A little bit of crazy, some strength renewing my past, and why I have stayed with a so-called-reformed liar/ cheater for 6 months

Yeah I called Rizzo.

I wasn’t having the best day. M knew the probability of him not being in my best graces after I haven’t seen him in awhile or talked with him face to face.

I do I like to avoid M. I think I don’t but I do.

Life is easier that way just putting him on a one way train to Mars in my mind..

BUT.. uh.. uh.. uh.. tsk.. tsk.. tsk.. that is an option that isn’t an option..

So I called Rizzo

She calls my idea dumb and tells me to take my thoughts captive.. For the love of GOD I’m so thankful she took a different route and said here’s the deal.

Your idea is dumb why don’t we think about what you are going to make for dinner and lunch tomorrow so when the boys get home that’s taken care of.

And get tomorrow set up nice so all of you can have a nice relaxing evening at home.

I think I may stay up all night and do something for the boy and M, get the table cleared off for play-dough and painting tomorrow after church so no electronics.

And get everything to where I don’t have to communicate with M.

He will be tired. I will be tired.

I like that idea I will have a nice clean house. Lunch and dinner set up. Activities ready for my girls and Squishy bear I’ll make her some edible play dough šŸ™‚

I painted nails tonight and watched laughed and danced with my girls..

I am thankful the boy has a Dad who is able and willing to do these things with him.

Our boy loves and thinks the world of his father.. The boy does question the security of our family and knows Dad is a huge source of that.

But I’m glad he still sees his Dad as someone to look up to and respect. Our girls can’t seem to get enough of M as well.

I suppose 4 out of 6 people adore him in this house so the odds are all stacked against me.

Books came over this morning and made my morning so much easier to start my day with a semi-clean house.

She even brought donuts.

I told her what I feel God is calling me to do is manage the women’s ministry at our church. Right now there isn’t any.

I think God is out of his mind once again, but I’m letting the idea simmer.

I wonder if that’s just my voice trying to distract me.

I gave what I think is great counsel to one of our pals in this blogosphere.

When the devil cannot bring destruction he will settle for distraction.

While I want to concentrate and distract myself with M, love, my sucky relationship in this marriage, I cannot..

A blogger whom I’ve never seen before commented on her finding strength as well looking to her past prior to her husband and looked forward to me sharing about things that are making me stronger.

I look back on my life and I love myself. I have more compassion for myself than I ever did before. Because M and S treated me like trash, something so easily tossed around for their own pleasure. I treated myself probably even worse. We are our own worst critic and I have to say I am of the many who did not value myself all that much until this happened. I was working a slow and steady pace to there, but I got a crash course in my worth after this has happened.

Anyways to talk about my strength in looking back who I was I see what others were talking about now. My perseverance, my strength, my attitude and how others gravitate to me, or how I find myself with others.

But even with M he isn’t a part of any happy memory with me anymore. He’s just the background. For example I told him I didn’t erase him but this is how I view things now. I can look at when I married him. I used to think happy thoughts and smile because I felt like wow I cannot believe we took the plunge and did what we did. And look at us how in love we are.

Instead of going all rage and say what a load of shit that was.

I say you wanted to marry him. You were strong and made a strong decision to go ahead and marry a man you loved. Yes, we did not pick well, but that’s okay. We own that happy moment as my own that I chose to marry him, love him, and be happy with him.

He didn’t control or choose that I did. To be honest I truly would like to have married someone else now knowing what kind of person he can allow himself to be. But I can’t. I have to own that M is my husband, because I chose that. All the memories I used to have of us with nostalgia I don’t do that anymore. I only see me and what I got, how I chose that moment.

Our son’s birth. My firstborn, how I survived, how I didn’t need him there. It was nice, but I would have gotten by with or without him. I chose to have a baby. I remember holding him how I wanted to give him the world. M isn’t even in the memory anymore and I prefer it that way. Because I see the love I have for myself in any moment and what I was choosing.

This is a failed emotional and romantic relationship because he chose to kill what we had. And while I still grieve that there is strength there. I can still smile and say I have had a good life and it will continue to be good as long as I stay the course to pursue God, and be a faithful woman of God. M has nothing to do with my life being good anymore. Yes, I know even when I do daydream about screwing another man, or dating, or just being in the presence of another man who is interested in me and I trust him. I know it’s sinning just to be clear.

Right now we are in this house together to heal, to learn to communicate better for this family. Because in a perfect NH world there would be NC with M even with the kids. But that isn’t a perfect world for anyone else.

I will be stuck with M until I die because we have like a million kids together and we both think we are important for them. So to answer another bloggers question as to why? Why would you stay with a cheater, liar, someone who took your heart, betrayed your family, put our children in the pathway of misery?

If you have raised your children to love their parent and that said parent fostered love and time in the child that love doesn’t go away. The family unit does not just automatically disappear once a cheater is caught. Good grief that would have saved me a alot of time with M afterwards if it did. If children got the black out stick from Men In Black movie and forgot their Dad, forgot their home.

But they never will. I can. I could leave M and never look back. I’m that type, but I would have to leave my kids behind in order to do so. Because controlling what is never mine to control only brings more destruction.

Controlling the kid’s lives to where their father is never apart of it, I think will never end well for me or my kids. I trust M not to harm our children any further and some may even argue he never abused them, or was hurtful to them. I would disagree, but whatever. I also know our children want him in their lives as much as possible.

So making M a weekend Dad so rashly even if he did maintain a sick relationship for 2+ years after only 6 months of disclosure is a rash decision and so many here have supported that stance.

I still have my moments though where I daydream about packing up the kids and leaving this place.

That’s usually when I call someone.

But don’t get me wrong. I still think I am setting a poor example by staying with M. I do. I mean that is the consequence that is why people don’t cheat because no one honest will want to be with them afterwards. Even their spouse’s don’t want to be with them and they signed a contract saying they will better or worse. So cheating serves no one positively. I think it’s the justice way things are done. Besides the part where I showed M grace and mercy by staying with him. I also show that hey fuck around on your spouse and you will still be with them, or attempt to make something work out of it. Which is not what I want to stand for at all, or show my children.

Well that’s my two


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