This morning.

We argued last night again.. not unusual.
Same song, same dance..
I protected you, stood up for you, for our whole relationship.
And you do this? You just don’t think of me and do this?
and NH goes back to the cursing in her head.. Motherfucker!!
not to M what good does that do.
Even non-curse words don’t seem to get me anywhere if they are at all disagreeable.

I still cannot accept I have a husband like this. Who chose that path. I wonder if I will ever respect him like I used to. I’m sure I can love him like I used to, love I know will be a shocker but comes easy. But the respect, the feeling of being blessed that he’s in my life. I recently told a pal of mine I think God is punishing me for being such a douche bag. I can be a jerk at times and this is where I get the husband who will not protect me from liars and deceivers, including himself.

I recently wanted a divorce. The idea is current and relevant in my mind. I then changed my mind, and I still continue to run the game in my head. I have to try and stop it and live life and focus on what I need to do. What blesses me and makes my soul sing. We all know it isn’t being married, it isn’t my partnership.

I read this article this morning and thought the title fitting but the article didn’t do me any good

Thriving in a Spiritually Mismatched Marriage

But I am struggling in a mismatched marriage. Most days I feel dead in this mismatched marriage. I feel alive when I am with others because I am me. I don’t have to have the conflict of dealing with a liar and a cheat for a husband. Dealing with the “Did this really happen to me? Awww.. Fuck my life out of all the spouses in the world I get this one! Shit!..

Oh that’s right I keep looking at my spouse because of our family, our faith, and out of comfort. Because let’s be real I really don’t want to turn our kids life upside throwing them all in school and daycare because I can’t trust M, I mean because that’s the only job that will be worth my time full-time right now. I mean I’m not going to be able to support my lifestyle working part-time at Target that is for damn sure..

And to be real I do love M at times. I’m not sure what makes it happen, or how that all works but I do I put the past behind us and stay in the moment with him.. and then I’m all like “What the fuck is wrong with you!!” and then the cycle goes all batty again.

I think the end is nearing dear friends.. but then again I’m smart enough to know I’ve been here before and looky lou.. I’m still here, still with him, complaining about the same nonsense..

Here’s to the day my Dad’s coming home.

I need to remember the rest of my life kicks ass. I am awesome. I have amazing kids. I am surrounded by honest loving people, I have a nice home, cars that run, food in the fridge, money in the bank, smiles and laughter in my house.

My relationship with M is such a life sucker on my soul if I let it.

I have a few projects starting today to keep my focus. To remember my marriage did not make me great, did not fulfill me either, but I chose a better path. One filled with God’s love and strength where I am blessed with a wisdom to look into my children’s hearts, to sympathize with others, to share my life and to be fucking funny.. I mean hilarious..

I am a strong, beautiful, and loving person.

I am unequally matched with my mate..

Maybe it’s the stupid in me but I still believe there’s a great romance waiting for me.. there is a guy with respect for himself, for others, for his family and we will grow old together not because we are perfect, or because we are so insanely in love, but we are strong together, we are honest with each other, we mutually respect each other and lift each other up, rather than tear down.

I believe he’s out there guys.. I know it.

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6 thoughts on “This morning.

  1. Don’t forget the possibility that it’s him.

    Maybe the faceless man in your dream is the man your husband WILL be… but with how it is now, he hasn’t slaughtered the Old Him yet. The Old Him is a zombie, coming back over and over again, reminding you that IT is still in him. HE needs to kill that person and how is up to HIM. And if he doesn’t kill him, he will not be that man…

    Can he blame you for not feeling hope when he allows the Old Him to resurface so often? :/

