The cold

Therapy today went well. I think he’s trying to not get me to say so many expletives during our session however due to M’s hidden vapor thing I think he granted me some extra patience.

Or call M names, or give such vague, generalizations about how I feel about M.

I do feel a cold coming on my heart. I’m tired, and I just want this chapter in my life to be over.

I have erased her as if she never even existed in my life well good times at least.

She is identified as awful, and I practice erasing her memory.

I do it with M too. During the delivery of Squish. Welcoming him home after Men’s Encounter, bringing all the kids to support him running the Gauntlet, when we went on our weekend away to a pretty awesome place.

Yeah I can let go of someone like that. It’s a trait my mother gave me. Okay maybe it hasn’t been like that but I am weary you guys.

I talk to the therapist about how I view M, and that we are the same people just with more problems. And it is so easy for me to go there and say he caused more problems as if we had none.

I was happy yesterday just me and our kids. I was looking forward to not dealing with M all week actually and now that he’s back.. well

He called me today to see how I was doing and I go everywhere, I take him with me. Respectfully and without name calling.

The cold is coming in and I don’t think I want to weather the storm with M.

Because I don’t feel this relationship is worth it.

I don’t find him to be worth it.

My therapist says I need to look at this process as building M up rather than M taking me down. Because I see that is what he does takes everyone down with his stupidness and I will not have our children suffer with hidden lies and secrecy, and let’s not forget betrayal.

I wonder what that says of me. Changing is so hard, I have to talk to M a certain way rather than how I am normally because of this nonsense he dropped on me.

I want to be safe. I want to feel safe. I feel safe when it’s just me and the kids.

But it’s all on my terms those conditions I don’t know how safe I will feel if M and I truly part.

I believe I can become a better person without him rather than with him.

So why am I doing this?

I guess like M said rather than make rash decisions give our family a good fighting chance.

Maybe I’m just tired.

I just want to wake up and have this behind me.

I started watching videos on how to make apps. I look forward to learning a new skill and kicking ass like I normally do.

I miss being so confident in how my life was going. I knew without a doubt if everything was gone I would still have the love of my husband and even if he died I still found the love of my life.

I know he isn’t the love of my life and remembering his love for me  does not get me through anything or take the sting out of life. Doesn’t get me through the day like it used to, doesn’t bring a smile to my face.

If anything sometimes I look at him and my whole presence panics to say what the fuck do you do now? and I question my own ability to love and find love since I fell for, married, and knew him for 14 years..

I have spent 14 birthdays with this guy and I’ve got nothing to show for it in my marriage. We have our kids, but that is not some consolation prize for having a crummy marriage. For wasting your life with someone who is a betrayer, who has the ability to betray, to not care about you.

I wonder no matter how much I heal will I always see him that way. I think I will. Someone I cannot trust. Someone who is so easily fooled by his own excuses and wants.

I feel I am in serious need of a buddy fuck. I suppose it’s the way God meant it to be since all of my would be go-tos are married now.

The cold.. the cold.. the cold..



5 thoughts on “The cold

  1. You know, I don’t know much about the Bible, but I hear even God doesn’t argue with adultery being a dealbreaker. You know M best, but from what you write I really get the impression that he’s just treading water, just waiting you out, just keeping his head down until you get over it. Unless he is willing to take a real good hard look in the mirror and see the ugly CLEARLY, it isn’t going to work.
    A gross (in all senses of the word) betrayal like this will NEVER heal unless the person who perpetrated it is willing to go balls-to-the-wall to fix it and TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. Hear that, M? TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.

      • I agree with Mary. And responsibility? You know it when you see it. It is possible. M needs to step up. I think that you are not like me in the sense that if he threw himself I to it now you would not think it was all too late. Whereas I think Paul got in just under the wire and went very, very close to being too late. But responsibility and remorse, well they are real. And while there is no magic wand, they do help.

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