I used to have that.

I used to be so proud of my husband I could cry.
I used to look at him on stage and be so grateful he was mine and I was his.
I used to think I meant the world to him.

Well big shattered mess that all turned out to be.

I’m tired of the mess.. and I’ve just shut down for awhile.
The boy’s birthday is coming up, mine is two days after and while I don’t feel the same urgency to celebrate. I really don’t care what we get him. Because in all reality gifts are just useless tokens. They are expressions of love. But does my son want gifts, sure they are nice but today he told us what God may be leading him to.

To become a game developer or a chef.

He asked which one he would be able to do. I told him he’s able to try both right now. So really he doesn’t need any toy, or stupid trinket we can waste our money on. He wants life, experiences, time.. and I can give him that. I would rather that than even think of gifts how funny the changing of roles now.

I am not apathetic by any means to the boy’s birthday I just want it to mean more. I will no longer waste my time thinking about what I can get for him, but more in terms of what can I do for him.

Anyways I’m sure you get the point. So on to my birthday what do I want? What would I like? I want what the Brown’s have. I want someone to appreciate me before they destroy everything. I told my therapist today that I don’t have to rob a bank to know it’s not going to end well for me. I told my therapist many things today. I want tears of love. The love I used to have for M to make him a plate, to care about his needs before mine because I loved him so, to feel so lucky God gave me him. Where I felt lost without M.

I feel anything but lost without this relationship. If anything I feel a sense of freedom. To not talk with him, to not pursue this strange relationship because this relationship right now is nothing I have ever wanted, or desired to have.

I now know how to feel lost without me. To identify what makes me tick, what makes me keep dreaming on? I cry tears of love for my children for myself, for this family.

I respected my husband, his whole being. The past is so shameful to me what I put up with to love him and got nothing in return. But it’s also shameful because of the love that is not longer. Where there used to be passion and fire, now it’s just uncontained lava.

I want a love like the Brown’s. I’m not going to say I deserve it, but I remember what that felt like and I want that.

I want to start over.

I had a dream I was married to a faceless man. He was tall I remember feeling how handsome he was, but he had no face. I was happy. The children were happy too.

M immediately told me it was Jesus in my dream. I laughed and said good thought but I don’t think it was.

I dreamt I gave birth to a little boy.

All pleasant dreams where I was happy and there was a new chance.

Day 3 of not talking with M starts today. Still doing the love dare and pressing on with that. It makes me angry at M for being so foolish and stupid. But I need to learn and press on even if it’s hard. Do I do all the dare’s to a T? nope sometimes I don’t even do the dare and just move on. I just can’t sometimes.

Looking forward to getting out of here for our Bible Bowl trip as well. I have to spend the night at Rizzo’s because I never want to come home after I am gone.

I don’t like living in a home without passion between a husband and wife.
I don’t know how much longer this will last.

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9 thoughts on “I used to have that.

  1. Me too. I just adored mine. For twenty-one gorgeous years. But not now.

    I love how you are thinking about your boy’s birthday, it is so important for them to see that life is about relationships, and what we can do for each other, rather than what we get, what we can take from people. Infidelity, case in point 😉

  2. The first part of your post is almost like something I was writing today, we have ESP or something. ha! the first year of me knowing I honestly don’t think we did anything, he didn’t want to celebrate his life at all…I really don’t remember doing anything. He told his friends not to give him anything, and one gave him the dare to love book. It was things like that though…things that would help our marriage and wouldn’t be all about him.
    Loving your enemy is impossible with out the Lord and dying to yourself daily is as well…and it doesn’t feel good either, but on the other side of the gospel…if freedom and life…lose your life and find it.
    “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” On the painful journey with you.
    On a different note…are you taking meds at all to help you with the stress and depression?

    • No.. I am nervous to.
      I need to be as sharp and on my feet to keep myself safe.
      I feel on something I will lose more of myself, or be asleep, or cloudy and I can’t have any of that. I think that is where M wants me. He wants to take care of me to delusion himself back into my life.. can’t do it DS.. I won’t..

      • ok…well you know what’s best for you. Totally not a pressure cook question. My meds make me forget some things…but it’s for the better. I can remember important things…I think…I don’t remember 😉
        nah I was seriously losing my mind so I am thankful for mine…I really would on the 5th floor or whatever you call the looney bin. No joke.

      • Yeah I understand, drives me crazy to be on my A game all the time with my spouse. I figure no matter what he will do what he is going to do…and I seriously lose my mind when I try to figure him out…my last post was “I need my dosage increased” and I’m not “ok” but it’s better
        I don’t know if you are into natural stuff, but tulsi tea is amazing it actually pulls down the cortisol (stress hormone) and increases your energy because your body is not wasting energy on stress. It’s good for the immune system, it has a lot of antioxidants, builds stamina, aids digestion, anti aging, balances metabolism, balances energy levels, uplifts mood…there you have it…now order it on vitacost.com like I do and pick a flavor…ha! ❤ Do it now! 😉

  3. oh man, i watched that video yesterday and had THE SAME REACTION. just “that used to be us…when did that go away? when did he stop loving me like that long enough to go find other things to fill his wants? when did his wants change? i miss him loving me like that.” when my husband and i were in our first year, we were both up for an award. we both won. at the banquet he sang a song to me with that same look.

    i miss that look.

    im right here with ya, girl.
    i hope that you are doing okay tonight.
    i hope the birthday comes and goes and its as wonderful as you hope it to be.
    best best wishes.

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