Dinner

I grilled steaks, baked potatoes/sweet potatoes, veggies and cherry pie (sale at Sam’s I make my own cherry pie and the Sam’s had lots of fruit in it A+ by our family).

The dinner went over well.

Times like this where I wish I never cooked for him, I wish I never loved him, or said good things about him.

I wish I was horrid so horrid that he wanted to leave with her and just leave me alone.. But that isn’t the path I’ve been given. Other women would love to have their husband be so attentive or even be here for their kids. I wish I had that kind of insight.

M is upset I’m visiting with a friend when he wants to share life with me.. the constant excuses I have heard throughout this sad marriage are:

“I’m quiet I don’t have much to say”

“I’m just not a talker”

“We don’t need to have goals we are doing fine”

“I don’t have much to say”

“What do you want NH? I cannot be someone I’m not!”

“You talk to everyone”

“You talk to her (faker) more than me” (well he fucked her consistently so he wins hands down when it comes to faker)

“You share our lives with everybody I don’t want to share life with you because ___________ (fill in the blank with whatever he feels like at the time)”

There’s always been a reason for him not to develop a closeness with me. He chose his own path for our marriage, he prepped himself for an affair, he shut me out and allowed faker in.

A friend told me last night that faker was just a hater. She saw my life and wanted what M and I had together. So she chose to bust up my happiness because she’s so unhappy. She thought she could have just a little bit of what I had or what I saw in M she wanted that part too.

And I just see it as M should have resisted, he should have said look this is what happened on New Year’s I’m sorry.. but he didn’t he chose to have a full-blown affair with an unhappy, sick, woman.

But whatever my story doesn’t end in a happy ever after. My story doesn’t end at all it’s like a reoccurring nightmare. And I wonder when it will all go away.

The friend says when I choose it too.

And I said.. how? How foolish can I be to even attempt any type of a relationship with someone who valued sickness over integrity.

Who you are when no ones looking type of integrity.

It’s sad really.. I feel sorry for M..

And I can do nothing for M. He’s just another man on Earth to me, the father to my children, a man I wasted my love on only to come up empty handed. I feel loving M is like trying to hold sand or water.

Futile..

But I will give God the benefit of the doubt and stay. Interact with M, go to therapy, run this house, train these kids, and be me.

Learn to heal, learn to let go and accept what a horrible lesson in life faker and M have been to me.

I can change no one, but myself.

I have the power through the Holy Spirit to make myself miserable or happy..

I hope I’ve been in recovery long enough to choose the latter..

But I know better..

Here’s to not being miserable..

Here’s to great dinner’s no matter who’s sitting at my table..

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Dinner

  1. I always wished mine had left me for her. I saw my life improve, the weight loss and a determination to do better. And they would fade and fail. (Un) fortunately he saw this too and ended it. He finally worked it out before I ever knew a thing. I wish he hadn’t. If tthey leave you know it’s over and you don’t need to go through this “healing” shit. Just a whole new healing process that is about you and your kids without the societal pressure to “forgive” and “get over it.” I guess a form of closure – that psych buzzword of a couple of decades ago.

  2. As much as I look forward to your posts, I dread them too. I dread them because I feel your pain. Always feels like you are desperate to make it work yet it is so utterly one sided. You sound amazing, you try to carry on despite enormous pressures. My pressures are different, I am glad she left. No more lies to my face. I would have loved the steaks!!

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