I do the silliest things and Experiment #9

Like look on the Surviving Infidelity website.

The information is unnecessary to me and yet I still try.

I know I’m dumb sometimes but, I’m going to force my way into happiness. I’m going to force my way to God’s peace and joy smiling from the inside out.

I did say at group today I hope faker suffers and God allows me to see it, but it’s on the backburner in my mind.

It isn’t the first thing I think about.

After 6 months it’s still hard not to want to send her hate mail or texts.

But moving on..

Here’s to Experiment #9

I cannot read, think, speak anymore about the topic infidelity. Nope I’m done with books, even about repairing a marriage, or how to love your spouse ex: Love Dare. Infidelity in my marriage has been such a HUGE focus as it should be, but it has to stop.

So that’s experiment #9 Stay away from infidelity material

Therapy went well today.

I asked if I was being healthy in staying away from M and not participating in conversations with him, because I can’t. I don’t have the patience for the words that come out of his mouth and that’s okay I don’t have to.

I got the okay.

We have a little girl spending the night tonight and I’ve been feeling the feeling of old NH where there isn’t an underlying anger and hatred eating at me. Where the change in my marriage is so crippling to my psyche and that doesn’t seem to be happening anymore.

I told my therapist that working on being happy and joyful is much more work than being down in the dumps.

But I’m willing. I’m willing to do the work for myself, kids, God, future.

Just have to really focus on 8 & 9..

I am learning to see and be accountable for all I’m contributing or not contributing to this M and I relationship.

I don’t think I need to be on board to save this marriage at all and in fact if you were to ask me how that is going to all pan out?

I would answer: I don’t care

It will not bother me one bit to have M walk out on me and our children. In fact I kind of expect it, because he wants a relationship I cannot give him, or care to give him anytime soon, or ever. Being in this relationship with M feels like a heavy burden that I’m not sure what to do with. This relationship comes with heavy baggage, broken spirits, pain, and suffering. (notice I said spirits)

It will not bother me if he stays. I’m happy sleeping alone now. In fact I kind of look forward to it. I don’t need a hug from him, or to recreate the awkwardness of what we used to have that will never be again.

I don’t understand the way he views love and he doesn’t understand my view of love as well.

And for right now we are both under the same roof. Not sleeping together and co-habitating for this family.

We both love these kids. I would love to say I love them more because I’ve been faithful to them, but that isn’t true.

Love cannot be measured.

Well here’s to another day down..

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7 thoughts on “I do the silliest things and Experiment #9

  1. For sure the faithful spouse loves the kids more, you never endangered their home for your own selfishness! Just because he does what he should do *outwardly* or says the right things or even feels as much love as you from now on, he did not during the affair or he wouldn’t have done it. The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother! And yes that means the cheating men around here are like M too. And damn straight I love those kids more than Paul does also.

    I totally get staying away from the deep end of infidelity stuff. But it’s very common for the real anger to hit at about 6 months. So you may end up dealing with it even if you’re not reading it. Good luck!

  2. I have to agree with Nephila. Of course the faithful spouse loves more than the unfaithful. Love is not simply a feeling, it is demonstrated (and even measured) by acts, by how we treat those we profess to love. We faithful love and care enough to think about our children and our spouses. Inflicting betrayal on the mother of their children and the consequences of an affair on them is not an act of love. I’d venture to say, the unfaithful love themselves more than anyone else as is clearly indicated by their selfish behaviors.
    I so understand you don’t want to read about infidelity and at times want to just put it behind you and not deal with this horrendous thing your husband has inflicted upon you. Who does? Who asks to be traumatized by betrayal?! But I think you’re deluding yourself if you think you will not dwell on it any time soon. You don’t need to look for it, it finds you. You’re only 6 months in, that’s way early. Know and understand that betrayal and its aftershocks bleeds into your entire life and jars you when you least expect it for months and years. Don’t beat yourself up about this. Recovery (for lack of a better word) is a long and slow and extremely repetitive process with or without your spouse. Just recognize this and be compassionate to yourself. Allow yourself to process your feelings, work through your anger, grief, and pain. If you suppress these real and just emotions, they will come out in other (sometimes destructive) ways, they always do.
    At 6 months I was still riding the rage, despair, grief roller-coaster big time. While distractions are helpful when things get too intense, you still must go through it. There is no way around.
    Wishing you peace.

    • Thanks Moddie oh hell to the yeah I know what you are talking about and I’m not deluding myself at all.
      I just don’t need to read any infidelity material or any working on my marriage material.
      Sometimes I think I will find answers but I just get irritated because I just have to focus on me. Figure out how I’m going to maneuver this ugly time in my life. No more infidelity material for me at least for right now.

      No more reading articles, books, websites..

      Doesn’t mean I won’t blog or even deal with infidelity.. does that make sense?

      Because unfortunately it is a part of my marriage and a tragic event that has happened in my life.

      But like being molested, or neglected as a child it’s something I have to find a place for and put it behind me because there is so much more life I have in me, like I said so many reasons to smile. I have to focus on those things..

      Do I still cry, do I still hurt, does my chest tighten so much that I feel this will never go away? Yup, but the harder I work to focus on my joy rather than the pain. That there has always been a fire in me besides my marriage besides this what I find one of the worst relationships of my life.

      Moddie I intend to walk through this, yet I find myself still trudging, one day I will be able to walk through this without this relationship causes a sting on my spirit.

      I am learning to grieve and rage in more constructive ways to think and feel my way in and out of any destructive emotions and find the accountability to myself and my children.

      Thank you for your warning and your concerns because if I was in La-La land I would hope someone would say something 🙂 ❤

  3. A year later and few weeks later and I feel these things as well…these past few weeks have not been good. I’ve felt distant, and disgusted, he yelled at me over how many miles you wait till putting oil in an older car I say 3,500 he says 10,000, he was pissed and that triggered me to what a jerk he was and I haven’t come out of that trigger, I feel disgusted by physical contact, sex is awkward and disgusting to me…this is how I felt in 2013 when he was lying and looking at porn…it’s hard for me trust my feelings, and I totally don’t trust him he made me feel crazy from mid 2012- the end of 2013…and now I’m feeling the same way…can’t tell if it’s triggers bouncing off each other or if he is really up to no good. He definitely is being prideful and self protecting which I find really hard to deal with. Since he should be manning up and stepping up to the plate…taking responsibility, etc.

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