The Condemner..

Yeah I told Frenchie that today that I could be like a new WWE supervillian..

Here she comes..

FULL OF HATE

NOT A GREAT FORGIVER..

SHE IS ON FIRE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN..

THE CONDEMNER..

and my theme song would be “The Warrior” by Patty Smyth

I would come in all black leathered out with a great big cape and hood..

Yeah my kids aren’t a big fan, nor is M..

I made many a vows before I was married and after I found out about M..

If a man cheats you leave plain and simple.. black and white conversation.

I believed M was an asshat plain and simple.. None of this bullshit of good people make bad mistakes bologna

I thought he was a horrid person, and I neededo protect him from my kids!! Motherfucker!!

Here we are 6 months later..

Too many suicide attempts, ideation, and a visit to the ward.

Fights, punches, screams, kids crying, tears, separation

I am able to almost smile at the craziest that has been 6 months past.

I did myself a disservice condemning and putting vows on myself I knew nothing about.

I thought strong women left and didn’t ever look back. Those who stayed were scared little bitches..

Having that mentality hindered me as well. Because not only am I CONDEMNER of M, I am of myself as well. As for the faker.. well she doesn’t deserve space in my brain, but every once in awhile pops up. I wish she didn’t but as for condemning her? I want too.. I do.. I want to wish her so much hurt that she can’t breathe.. but you know what happiness to her.. I mean whatever she can muster up for being such a deceiving, faker, of a person. She hurt herself more than she ever hurt me. So whatever.. I’m not saying water under the bridge. What I am saying is good luck to her.. I wouldn’t want to look myself in the mirror if I were her, but I’m not thank God for that.

So back to M and I..

I’m tired of condemning M and I think I got tired of condemning myself. I am okay staying. I am accepting staying in this marriage and wanting M for today. I may not want him tomorrow and that’s okay. It’s okay for me to have happy times with him.

I am even able to talk about the past 2+ years not about his affair but about us. And I almost believe he wasn’t pretending to love me. That he just wasn’t biding his time with me to be with her. Because I thought we were happy.. I did.. He never purposely fought with me, he didn’t change much and yeah was a complete asshole behind my back, but this affair shook me because aside from us being distant with each other. I was happy and I thought he was too. In writing this I am going to ask him was he faking being happy? Was he wanting to change to improve our marriage? In previous days he said yes.. but I want to know when I’m not all crazed. Why did he pretend to love me when he was in love with someone else. Was it possible for him to love two people and how did that work out for him?

Well those are my thoughts. M prefers I just stay in the now and maybe I should because when things are going well between us they are good. So good it makes me want to beam and almost feel happy again I married him.

But this is all baby steps do I forgive him.. I don’t know.. but do I feel he’s the devil re-incarnate anymore and that I need to protect our children anymore? No.

Writing that down scares me, because I wonder if I’m being delusional.. but I am doing what I want to do.

I want to build a life that I don’t need a vacation from.

That life right now is fine being with M. Will It be like that always. I don’t know.

 

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “The Condemner..

  1. Goodness. I could have written most of this myself. That’s the reassuring thing though right? So many of us always assumed cheating was a deal breaker until we found ourselves here. I used to think that the strong women left too, but now I look at it like “maybe the most spirited women, the women who are delving into depths of love most don’t reach, these women are strong, they are patient, they are tough” because we all know the ugly crying in the bathroom, ignoring phone calls from the outside world, wishing the love would go away so it would be easy to leave. But the bottom line, we recognize the love and potential If we are just willing to Wade through all the crap. And so we try. Man I just feel loads better not feeling so alone.

  2. This post makes me happy. Especially the part where you realized you’ve been condemning yourself and you give yourself permission to be happy with the choices you are making even when they are different from the choices you thought you would make. That is growth my friend. It appears you have found some compassion for you and for M. Regardless of what the future holds, being ok with your choices and having compassion for yourself and others will serve you well. 😊

  3. I’m curious, do you feel like placing and ultimately removing the Craig’s list add change your feelings about the situation in any way? I’ve always thought strong women stayed.. 6 months of this, you must be strong – gold fucking medal strong.

  4. Oh my gosh YES. It is almost harder not to condemn ourselves right? Bc we are still here and never ever ever EVER did I think I would EVER make THAT choice. And so many days I feel weak for it. When a friend tells me, “You are strong girl b/c I’d be gone in an instant. With the kids. And his money.” And I sit and think, “I said that too… What the h is wrong with me?”

    There is nothing easy about this. Nothing at all.

    I’m super proud of you though. All we can do is make a choice for today, and rest in that.

  5. I tried to find your email but couldn’t. I wanted to ask you for the password. Can you please email it to me or tell me where to find it? I really enjoy your blog and can relate to so much of what you are feeling.

  6. NH. It is good to see you entering a new ‘phase’. Do not condemn yourself. It is indeed a strong person who can stay and fight. Did he love you? My bet is that he never stopped loving you. Enjoy your happy moments. You will go through many ups and downs, but it is great to hear you are having some rays of sunshine on your journey xx

Comment Here!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s