Things I used to relish. M was never great at complimenting me or appreciating me. I would constantly ask him if he loved me and to say it more. He may have went a day or two.
He says it alot now.
Now I really don’t care if he says it ever.
The countdown to the holidays are nice. I wanted to go out tonight but instead bedazzled my girls boots for the fairy tea tomorrow.
I just wanted to write down what I don’t believe in hopes that I can understand myself and my thoughts better.
When he says he loves me I don’t believe it.
When he looks at me and says forever I don’t believe it.
When others tell me I will love him again I don’t believe it.
When he says I’m pretty I don’t believe it.
When he says we can be so much better I don’t believe it.
I suppose he can be better I mean from where he’s been anything would be better than perpetuating a constant lie.
I want to give up.
I am not sad by giving up either.
In wanting to give up I don’t know what that looks like.
or if I will feel like that this in the morning..
I miss my life and M consistently reminds me I cannot go back there and he’s right there is nothing to go back to.
The history we built stupid.
I don’t look back on our time together and think.. Ohhh.. Budapest or remember when we got married.
Like I said it wasn’t a waste of my life or time, but it doesn’t foster good memories. I have to start fresh and make good memories on my own. I have to find out what I like to do, what love I am looking for, what joy there is to be had in my life.
A friend of ours pastnaway today she was barely 30. Life is short.
I suppose that is how my husband found his way into fucking a lying bitch and becoming one himself. Life is short impulse, impulse, impulse..
I’m angry tonight.
I hope I’m not angry in the morning
I want to love intensely again.. 6 months later it hasn’t happened.. I’m tired of waiting that it will.