I used to be so proud of my husband I could cry.
I used to look at him on stage and be so grateful he was mine and I was his.
I used to think I meant the world to him.
Well big shattered mess that all turned out to be.
I’m tired of the mess.. and I’ve just shut down for awhile.
The boy’s birthday is coming up, mine is two days after and while I don’t feel the same urgency to celebrate. I really don’t care what we get him. Because in all reality gifts are just useless tokens. They are expressions of love. But does my son want gifts, sure they are nice but today he told us what God may be leading him to.
To become a game developer or a chef.
He asked which one he would be able to do. I told him he’s able to try both right now. So really he doesn’t need any toy, or stupid trinket we can waste our money on. He wants life, experiences, time.. and I can give him that. I would rather that than even think of gifts how funny the changing of roles now.
I am not apathetic by any means to the boy’s birthday I just want it to mean more. I will no longer waste my time thinking about what I can get for him, but more in terms of what can I do for him.
Anyways I’m sure you get the point. So on to my birthday what do I want? What would I like? I want what the Brown’s have. I want someone to appreciate me before they destroy everything. I told my therapist today that I don’t have to rob a bank to know it’s not going to end well for me. I told my therapist many things today. I want tears of love. The love I used to have for M to make him a plate, to care about his needs before mine because I loved him so, to feel so lucky God gave me him. Where I felt lost without M.
I feel anything but lost without this relationship. If anything I feel a sense of freedom. To not talk with him, to not pursue this strange relationship because this relationship right now is nothing I have ever wanted, or desired to have.
I now know how to feel lost without me. To identify what makes me tick, what makes me keep dreaming on? I cry tears of love for my children for myself, for this family.
I respected my husband, his whole being. The past is so shameful to me what I put up with to love him and got nothing in return. But it’s also shameful because of the love that is not longer. Where there used to be passion and fire, now it’s just uncontained lava.
I want a love like the Brown’s. I’m not going to say I deserve it, but I remember what that felt like and I want that.
I want to start over.
I had a dream I was married to a faceless man. He was tall I remember feeling how handsome he was, but he had no face. I was happy. The children were happy too.
M immediately told me it was Jesus in my dream. I laughed and said good thought but I don’t think it was.
I dreamt I gave birth to a little boy.
All pleasant dreams where I was happy and there was a new chance.
Day 3 of not talking with M starts today. Still doing the love dare and pressing on with that. It makes me angry at M for being so foolish and stupid. But I need to learn and press on even if it’s hard. Do I do all the dare’s to a T? nope sometimes I don’t even do the dare and just move on. I just can’t sometimes.
Looking forward to getting out of here for our Bible Bowl trip as well. I have to spend the night at Rizzo’s because I never want to come home after I am gone.
I don’t like living in a home without passion between a husband and wife.
I don’t know how much longer this will last.