Like look on the Surviving Infidelity website.
The information is unnecessary to me and yet I still try.
I know I’m dumb sometimes but, I’m going to force my way into happiness. I’m going to force my way to God’s peace and joy smiling from the inside out.
I did say at group today I hope faker suffers and God allows me to see it, but it’s on the backburner in my mind.
It isn’t the first thing I think about.
After 6 months it’s still hard not to want to send her hate mail or texts.
But moving on..
Here’s to Experiment #9
I cannot read, think, speak anymore about the topic infidelity. Nope I’m done with books, even about repairing a marriage, or how to love your spouse ex: Love Dare. Infidelity in my marriage has been such a HUGE focus as it should be, but it has to stop.
So that’s experiment #9 Stay away from infidelity material
Therapy went well today.
I asked if I was being healthy in staying away from M and not participating in conversations with him, because I can’t. I don’t have the patience for the words that come out of his mouth and that’s okay I don’t have to.
I got the okay.
We have a little girl spending the night tonight and I’ve been feeling the feeling of old NH where there isn’t an underlying anger and hatred eating at me. Where the change in my marriage is so crippling to my psyche and that doesn’t seem to be happening anymore.
I told my therapist that working on being happy and joyful is much more work than being down in the dumps.
But I’m willing. I’m willing to do the work for myself, kids, God, future.
Just have to really focus on 8 & 9..
I am learning to see and be accountable for all I’m contributing or not contributing to this M and I relationship.
I don’t think I need to be on board to save this marriage at all and in fact if you were to ask me how that is going to all pan out?
I would answer: I don’t care
It will not bother me one bit to have M walk out on me and our children. In fact I kind of expect it, because he wants a relationship I cannot give him, or care to give him anytime soon, or ever. Being in this relationship with M feels like a heavy burden that I’m not sure what to do with. This relationship comes with heavy baggage, broken spirits, pain, and suffering. (notice I said spirits)
It will not bother me if he stays. I’m happy sleeping alone now. In fact I kind of look forward to it. I don’t need a hug from him, or to recreate the awkwardness of what we used to have that will never be again.
I don’t understand the way he views love and he doesn’t understand my view of love as well.
And for right now we are both under the same roof. Not sleeping together and co-habitating for this family.
We both love these kids. I would love to say I love them more because I’ve been faithful to them, but that isn’t true.
Love cannot be measured.
Well here’s to another day down..