We argued last night again.. not unusual.
Same song, same dance..
I protected you, stood up for you, for our whole relationship.
And you do this? You just don’t think of me and do this?
and NH goes back to the cursing in her head.. Motherfucker!!
not to M what good does that do.
Even non-curse words don’t seem to get me anywhere if they are at all disagreeable.
I still cannot accept I have a husband like this. Who chose that path. I wonder if I will ever respect him like I used to. I’m sure I can love him like I used to, love I know will be a shocker but comes easy. But the respect, the feeling of being blessed that he’s in my life. I recently told a pal of mine I think God is punishing me for being such a douche bag. I can be a jerk at times and this is where I get the husband who will not protect me from liars and deceivers, including himself.
I recently wanted a divorce. The idea is current and relevant in my mind. I then changed my mind, and I still continue to run the game in my head. I have to try and stop it and live life and focus on what I need to do. What blesses me and makes my soul sing. We all know it isn’t being married, it isn’t my partnership.
I read this article this morning and thought the title fitting but the article didn’t do me any good
But I am struggling in a mismatched marriage. Most days I feel dead in this mismatched marriage. I feel alive when I am with others because I am me. I don’t have to have the conflict of dealing with a liar and a cheat for a husband. Dealing with the “Did this really happen to me? Awww.. Fuck my life out of all the spouses in the world I get this one! Shit!..
Oh that’s right I keep looking at my spouse because of our family, our faith, and out of comfort. Because let’s be real I really don’t want to turn our kids life upside throwing them all in school and daycare because I can’t trust M, I mean because that’s the only job that will be worth my time full-time right now. I mean I’m not going to be able to support my lifestyle working part-time at Target that is for damn sure..
And to be real I do love M at times. I’m not sure what makes it happen, or how that all works but I do I put the past behind us and stay in the moment with him.. and then I’m all like “What the fuck is wrong with you!!” and then the cycle goes all batty again.
I think the end is nearing dear friends.. but then again I’m smart enough to know I’ve been here before and looky lou.. I’m still here, still with him, complaining about the same nonsense..
Here’s to the day my Dad’s coming home.
I need to remember the rest of my life kicks ass. I am awesome. I have amazing kids. I am surrounded by honest loving people, I have a nice home, cars that run, food in the fridge, money in the bank, smiles and laughter in my house.
My relationship with M is such a life sucker on my soul if I let it.
I have a few projects starting today to keep my focus. To remember my marriage did not make me great, did not fulfill me either, but I chose a better path. One filled with God’s love and strength where I am blessed with a wisdom to look into my children’s hearts, to sympathize with others, to share my life and to be fucking funny.. I mean hilarious..
I am a strong, beautiful, and loving person.
I am unequally matched with my mate..
Maybe it’s the stupid in me but I still believe there’s a great romance waiting for me.. there is a guy with respect for himself, for others, for his family and we will grow old together not because we are perfect, or because we are so insanely in love, but we are strong together, we are honest with each other, we mutually respect each other and lift each other up, rather than tear down.
I believe he’s out there guys.. I know it.