I’m sad I knew it was coming…

Everything I said in the last post was true.

I need to get better at examining my feelings.. I thought I was underweather and I kind of am.

But my energy level to get our Christmas going is just D-O-W-N.

And I don’t really care.. I mean I’m excited the kids are excited, but I’m not in any mood to celebrate.. but I press on..

and today I get the most exciting news after I posted that my hoarder mother, who isn’t a hoarder anymore because she threw all of her things away threw all of her Christmas stuff away as well..

Yeah who the fuck does that? How does my and my brother’s 1st baby ornaments end up in a landfill in Seattle? But my mother somehow was able to fit the rest of her shit to Oregon.

Yes, granted I told her I didn’t want anything out of her home.

But I didn’t think she was going to toss our ornaments. The things we’ve had for years even as crappy as our lives were so many times back then we could always pull it together for Christmas and whoever the fuck threw away my family ornaments which had my name on them. My precious maiden name the one my parents bought me to celebrate my first Christmas just toss that out.

Maybe I’m more emotional because of what’s going on in my life.

Probably because it’s hard letting go..

I have to say with all the triggers about faker, with my mother, with M that after I almost lost it in Bible Study.. some tears did me good..

I would love to say that I don’t miss faker and honestly I don’t because I would probably get my ass in a boat load of trouble if I did see her. But this holiday season is sure different without her and then I get upset because faker is just a liar and doesn’t care. No real best friend could do what she did to me. No friend even. She’s just a lying loser who pretends to love others for her own benefit.

But my holiday season is sure different.

I can’t say different for the good or bad..

Just different..

I didn’t fret to what to get M or think of the perfect present for him this year..

I got to spend time with wonderful women of the Lord who truly value their relationships with their friends and family.

I can match every “I didn’t” for a positive “I did” but it doesn’t make me happy.

I still feel out of place.. but pressing on..

A sweet lady told me tonight how doing this whole being with M thing makes me “her hero”. I told her I thought she was kind, but I’m kind of a mess.

Tears flowed down my face and to laugh and cry felt good..

I cry remembering the first sweet Christmas card I bought M while he was away for our boys’s 2nd Christmas in Iraq.

I cry remembering I no longer feel such a strong bond or connection with my husband.

I cry remembering what it feels like to love someone so much you hoped you died before them, because the thought of living on without them felt paralyzing.

I cry remembering wasting time on two relationships that I tolerated their stupideness, their inauthentic selves, because I thought they loved me.

I cry because I know Jesus came to bring hope and yet, I don’t feel hopeful about the love I once had with my husband.

I cry because somedays I have to talk myself out of missing faker, because all my mind can conjure up is the good times and that’s hard.. because the truth erases the good times… she was never a friend of mine and that’s hard to take as well. Especially now during the holidays.. I spent so many with her and figuring out how to get together with her. I hear her voice, some things I see and think of her immediately..

It’s so hard to think that M doesn’t feel the same.

So as I cry alone near my computer and I just press on.. yes I’ve been flipping triggers off with ease but I still hurt when they come. A sadness creeps in that I have a trigger at all, then to realize where the trigger comes from.

But for the most part my laundry is getting caught up our boy’s room is slowly getting organized. I will not be rushing to clean my house for Christmas and that is nice..

Here’s to new memories I never planned on making

Merry Christmas Eve everyone

❤ NH




10 thoughts on “I’m sad I knew it was coming…

  1. We filed for divorce today. It was something I knew was coming but still had a hard time dealing with. In the spirit of your post I will say the following:
    I cry remembering the times that I ignored or mistreated my wife.
    I cry remembering the effort she put into my first birthday with her.
    I cry remembering the fun and wonder of our wedding, and my lack of attention towards her afterwards.
    I cry thinking about her being happy with someone else, sharing memories that were stolen from me.
    I cry thinking about her starting a family with someone else..

    It’s sad, and I don’t know how to deal with it sometimes. My wife does not feel the same way about me as I do about her. I pray long and hard that I will have the strength to get through this, and the courage to be a better man for myself and others. I know that those of us on here who are dealing with this will turn things around, but that that journey will be long and arduous. I pray for each and every one of us to find comfort and healing. Better days ahead, but they can’t come fast enough.

  2. I also recently lost my best friend, due to a different kind of betrayal. There is this weird space where you had all these good times with someone, and then the hurt happens, and it makes everything else seem like a lie. But I don’t think it was all a lie…I bet she actually enjoyed your company and you guys truly had some good times together. Granted the friendship is lost now due to her epic betrayal of you (rightfully so), but I don’t think you’re wrong or crazy to miss her sometimes…I think it might just be you missing “the good old days.” I’m sorry it all went to hell. I hope you can manage to have some good times this Xmas…and if not, well fu*k 2014. Maybe next year will be better!

    • It is hard to take reading this a second time because if the good times were good their bitch asses wouldn’t have done this.. or if they were truly having good times and just being pervy to where they couldn’t help themselves.. ewww.. they are like perv’s.. ick..

      • I was referring to the “good times” you had with your friend BEFORE she betrayed you. Once they crossed that line that’s an entirely different story. I do understand how you can’t look back at any of it and feel good…it was truly a betrayal of the severest kind.

      • thank you Violet. I know you meant good I was just having a moment.
        I didn’t think you said anything wrong at all. I knew what you meant I was just rattling off what was in my brain about them.
        Your statement rings truth though, but it’s also true I have a hard time looking back there and seeing any good.. ❤

  3. its a really hard day here too. lots of crying and frustrations, in between visitors who just dont get it.
    Im so so heartbroken this christmas.
    im so sorry we are both here.
    (speaking of “here”, i wonder how close we live to each other! I might be close to your mum! we live in OR too)
    I spend my days wondering if i will ever look at him with adoration again, and trust and love and just smitten eyes. instead of with hurt, rememberance and pain. 😦

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