Okay that’s an extreme version of what exactly is going on physically.. but emotionally I feel that..
I told a pal I understand how I fuel the wrong fire.. I sometimes I want to fuel the fire of M and I, but I can’t seem to stay there. I get so angry I throw ice, water, get my huge fucking fire extinguisher out and I try to kill this dam fire between M and I but the fucking embers still glow.
There is still love, still hope, in this house, in my heart, in my life, in my marriage..
A wonderful lady who took me out long ago for food eating Sopapillas with Squish sat next to me at church and hugged me, asked how I was.. She whispered in my ear as she hugged me..
“Focus on what good he is doing today. The past will be there, but focus on the good happening today. He works hard for your family, he provides, he’s here.”
“Satan wants to keep you set on thinking about the bad things” then we broke the hug and she looked at me and said
“It’s worth it.. believe it, it will get better” and that’s when I broke down (well in NH version teared up)
We moved on.
Church went well. My thoughts after church were on this story that pastor told about a blind man who fell in love in college and got engaged. During his engagement he decided to have surgery that may restore his sight or not. After his surgery he kept his patches on so his bride could be the first person he sees..
The idea was beautiful and I let the grip of M’s hand go..
I want that kind of love.. I knew that’s not what I had with M but I thought we were getting there. I honestly thought that man of mine would never bail on me and after I came back to him the first time he fucking never saw it..
Then the Thanksgiving Dinner for church came and it was weird. M and I were off we watched the movie Heaven is for Real. I have got to stay away from Christian movies for awhile, because I just see what I don’t have.
I usually see a husband and wife overcome troubles together. I see them fighting together side by side. I thought I had a battle buddy for life turns out he can stab me in the back for years and now is just making up for lost time..
Because as Thanksgiving approaches I see that am I such a disaster that I cannot see good. And if I cannot what does that say about me and what is going on in my life.
For example things I am thankful for M today and yesterday
He went grocery shopping with me
Watched the kids as I went to a meeting
He held Squish alot of the time I was visiting with others at the dinner
He taught my Sunday school class and I was so happy he covered for me because I was running late
He is doting, always asking how I am, telling me I’m beautiful, great in bed
But then I question my sanity, is this better..
God tells me “NH you don’t have to fight so hard anymore for what you want”
And sometimes I’m able to breathe it in, but most times I think this is all a ruse! But when I level out and wonder what does he have to gain by being a double crossing rat. I mean you have to have a wife to have an affair.
Seriously there’s no constant comparison so vividly like an affair against a marriage. The excitement of being a double crossing slut. Falling in love with someone else having two people love you. Good grief the high must be so enticing to shove your character out the window.. (okay off my slut soapbox)
Sometimes I do want to sink to their level. If the excitement is that great I want to experience it too.
And then I smack myself, or others do it for me..
Because you can’t wash that stain off your soul only Jesus can, but that shit follows your kids, your family.. yup M and faker did that to their lineage. Ick don’t want to be like them. (whoops back on slut soapbox)
So anyways I just am having a hard time thinking about the good. See the cycle think about good, trust the good, get shot in the foot a third time by M.
Yup because he will take all my work and just flush it down the toilet. He will take my kind words, my vulnerable thoughts, and fucking flush them..
But what choice do I have?
To believe him? or not? and I choose more the “not”. I asked him why he thought so adamantly that he wouldn’t dump me like trash again. As if I meant nothing. I mean it was easy to do last time. I can only imagine how much easier it will be for him the 2nd time around.
We didn’t get along that much he said.. whatever.. got along enough to have 3 fucking kids, to build a family, to grow together..
I want a marriage like the ones I have heard and saw tonight. I don’t have either.
So what do I have?
I have a husband that wants to talk with me but I can’t seem to trust him enough with my thoughts. Because when it gets too deep there is no laughter at the end. We are both just frustrated and done.
I think that’s all for now..