Everything I said in the last post was true.
I need to get better at examining my feelings.. I thought I was underweather and I kind of am.
But my energy level to get our Christmas going is just D-O-W-N.
And I don’t really care.. I mean I’m excited the kids are excited, but I’m not in any mood to celebrate.. but I press on..
and today I get the most exciting news after I posted that my hoarder mother, who isn’t a hoarder anymore because she threw all of her things away threw all of her Christmas stuff away as well..
Yeah who the fuck does that? How does my and my brother’s 1st baby ornaments end up in a landfill in Seattle? But my mother somehow was able to fit the rest of her shit to Oregon.
Yes, granted I told her I didn’t want anything out of her home.
But I didn’t think she was going to toss our ornaments. The things we’ve had for years even as crappy as our lives were so many times back then we could always pull it together for Christmas and whoever the fuck threw away my family ornaments which had my name on them. My precious maiden name the one my parents bought me to celebrate my first Christmas just toss that out.
Maybe I’m more emotional because of what’s going on in my life.
Probably because it’s hard letting go..
I have to say with all the triggers about faker, with my mother, with M that after I almost lost it in Bible Study.. some tears did me good..
I would love to say that I don’t miss faker and honestly I don’t because I would probably get my ass in a boat load of trouble if I did see her. But this holiday season is sure different without her and then I get upset because faker is just a liar and doesn’t care. No real best friend could do what she did to me. No friend even. She’s just a lying loser who pretends to love others for her own benefit.
But my holiday season is sure different.
I can’t say different for the good or bad..
I didn’t fret to what to get M or think of the perfect present for him this year..
I got to spend time with wonderful women of the Lord who truly value their relationships with their friends and family.
I can match every “I didn’t” for a positive “I did” but it doesn’t make me happy.
I still feel out of place.. but pressing on..
A sweet lady told me tonight how doing this whole being with M thing makes me “her hero”. I told her I thought she was kind, but I’m kind of a mess.
Tears flowed down my face and to laugh and cry felt good..
I cry remembering the first sweet Christmas card I bought M while he was away for our boys’s 2nd Christmas in Iraq.
I cry remembering I no longer feel such a strong bond or connection with my husband.
I cry remembering what it feels like to love someone so much you hoped you died before them, because the thought of living on without them felt paralyzing.
I cry remembering wasting time on two relationships that I tolerated their stupideness, their inauthentic selves, because I thought they loved me.
I cry because I know Jesus came to bring hope and yet, I don’t feel hopeful about the love I once had with my husband.
I cry because somedays I have to talk myself out of missing faker, because all my mind can conjure up is the good times and that’s hard.. because the truth erases the good times… she was never a friend of mine and that’s hard to take as well. Especially now during the holidays.. I spent so many with her and figuring out how to get together with her. I hear her voice, some things I see and think of her immediately..
It’s so hard to think that M doesn’t feel the same.
So as I cry alone near my computer and I just press on.. yes I’ve been flipping triggers off with ease but I still hurt when they come. A sadness creeps in that I have a trigger at all, then to realize where the trigger comes from.
But for the most part my laundry is getting caught up our boy’s room is slowly getting organized. I will not be rushing to clean my house for Christmas and that is nice..
Here’s to new memories I never planned on making
Merry Christmas Eve everyone