fall so far and not care about anyone else?
M says. “I didn’t think”
And by took so much away, I don’t mean I would have made different choices but that I didn’t have to second guess what the fuck I was doing during his lies. Because without a doubt I was happy and pursuing him. I don’t have to remember good things about my husband and have to change them around. I asked for his forgiveness for wanting to leave the first time. I was unloyal yeah me because I was going to drop him due to the drunken incident. I got to say all those wonderful things to him due to humbling myself. Due to seeing how to love him.
He doesn’t remember any of that, or if he does it’s a slight.. uhh.. kind of..
NH then says “I don’t think it’s a good idea to talk to you anymore tonight”
And M’s I’m sorry, I’m changed, just doesn’t give me any comfort.
Call me the bitch of unforgiveness, but sorry just doesn’t cut it. It doesn’t seem right to lie for years and think reconciliation is an option, ever. And I get really self-righteous when I’m like this.
Because my husband was a good guy. What the fuck happened to him? Lust, sex, stroked egos, because really if he wanted another woman he could have done way better. Found one with a job, a career, going places a strong woman.
Nope he settled for her and vice versa.
I’m telling you if I ever decided to have an affair with someone I’ll be upgrading for sure.
Not downgrading which is what they both did.
And then I have to live and love this person??
Yes, today was awesome.. I haven’t been that happy in A LONG time, but now it’s gone. But it won’t be forever because I won’t let it. I looked on my Pinterest (secretboard) and in my Hope board I have two things that helped keep my chin up, but still cry. If you click on the photos it takes you to the articles.
Good articles if you have time to read them. Going to make a late night Wal-mart run and buy me some flowers and a pretty smelling candle.
I’m learning to be compassionate to myself, maybe one day I’ll even do it without spending money..
But I do question my life with M? I do just want to be happy and I was with M even when he was lying, because I believed he would come around the only person I could change was myself. So now when we are happy together, I question everything completely. I start to get nervous and I try not to go down the damn rabbit-hole.
Now M has changed and my life? Good grief M is so pleasing, so patient and I kind of wait to see if he just bursts.
He’s like that. He has always been one of those implode explode type of people.
And here I am collateral damage, but trying to re-build my broken memory, broken past, broken treasures and work with the blessings I have been given.
Well back to the grind everyone.
Here’s to another day.