Yeah I told Frenchie that today that I could be like a new WWE supervillian..
Here she comes..
FULL OF HATE
NOT A GREAT FORGIVER..
SHE IS ON FIRE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN..
and my theme song would be “The Warrior” by Patty Smyth
I would come in all black leathered out with a great big cape and hood..
Yeah my kids aren’t a big fan, nor is M..
I made many a vows before I was married and after I found out about M..
If a man cheats you leave plain and simple.. black and white conversation.
I believed M was an asshat plain and simple.. None of this bullshit of good people make bad mistakes bologna
I thought he was a horrid person, and I neededo protect him from my kids!! Motherfucker!!
Here we are 6 months later..
Too many suicide attempts, ideation, and a visit to the ward.
Fights, punches, screams, kids crying, tears, separation
I am able to almost smile at the craziest that has been 6 months past.
I did myself a disservice condemning and putting vows on myself I knew nothing about.
I thought strong women left and didn’t ever look back. Those who stayed were scared little bitches..
Having that mentality hindered me as well. Because not only am I CONDEMNER of M, I am of myself as well. As for the faker.. well she doesn’t deserve space in my brain, but every once in awhile pops up. I wish she didn’t but as for condemning her? I want too.. I do.. I want to wish her so much hurt that she can’t breathe.. but you know what happiness to her.. I mean whatever she can muster up for being such a deceiving, faker, of a person. She hurt herself more than she ever hurt me. So whatever.. I’m not saying water under the bridge. What I am saying is good luck to her.. I wouldn’t want to look myself in the mirror if I were her, but I’m not thank God for that.
So back to M and I..
I’m tired of condemning M and I think I got tired of condemning myself. I am okay staying. I am accepting staying in this marriage and wanting M for today. I may not want him tomorrow and that’s okay. It’s okay for me to have happy times with him.
I am even able to talk about the past 2+ years not about his affair but about us. And I almost believe he wasn’t pretending to love me. That he just wasn’t biding his time with me to be with her. Because I thought we were happy.. I did.. He never purposely fought with me, he didn’t change much and yeah was a complete asshole behind my back, but this affair shook me because aside from us being distant with each other. I was happy and I thought he was too. In writing this I am going to ask him was he faking being happy? Was he wanting to change to improve our marriage? In previous days he said yes.. but I want to know when I’m not all crazed. Why did he pretend to love me when he was in love with someone else. Was it possible for him to love two people and how did that work out for him?
Well those are my thoughts. M prefers I just stay in the now and maybe I should because when things are going well between us they are good. So good it makes me want to beam and almost feel happy again I married him.
But this is all baby steps do I forgive him.. I don’t know.. but do I feel he’s the devil re-incarnate anymore and that I need to protect our children anymore? No.
Writing that down scares me, because I wonder if I’m being delusional.. but I am doing what I want to do.
I want to build a life that I don’t need a vacation from.
That life right now is fine being with M. Will It be like that always. I don’t know.