The Best of Me

Have you seen the trailors.. Oh goodness this would have been my movie. I would have identified and would have loved to seen a movie like this one.

Sure they are corny, cheesy, and too lovey dovey..

But I loved M that way.

It didn’t make any sense for someone like me to love him.

He’s quiet, doesn’t care for people much, he is in his own world.

I felt like the lucky girl to be included.

I am not lucky. I never was.

I created the illusion that M loved me.

He rarely said “I love you”, talked with me.

He laughed with me because I am funny, he would say I’m not funny. He would ignore me and treat me as an inconvenience.

What I said was never important enough to visit with me after dinner, on the couch, wherever I would like.

Please don’t mistake my negatives with M to be down and out. These are my facts.

He does get offended when they are presented that way.

But he cannot argue with them. He will say I never did that, then I will say when did you want to talk with me? When did you treat me more than just what you wanted me to be?

He will freeze up and either change the subject or say I’m over-reaching.

I really want to see the Best of Me, but I know it will make me sad.

Maybe I will see if by myself and cry.

I hope happy tears because I know there are couples who are not perfect in any sense but have loyalty in their marriage, who can communicate to each other and smile, rather than retreat to separate corners.

Am I such a classified sucker? I do want a love like that, a loyal pleasant love where I am appreciated for all I am and say (even if I’m wrong be like NH you have your super bad days and I can’t stand you right now, but we can work this through) and have a man who will be the boss and my friend. Who is honest, loyal, and kind not only to me, but himself.

I know it’s hard for M to be kind to himself. I refuse to take blame for that or even feel responsible.  I will not be tied to his self-worth, I cannot be, nor can I help him. He is beyond any help that I an offer him. I don’t have the tools, I don’t have the skills to be his helper right now.

Maybe I may just go see the Best of Me afterall maybe not I just saw the trailor and it made me cry. It’s day two of not being nostalgic about M, but when I saw that girl run up to him and smile. I remember the feeling of being so enamored with M. How I waited to see him, how I thought I couldn’t possibly love him anymore, and I don’t have that anymore, I’m without a partner. I’m the girl who has no one to dance with because my partner up and left with someone else. Oh well maybe it’s time for Billy Idol “Dancing with myself”. 

 

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