  2. I read your post and I see myself…honestly the only thing that has taken me out of that cycle is medication…I feel like I can process things in a positive light. It doesn’t dull me down like being under that horrible darkness…totally not putting that on you AT all, just sharing. It makes all the difference for me though and when I need an increase in meds I start dipping into the cycle again…the darkness the anger…the MFers come from DEEP seated anger that you do not want to remain in your heart, you need to bring your anger to the Lord continually, cause it’s going to continually come up, and while the scriptures say “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, giving a foot hold to the enemy (for the root of bitterness to come in) I believe with all my heart that WE need to continually give OUR anger to the Lord (don’t try to deal with it by ourselves, don’t keep it in us, to fester like a pussy wound…give it to the LIGHT and not over to darkness (the sun setting)…before you go to sleep let the Lord have the Last word for your day…don’t let your anger rule your life or have the first or last word…and I know that anger well. It’s not pretty. It controls your life your day and consumes your mind. Let God have the first and last word. (I probably shouldn’t be falling asleep to judge judy, for the last word in my life…HA! even though it’s a sure thing I’m going to fall asleep, PAH HA! Preaching to the Choir here).
    Our anger the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God…but we are allowed to be angry…even the Lord feels anger against sin and it’s consequences…but we don’t have to sin in our anger…He has given us self control in the midst of our anger.
    Pray to God for a Whole new husband, you don’t want the old one back!!! God can change your husband to be transformed into a whole new man or he can take you out of what you are in.
    I pray the Lord will bless you that you would hear him whisper deep from deep to deep penetrating through your soul and spirit “I AM with you, I will never leave you or forsake you…Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for I AM your LORD, your God, and I AM with you wherever you go.” and that in and through HIM you will be constantly be renewed in the spirit of your mind [having a fresh mental and spiritual attitude]…That he would move on your behalf in a radical supernatural way…that he would speak life into the places of deep woundedness and death…that your precious shattered heart would be pieced back together with something more precious than Gold…
    1 peter 1:7 These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold–though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
    I pray he will speak peace over your mind…and fight the unseen spiritual battle for you…the battle raging against you and your family. I pray for a beautiful story of Christ redemption would come out of this…and I do pray the Lord would minister to you in only a way HE alone knows how…where words can not reach nor any other person…that you would feel the touch of God’s love on you today.

  3. Isaiah 1:6 6 From the sole of the foot even to the head,
    there is no soundness in it,
    but bruises and sores
    and raw wounds;
    they are not pressed out or bound up
    or softened with oil.
    That is how our gentle savior wants to deal with our wounds…press them out, bind them up and soften them with oil.
    This is the Balm of Gilead…it sounds so nice and healing…but this is what it really does and this is what I feel healing from adultery looks like…if you get grossed out easily don’t watch it…but seriously…this is the process we walk through…the pressing out is so incredibly UGLY and painful but part of the healing process…then the binding is still painful but the power and control of cancer (sin bitterness, lust) has been removed and the healing hand of Jesus needs to fill in the wound…then the softening with oil comes with it’s gentle touch…God’s grace poured over your tragic wound…and yes the scar remains…there will always be a scar, as a testimony of God’s healing power in your life…he doesn’t erase…he heals and so we can go comfort others with the comfort we’ve received from him…share with others the story behind your scar…the pain, the healing process, and God’s amazing grace poured out all over it…to make it a scar…you touch a scar and it doesn’t hurt…it may be a little more tender than the other skin…but it doesn’t hurt…it’s tender as a reminder to be tender and empathize with others struggling with the same…to remember God’s tenderness toward us, through the pain, the fires, the trials…God Hold us and anchor us in your Love, hope, and faithfulness. ❤
    Here's the video if you want to watch it…it spoke volumes to me…I can handle gross stuff…should have been a dermatologist

  4. I have the same thoughts every day… Did my husband really cheat? Did this really happen to me, to us?? And every day I am floored when I realize that, yes, he did cheat, this did happen to us. Not sure why, one year later, I’m still so surprised, but I am.

    Hopefully your husband can become that honest, trustworthy man you believe is out there. Hopefully all our husband’s can step up to the plate and do what they should have done in the first place eh??

    • Two years on I still have the same conversation, and the perverse reasoning ‘it wasn’t really an affair, just a friendship that went too far’ – too far being …. You fucked my life. I think it’s the irrationality (word? Maybe not) the thought that some one else can smash who and what we are like a wrecking ball. It’s almost too big to conceive.

  5. I have all these same feelings too, day in and day out. I can’t even count how close we’ve truly been to divorce this last year…a lot. Even this past weekend which was set to be great (I’m working on that one now). Some days I love him, others I’ve silently made my decision to leave, because I know theres someone better out there who’ll lift me while I lift him, but then I think what if that’s H, because he’s working so hard. And yes, I’m still a year and a half out shocked and amazed that this has happened to US. Sometimes I hate emotions and others I wish I had more.

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