I know I will

The rushing of the boy’s birthday is over and mine is tomorrow.

I have to say I am excited to see what my 35th has to offer.

I have been tested about who I am and while I am no where near understanding myself in this mess with M.

I’m okay not caring.

I’m okay getting healthier, buying new clothes, perfume, shoes, taking care of my home, learning about my kids, and being fabulous no matter what M dishes out.

I know he thinks that I am happier because of another person, but it simply isn’t true.

I want to be the best me now. I no longer factor him in as part of my happiness maybe I never should have in the first place. It still makes me cry I loved him so much and he will never know that again. I’m not saying I will never love him again it just will be different never the same like I was.

And I liked who I was back then I was trying, I was changing, it was taking me a while to build confidence and the want to understand M, our love, our marriage was great.

Now it’s not the same. I am focusing on what I want and that still is God and people. I still love others and people. I want to bless others, I want our children to see that to never tire of doing good even if those who are supposed to love you stomp on your heart and throw you away.

There are blessings to be had even through such horrible circumstances. The warm sun on my face still makes me smile and I have found true friendships with women in such a short amount of time who love their husbands and want to work on their families, their marriage, families, and look to bless others than tear them down.

As I re-read yesterday’s post I forgot to add my circle and my blogging friends if I died today or tomorrow I would want Rizzo, Books, Frenchie all there to greet me with chocolates and smiles.

Those women who held my hand while I was in the ward and have been with me every step of the way. Their company, their emails, and my trusty laptop all with me when I die. πŸ™‚

I am looking forward to my birthday tomorrow. There is only one person I want to get away with and that is myself.

I will call my friends and laugh. I will receive calls. I will Pinterest away while I drink and eat outside in the cold at Old Chicago..

and be free.. Free from M, this love people say I’m rebuilding, I don’t know what I’m doing with M. Sometimes M kisses me goodbye sometimes he doesn’t he’s about as consistent with his love and affection as I am with wanting a divorce.

He doesn’t understand that I don’t feel he has made up his mind just because he’s here everyday doing this.

He was here everyday wanting to be here in his affair too.

He doesn’t get it.

Rizzo believes he’s getting it. I think he’s making strides. I’m not an easy person to get along with when your not on my good graces. I get it.. but is there a whole bunch of compassion for someone who pisses me off. not much..

I also don’t understand why he’s upset that I don’t want to spend my birthday with him. I mean we will be together most of the day and going to CR. But I look forward to getting dolled up and getting out of here. Maybe even go watch other people dance until 2am in the morning.

But I look forward to be happy tomorrow. M will not ruin my day. Even if I go nowhere I hopefully will have my hair dyed and find my perfume scent at age 35.

I look forward to being compassionate to me, to loving me for who I am.

Not for being M’s wife or the Mom to our four.

To treat me kindly I’ve always been hard on myself and I still am to some degree but I’m learning.

I’m learning to have a relationship with myself and be okay with me and God. Because it is unfortunate but the story of my marriage is pretty tragic. I don’t look forward to our anniversary, or what we will do for our 20th.

I don’t think about our future together I don’t long to hold our grandchildren together or look forward to celebrating with M.

I may never and that’s okay.

I may never love M or be as happy as I was with M ever again and while it still hurts that’s okay.

That Mark Driscoll video D&S mentioned was great in telling me this will continue to hurt and that’s okay. Doesn’t mean I don’t forgive M. I thought it would I thought if I forgave the hurt would stop

Or even lessen. It doesn’t.

What makes the hurt stop is loving me and others. Taking the smallest steps towards M or away.. finding myself.. tweaking my life here in this house, my health what works for me what doesn’t.

Here to the day everyone..


5 thoughts on “I know I will

  1. I want that for my birthday too πŸ˜‰ I miss LIVING! I could care less about this mundane life, may as well live in the cave era, as I do not need all the ammenities provided, t.v, microwave, fast food… well other than indoor plumbing, I just want to LIVE, really LIVE πŸ˜‰ I hope your birthday’s fabulous πŸ™‚

  2. Happy Birthday to a woman of strength giving her all to what she knows to do…you a precious creation, formed by the Master of ALL Artists! He has given you a treasure a unique calling and journey in His grace and Life…in His love and comfort. I pray you sense these blessings on the celebration day of your life! You are fearfully and wonderfully made by an amazing God!
    Last night I was thinking about you and praying for you…this song came to mind…I don’t know what your style of music is but, I figured I would send this to you…it’s made me cry and freed my soul over and over again.

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