Fist bump, hand shake, hi-five, shoulder bump?? Physical contact after the feelings of love start to drift after an affair.

It happened seemed he was impressed I’d gone this long wanting to have sex with him.

I don’t think hysterical bonding happened too long, but I’ve always wanted M from the moment I saw him. Well now it just isn’t the case. I mean I love the guy don’t get me wrong, it’s just different.

I’m different.

How? Well I don’t trust the man I live with which puts me in a position of uneasiness.

I don’t want to go to a marriage conference, restore, bible study about marriage or anything related with him.


Because I can’t let go of the past? That I see him always as a cheating loser?

No. because I’ve been fighting for my marriage for awhile and I could give two fucks..

I’m not even saying these past 8 months but for years.

I wanted to do couple’s studies, to get away with him, learn to improve our marriage.

Yup.. I’m not fighting anymore

At first it was because I was fucking angry, then I didn’t care, now I just don’t love him like I used to.

The sex part is a kicker because once you lose sexual chemistry with someone I don’ think I can make it back. But we’ll see.

I suggested the fist-bump, handshake, and told M how do we navigate this now?

While we shook hands M pulled we close.

I was flattered and felt awkward at the same time.

Why am I flattered? Why do I seem to feel the need to be taken care of like some delicate flower?

Why does my mind deceive me?



5 thoughts on “Fist bump, hand shake, hi-five, shoulder bump?? Physical contact after the feelings of love start to drift after an affair.

  1. I just recently found your blog and I really enjoy reading it. I hate the horrible things you are going through and how confusing everything is for you, but I, I suppose, selfishly, appreciate that someone is sharing such raw emotions. I have never been married, but experienced finding out my boyfriend of 6 years was cheating with a mutual friend. Not being married definitely makes it not at all the same as what you are going through, but a lot of your emotions are things I too dealt with and still think about years later. Thank you for how candid you are. -Lauren

    • Thank you for your kind words and married or not that is a long time to be with a man and have him do similarly what my husband has done. It stings said it best I thought

      This kind of pain — how do you even begin trying to describe it to someone who hasn’t experienced it? It is sharp and grating, pulsing with intensity, but still stealthy and methodical. I feel that it is creeping in to every cell of my body. Every confidence that I’ve felt has been shaken. Every certainty I thought I knew, called in to question. It’s a pain that manifests itself in every possible realm — mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually.

  2. It’s new.

    With W, over the past few days, it’s felt foreign. At first it was foreign in a bad way – I’d always told him that he’d better resign himself to being with me because “getting to know” a new cock is something I’ve always dreaded (, not that there have been many lol, whether I loved him or didn’t yet) – and giving him a BJ the other night? It was weird. Like I was cheating on my husband; like I was dirty and giving another man a blowjob. I didn’t like it. It was new and weird… I don’t know why it had changed; it just had. I started to get worried that I had accidentally stopped loving him and THAT’S why it felt like a stranger.

    We’ve been talking a LOT over the past few days. He feels even worse, not having realized, before, how horribly he’d impacted me AND the children since the very beginning… even without the cheating. It was cleansing, to get all that out. To see him with fresh tears, finally understanding the full measure of what he’d done.

    And last night, as we were snuggled up, watching a show, I realized that I wanted him. I felt as awkward – we both did – as the first night we hung out… each of us wanting to touch each other (affectionately, not sexually).but not knowing, for sure, if they’d respond well. How he looked and was dressed and was lounging felt new. I wanted to touch him… to grasp the inside of his outstretched legs and rest my hand there. And when I did, he groaned and pulled me up to him. That HE longs for my affection is new. It’s always been the other way around.

    We’re new to each other now. It’s weird – just like the beginning – but is going from yuck to good. Maybe that’s where you are? The awkward-yuck new before the longing/lusting/good-but-still-awkward new?

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