M said “I can see the life drain from your face”

I read this article on a blog titled “Great Betrayals

I needed to talk with M immediately afterwards.

I wanted him to understand.. I thought this article does so much justice it’s what I’ve been trying to scream and shout!!

No I don’t think M understands what he’s done to me since he has so much gumption to want to make new this, new that, we can be better nonsense.

As I was talking with him I noticed my chest burning.

I noticed my forehead clenching.

He says once again reading these blogs keep you in the past. I don’t know how I will ever know he understands what he’s done to me. Besides  infidelity, my world has been shaken for what? Trysts on a highway and in another man’s bed? I didn’t get a choice in how to live my life? He took so much away from me. Why? What kind of person does that to another? How does one fall so far and not care about anyone else?

M says. “I didn’t think”

And by took so much away, I don’t mean I would have made different choices but that I didn’t have to second guess what the fuck I was doing during his lies. Because without a doubt I was happy and pursuing him. I don’t have to remember good things about my husband and have to change them around. I asked for his forgiveness for wanting to leave the first time. I was unloyal yeah me because I was going to drop him due to the drunken incident. I got to say all those wonderful things to him due to humbling myself. Due to seeing how to love him.

He doesn’t remember any of that, or if he does it’s a slight.. uhh.. kind of..

NH then says “I don’t think it’s a good idea to talk to you anymore tonight”

And M’s I’m sorry, I’m changed, just doesn’t give me any comfort.

Call me the bitch of unforgiveness, but sorry just doesn’t cut it. It doesn’t seem right to lie for years and think reconciliation is an option, ever. And I get really self-righteous when I’m like this.

Because my husband was a good guy. What the fuck happened to him? Lust, sex, stroked egos, because really if he wanted another woman he could have done way better. Found one with a job, a career, going places a strong woman.

Nope he settled for her and vice versa.

I’m telling you if I ever decided to have an affair with someone I’ll be upgrading for sure.

Not downgrading which is what they both did.

And then I have to live and love this person??

Yes, today was awesome.. I haven’t been that happy in A LONG time, but now it’s gone. But it won’t be forever because I won’t let it. I looked on my Pinterest (secretboard) and in my Hope board I have two things that helped keep my chin up, but still cry. If you click on the photos it takes you to the articles.

Good articles if you have time to read them. Going to make a late night Wal-mart run and buy me some flowers and a pretty smelling candle.

I’m learning to be compassionate to myself, maybe one day I’ll even do it without spending money..

But I do question my life with M? I do just want to be happy and I was with M even when he was lying, because I believed he would come around the only person I could change was myself. So now when we are happy together, I question everything completely. I start to get nervous and I try not to go down the damn rabbit-hole.

Now M has changed and my life? Good grief M is so pleasing, so patient and I kind of wait to see if  he just bursts.

He’s  like that. He has always been one of those implode explode type of people.

And here I am collateral damage, but trying to re-build my broken memory, broken past, broken treasures and work with the blessings I have been given.

Well back to the grind everyone.

Here’s to another day.


8 thoughts on “M said “I can see the life drain from your face”

  1. Did you have a look at “how can I forgive you?” Or even the reviews on amazon? It’s good. Maybe he should read it too.

    M doesn’t get it. This is the biggest thing in your life and in his marriage to you. This isn’t just “the past”. Typical compartmentalising of a cheat. He needs to fix that.

    Maybe he can imagine going to war? Does he think soldiers just come home and go “oh well that’s the past”? Family members of mine who were in WW2 were still teary about it 50 years later. Get with it M.

  2. NH, even though my cheater was incredibly patient, loving and terribly sorry after Dday, and I knida thought he “got it” – he”d been cheated on by his AP when they were in their early and mid 20s – it was at the two year mark that I SAW and really FELT he truly did understand the effects, the permanence and that telling me I kept myself stuck in the past by reading, etc. He got it as fully as you can without being me. What did that? The best MC we saw. He was a little abrasive almost. Rog didn’t really like him. He was a proponent of the Crucible Approach or more commonly known as Passionate Marriage (Dr Schnarch’s work.) Nic made Rog look deep inside. A whole heap of stuff about how he had been formed finally clicked for him. It was quite something to witness. I mean it wasn’t like he denied my pain or was arrogant. He’d always been such a kind man ( I loved his lovely soft kind sparkly eyes) but he got it. He got what made it so easy for him to jump off a cliff rather than turn around and face me, talk to me, when the going got tough. It was like seeing a flower open up. Quite incredible. And as I say, he wasn’t awful before this. It can take so much longer than you think you can bear.

    • I don’t think my husband “gets it” yet. He had compared his “getting over it” to what I’m still in. Frankly, I am just so pissed off with myself for not really being present during his healing and helping him. I was just so thankful he wanted me back then and wanted our marriage. I did everything I could to be the good wife again, yet, I didn’t really understand his pain and grief. I wish I did then. I really do because I would probably not be in this current situation.

      Nephila, I’m going to look up PISD. Thank you for that.
      Paula, I’m going to check out the Crucible/Passionate Marriage approach, too.

      NH: sometimes people need an association for them to understand what the other person is feeling or trying to communicate. So, if M is a veteran, why not associate his coming home and dealing with his experiences to what you are and he may actually see and understand what is happening with both of you now.

      • But that’s the thing tempted, you don’t actually have a clue how bad this is until you are living it. It’s odd, huh? I mean, we all see cheating and think, “whoah, that’s gotta hurt like a MOFO!” I thought I knew how bad it would feel, I’d seen enough of it around me – bore witness to my mother’s pain, my SIL’s pain, my friend’s pain. But nothing prepared me for how much this hurts. I can see that if your H was pretty lovely about your cheating, you wouldn’t ever understand what recovery really would feel like. Noone’s fault, just life being what it is. I thought Rog would understand the pain and avoid it, because he had been cheated on. But the situation was very different. They were young, living in different parts of the country from each other, no commitment really, and he tells me he was a bit of a shit to her, so didn’t blame her for looking elsewhere. Well, I was 21 years in, three kids, huge mortgage (two farms, one 1200 acre one bought on 100% bridging finance) and I wasn’t a shit. I gave and gave and gave – he often references that. That I was “too good, too trusting, too caring,” etc for my own good. It does make him feel like an utter shit for what he repaid my “goodness” with.

        It is just ten years since one of Roger’s best mates topped himself. His wife had left him. He suspected an affair. They had been undergoing fertility treatment, she was younger than him, and he already had fathered a child thirteen years earlier, the problem was hers, and I know it totally burned her up (she was one of eleven Irish Catholic children.) We heard his pain, but didn’t realise what was going on until he killed himself six months after she walked out. We kicked ourselves about not fully reading where he was at. I thought that would have stood Rog in good stead for realising how much cheating hurts. I often think of our dear mate, N. He was such an awesome guy, super intelligent, bloody hilarious, and deeply sensitive – but of course, a man, so you can’t let that show too much, huh? I also know that when I attempted suicide, I could finally totally understand why he got to that point. I think N and I are a lot alike, he knew he was never going to heal, so he ended the misery. We miss him. But he couldn’t stand the agony anymore.

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