Tears that don’t cleanse

Cried hard again last night. I was so angry at him. All his persistence, his I don’t have to live in the past nonsense.

Someone else told me am I going to continue to harbor the past against him.

I can forgive him for sleeping around on me, I get wanting to sleep with someone else. If I was sick in the head like M I could have and passed up chances. Why? because doing wrong bothers me whether people know about it or not.

I can forgive him enough to see him as a man who has many more positives than negatives about him. I can see his talents, how he can and will continue to serve others.

But I can’t forgive the lying and telling me what he believed and they were not true. In his eyes he meant them, but his actions proved otherwise. And I bought his fakery, because I loved him.

I don’t care how much in his heart he meant the words he said, he didn’t follow through with the beliefs he told me and we’re not just talking Jesus.

We are talking about that the family we were building was tough, but worth it. That there is no place else neither of us were meant to be.

But it wasn’t true.

I don’t care how much he says he believes these things before or now.

I just feel I won’t ever forgive him for feeding me bullshit and his turnaround time for recognizing his own bullshit is not good enough for me.

And then there’s faker.. oh goodness how I pray for God to bring justice to that disgusting wretch of a woman and I hope the women friends she finds now are as fake as she is.

Still working on my website and business plan.

Next is finding tools to build my apps.

Diversification in making money from home for sure.

Sometimes I think it would be best to just severe this whole nonsense and just go my own way.

But I know in my heart it isn’t what God wants for me so far.

I think I’ve come along way from wanting to put a hurt on his ass, or looking for someone else to fill the void that is now an empty space called husband in my heart.

I realized it’s been really 8 months if I count April, or 7 months if I count D-Day in May.

I might at well go with 8 months right now. I’m okay thinking in 4 months my husband will be his reformed slut self for a year wow. Must be hard for him being such a gross cheater and then playing dutiful, faithful husband, to poor, broken me.

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Tears that don’t cleanse

  1. This is the most helpful passage I have read through this whole process…I hope it helps you…don’t you worry about her…God knows God sees…and he sees M too.

    Give ear to my prayer, O God,
    and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy!
    2 Attend to me, and answer me;
    I am restless in my complaint and I moan,
    3 because of the noise of the enemy,
    because of the oppression of the wicked.
    For they drop trouble upon me,
    and in anger they bear a grudge against me.
    4 My heart is in anguish within me;
    the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
    5 Fear and trembling come upon me,
    and horror overwhelms me.
    6 And I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
    I would fly away and be at rest;
    7 yes, I would wander far away;
    I would lodge in the wilderness; Selah
    8 I would hurry to find a shelter
    from the raging wind and tempest.”
    9 Destroy, O Lord, divide their tongues;
    for I see violence and strife in the city.
    10 Day and night they go around it
    on its walls,
    and iniquity and trouble are within it;
    11 ruin is in its midst;
    oppression and fraud
    do not depart from its marketplace.
    12 For it is not an enemy who taunts me—
    then I could bear it;
    it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—
    then I could hide from him.
    13 But it is you, a man, my equal,
    my companion, my familiar friend.
    14 We used to take sweet counsel together;
    within God’s house we walked in the throng.
    15 Let death steal over them;
    let them go down to Sheol alive;
    for evil is in their dwelling place and in their heart.
    16 But I call to God,
    and the Lord will save me.
    17 Evening and morning and at noon
    I utter my complaint and moan,
    and he hears my voice.
    18 He redeems my soul in safety
    from the battle that I wage,
    for many are arrayed against me.
    19 God will give ear and humble them,
    he who is enthroned from of old, Selah
    because they do not change
    and do not fear God.
    20 My companion[b] stretched out his hand against his friends;
    he violated his covenant.
    21 His speech was smooth as butter,
    yet war was in his heart;
    his words were softer than oil,
    yet they were drawn swords.
    22 Cast your burden on the Lord,
    and he will sustain you;
    he will never permit
    the righteous to be moved.
    23 But you, O God, will cast them down
    into the pit of destruction;
    men of blood and treachery
    shall not live out half their days.
    But I will trust in you.

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