I don’t believe

Things I used to relish. M was never great at complimenting me or appreciating me. I would constantly ask him if he loved me and to say it more. He may have went a day or two.

He says it alot now.

Now I really don’t care if he says it ever.

The countdown to the holidays are nice. I wanted to go out tonight but instead bedazzled my girls boots for the fairy tea tomorrow.

I just wanted to write down what I don’t believe in hopes that I can understand myself and my thoughts better.

When he says he loves me I don’t believe it.

When he looks at me and says forever I don’t believe it.

When others tell me I will love him again I don’t believe it.

When he says I’m pretty I don’t believe it.

When he says we can be so much better I don’t believe it.

I suppose he can be better I mean from where he’s been anything would be better than perpetuating a constant lie.

I want to give up.

I am not sad by giving up either.

In wanting to give up I don’t know what that looks like.

or if I will feel like that this in the morning..

I miss my life and M consistently reminds me I cannot go back there and he’s right there is nothing to go back to.

The history we built stupid.

I don’t look back on our time together and think.. Ohhh.. Budapest or remember when we got married.

Like I said it wasn’t a waste of my life or time, but it doesn’t foster good memories. I have to start fresh and make good memories on my own. I have to find out what I like to do, what love I am looking for, what joy there is to be had in my life.

A friend of ours pastnaway today she was barely 30. Life is short.

I suppose that is how my husband found his way into fucking a lying bitch and becoming one himself. Life is short impulse, impulse, impulse..

I’m angry tonight.

I hope I’m not angry in the morning

I want to love intensely again.. 6 months later it hasn’t happened.. I’m tired of waiting that it will.


6 thoughts on “I don’t believe

  1. Reblogged this on Beautifully Betrayed and commented:
    It’s so hard isn’t it; staying is hard, leaving is hard, thinking about everything over and over again is hard. Sometimes I wish I could just get off. Hope you feel better tomorrow, it’s another clean slate after all xx

  2. Huney, its going to take a lot longer than six months, especially because who it was with. At least 2 years. It does eventually start to go a little faster, but I was still a wreck at six months. That’s about when the realization and acceptance really start to kick in. Your not there yet. You need to be patient with yourself. I know its so, so hard, but you’ve got to give yourself some slack, you’ve gone through a lot, slow down and focus on healing yourself for a bit. Work on your relationship on your stronger days.

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