Yeah I did. I didn’t know that so many people are on there. Anyways tons of guys replied. One it was fun seeing who all of these people were and who were happy to give me photos of themselves. But it was also sad so many lonely men out there.
I stated I was a cheated on spouse looking for a connection. And then the floodgates came a running. I stated I was in no way going to be a OW so that wasn’t happening.
A BS tried to talk me into communicating with him but I told him if his wife didn’t know I’m not the one for you.
And that was the end of that.
There are a couple guys I’m talking to, nothing gross.. One dude did send me 2 pictures of his member. I didn’t expect that.
Anyways M knows. I told him. He said do what I want to do, but he doesn’t want to know about it.
I tried to talk with him about how I was wondering why I am willing to communicate with random guys than him.
He was upset. I was not happy to see him when him and boy got back from camp. I had lunch ready and the house wasn’t in terrible shape. But no I was not excited to see him and then the CL thing.
I was telling him how even if these guys are just trying to have video, actual host sex whatever at least they were communicating about me. About who I am what I am doing.
Maybe I’m a complete jerk, or a whine bag but talking with other men gets me to see what I’m lacking with M. I just know it’s completely different and I’m not romantically involved with M.
I gave M some comparisons to what’s going on in CL world with me and what isn’t going on with M.
He got angry and said I don’t want to hear about it.
He says I am just trying to make him jealous or make him mad?
I told him how self-absorbed he’s making this conversation about him. and no why would I feel the need to make him jealous in the first place.
I did tell him these guys don’t think I am a monster. They don’t think negatively about me first. Yes, I know CL world is not real, but shouldn’t your spouse at least give you the benefit of the doubt about anything? M has been for years so critical, so harsh with me and my ideas that he doesn’t see where I’m coming from.
Like CL for example.
He’s upset. Yes, I knew he wouldn’t be all great honey glad you are finding guys to talk with. However does he dare to stare this problem in the face and say I can see why she would be doing this. Or what am I doing wrong that my wife would rather talk with strangers online than with me?
Yeah nope. but I was questioning that. One of the guys asked me what did I miss most.
I said I missed seeing my guy and that I couldn’t smile any bigger. How my heart used to skip to be near him, and the hugs that could never be tight enough.
I don’t think I’ve ever took what I missed the most and wrote it down to verbalize it.
M chose to sleep downstairs and this time I didn’t go after him and beg him to come to bed with me. I no longer need attention from M. I have had to disengage (thanks IHAA for the word) with M to talk with him rationally without blowing a fuse and throwing everything around.
Books I think said it best. “I think M still thinks that your relationship is broken and needs to be fixed. But he’s not grieved yet the relationship he killed off. He hasn’t gotten to that point yet.”
I think M and I have alot of growing up to do, but I wonder if we will make it. We are so different. I don’t see us balancing each other out anymore. I don’t see him making up for what I lack, or holding me up, or helping me become the woman I need to be.
I tried to do that for him, it didn’t work out in my favor. He didn’t receive it well and I didn’t understand. I don’t want to hold him up or help him become the man I need or the man he wants to be. Rizzo thinks I will get there.
I do feel sorry for him though. I feel sorry that he didn’t get how much I affect him.
I cleaned up the music room that I hate and I was in there for more than 20min. just cleaning off his desk. I disengaged. I got angry at many things in there, but could stop myself and say NH he’s just a man. Yes we are disgusted with him being okay as a fraud, but we don’t need to call him names. We are doing a nice thing for your children’s father, your husband. That is all no name-calling (ok alittle bit). He can play his music down here and cool off from life.
He played music down there for a bit. I asked him about it and he said it wasn’t that fun.
I do feel sorry for him. His sadness is huge.
I wonder if I’m supposed to help him through his sadness. I do plan on continuing the Love Dare all the way through even if I cannot do the day well. I guess I will do it until I figure this love thing out with M, myself, or anyone.
In the Love Dare day 11 it talks about how your spouse is an extension of you and M didn’t believe that, or know it. I wonder if he knows it now.
Well time to do my Muffin top workout.
Here’s to the day..