What I miss..

I am quoting from a wonderful but sexually graphic blog so there’s the WARNING when I link her.

She says

“I want a man to want me so badly I can feel it”

and my favorite part,

“When I am in his presence, my entire being relaxes. I become more gracious, more present, more in flow. I am expressive without being self-conscious.

I am emotional without being reactive. I am beautiful without being perfect. I feel safe, I feel seen, I feel radiant.

In other words, I feel like a woman. With a man.

And that is sexy.”

I miss that feeling. I miss the feeling of longing to see him again and feeling safe.

I miss the feeling of security.

Last night I cried frustrated talking with him.

I told him “Does he even understand how I cannot enjoy time with him when the past 2+ years I was happy and thinking everything was okay yet it was horribly wrong?”

I am saddened that I don’t have that anymore, but what is good about that is I don’t think I will be attached to him so lovingly like I used to. I wonder if that kind of love is even healthy? I wonder if looking at us and loving him made me into some kind of sick codependent?

I worried he would leave and not come home one day before affair. I worried he would die first and how sad and heartbroken I would be.

He’s just a man to me now. But before he was so much more. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

I think to some degree it did and I don’t believe I will ever love him with abandon again. But I have a long way from even dealing with us. I can’t and I don’t want to. I can only take short doses of us talks, affair talk, how sad I am in this relationship talks, and so can he.

I do feel I’m getting better. I hope I am.

Quoted Blog Post: I love men

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