I hope the reward is coming..

My chest hurts from the stress of doing a semi-nice thing for M. I will blog about it later after he gets home.

But it was hard.

I just wanted peace when he gets home and I’m pretty sure I won’t want to deal with him, and he with me. When you go on weekend retreats, tournaments with children it’s a guaranteed not the most relaxing thing in the world.

So there’s that for what it’s worth.

It was hard. I had to remember any memory of him and I is history. There are no good moments of “US” because it is all a big fraud. My marriage a delusion of my own creation. I loved him in a way I know I could never love again. Why?

Because I’m so different now. I’m not capable of that kind of love anymore where I thought I could love him more and more everyday. Where I was proud of our history and us.

I had to remind myself do not think of him. I’d come across something and think “Fraud” how could he live with himself being such a fraud people thought at church we were a great couple, our families thought we had a wonderful love together and family. But he was a fraud and the fact he was okay being that makes me ill.

but I’m thankful I only feel ill for a short period because I remind myself that what is he to me?

I do not need to care what he acts like or who he wants to be.

I have no jurisdiction in that area anymore. Because my life, his life, and hopefully we meet in the middle sometime.

Anyways I’m thankful I am able to do this and be okay.

Not suicidal, not all hater-on-M mode..

Now time to make potato soup in the crock-pot if I have enough chicken broth


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