Last night I walk in front of Dillons the pine wreaths and pine trees smell amazing. I take them in and then I get a bit sad and I walk in the store. Grab things. Come back out this time I walk by slower and take in the smell and think do I have to be the cheated on right now? Does my heart have to hurt as I smell the pine smell I have loved so much as a child?
I decided it didn’t and I went back to when I was single, without children, to a time when it was only me and I smelled that sweet scent of pine and smiled and forgot. I also came back to this time and took another breath of pine and told myself being heartbroken doesn’t mean the good things have to suck.
He doesn’t know what it’s like to be lied to like this.
I want him to feel it.
He doesn’t understand what I mean when I say over and over again
“Why didn’t you Leave Me!! I didnt you leave me alone?!!”
I’ve screamed it, I’ve cried it, I’ve said it with passion and without.
He always comes back with “I can’t change things. I can just do better now”
But it shows he doesn’t get it. Maybe he does.
Like the bullied child hiding at the playground I’m sure wished “Why won’t they leave me alone?”
Like the little girl wishing for her Mom to love her but instead was spited, put in closets, just mean to her I wished “Why doesn’t she just leave me alone?” “Why be so mean?”
Or the child being molested wherever thinking “Why don’t they just leave me alone?” “Why couldn’t they have just left me be?”
And I know the answer and it hurts.
I want him to admit it that I didn’t matter to him. He didn’t care about me, anything I wanted, the relationship I wanted, the family we were trying to build and hold together. Because he claims he does, and did. And I wonder if it matters those who hurt people significantly I’ve found don’t get it. They justify, make excuses, or don’t deal with how cruel they are/were. They just move forward and hope the people they tore to shreds make it, or if they even acknowledge the people they hurt at all. .
But then I wonder if it’s my problem. M and I had an argument in the hall talking about what his punishment and judgement should be. I said something along the lines of you can’t just get away doing this to people it isn’t right! And then he asked if I’m such a great judge or know what the punishment should be then say it!!
I couldn’t say anything. Because put on the spot in this situation being judge I didn’t know. I didn’t know what kind of punishment was fair. The past 6 months I’ve wanted them both to suffer! To pay! But what does that look like?
Watching someone else be in their place? Watching someone have sex with me, love on me and know M doesn’t matter? Or maybe get their asses beat like the women who have been stoned for infidelity in the streets of the Middle East? So they hurt and suffer and I can see it. But what does that look like? And how much time do I really need to spend thinking about it? Right? Also who would carry out the suffering? Because making people suffer just isn’t one of my favorite talents, or works I like to do during my day.
I prefer to do other things..
Like laugh, blog, and smell pine
I woke up pretty happy today but then I brought up our past and when we first met. I had to let M go. I couldn’t talk to him or think about him. I wonder just like knowing my impulses in this nightmare to run off with our kids, me without any kind of plan. That when I get so angry, it’s because I’m hurt and so sad and then I can’t get a grasp on reality and just want the pain to stop.
But it won’t stop, leaving M, moving our children away from everything they have ever known, all for what punishment and distraction?
Now, I’m not condoning staying with a spouse who has cheated. I’m not a big fan of a spouse who’s been cheated on even caring if the spouse wants to come home or not. If M ever decided to leave and never return trust there will be no phone calls, IM’s, or the like. I’m not that type of gal, I’m not a jealous type, fuck off piss ant. My ass and our kids will be amazing with or without you!..
But I didn’t get that story not yet, anyway. I’m not waiting for M to leave me because I don’t care if he does or did. I do care about being lied to and used for his own purposes with no thought about me and what I want.
So as I type this maybe I should not care about being lied to. I mean if M decides to cheat on me again EWWW.. I mean the woman he was attracted to good grief, if that still rocks his boat if character and bones don’t matter. Ugh.. It won’t bother me one fucking bit, because a huge part of me is super over him. The idea that he could be a kind, faithful husband? Yeah out the window.
I mean sure he says he’s one now.. but fuck if I know what’s lurking in that brain of his. Most of the time talking about his affair baffles my mind and I’m like WTF? Seriously? Wow.. mind blown and I’m 35 I didn’t know people acted this way in decent marriages. I mean I’m no saint but cannot understand how the person I respected and loved for so long just didn’t matter.
Also I’d like to say to all the BULLSHIT crap about infidelity a big fuck you! Because you know what no marriage is perfect. Two fucked up people get married and they chose each other. Now you can choose to stay, or go. But some just dick around and are little bitches who can’t make up their mind and think aww.. hell I can fuck stupid, be stupid and keep my family… Yeah this can work out and my spouse, family will never know and I will live a wonderful life being a liar, pretender, and false human.
So, I want to say Thank You to all my betrayed who fucking rock this bullshit we were thrown into. Whether you stayed, divorced, still in limbo, or just found out. This fucking space rocks because we are not homely, our marriages were not perfect, we are not stupid for not knowing sooner!
We are humans who got basically shit on by those we held dear. By the people we chose to love and thought would love us in return. Except for those spouses who got cheated on by their family.. I read about that bullshit and was like I saw that on T.V. but had no idea that’s pretty rampant that a immediate family member has sex with an immediate family members spouse..
Fuck that.. seriously people, supposedly nice, kind people do this shit.. and I’m working on that in my mind because I don’t buy it. You are either so fucked up, you don’t know your fucked up and think you can roll with the rest of humanity and drag others down. OR You are a kind, honest, imperfect human and lift each other up.
Anyways I’m off topic.
So I am thankful for my Brothers and Sisters surviving and affair on here! All of you are awesome, none of you have gone to prison for beating a bitch down (slut spouse or slut) and are still fighting the good fight. You encourage me and keep me off the path of acting out in Betrayed Spouse tantrum mode and making my kids miserable.
Thankful for a few of those who chose the unfaithful route and have given me their time, opinion, and thoughts. All of you have helped me to see a different light on this reality I’m in.
Thankful for readers on here as well. Most comments have been encouraging and inspiring. Others not so much, but it’s amazing how a nice comment can change a moment. Thank you..
Thankful for M even when you were a slut spouse I wasn’t treated horribly. You were always present for our kids, their hearts, and activities. That isn’t the case in every infidelity and for that I thank you.
Thankful for my kids. They will all not be healthy this Thanksgiving but we will be together. because everyday someone loses a child holiday season or not.