The New Year is coming up.. wow.. 9 months of being with M coming up soon..

So month 9 is fast approaching and I haven’t ran into that skank yet..

I really thought I would see her around the holidays at one store somewhere..

Anyways Christmas was hard, 2nd Christmas almost harder because I somehow managed to swallow all my

FUCK-IT-ALL pills and just wanted to hide.

2 out of 4 dishes came out right and normally that would have caused me to just blow my top..

Kids had a great time with family. I more than once caught M staring at me during our festivities in our home.

M helped me get our home in shape and peeled a boat load of garlic.. Putting 2nd Christmas together was hard because I didn’t care and then it was happening and I wasn’t prepared at all..

6am came around and barely anything was done and everyone was coming at 12..

M has been a gem and now hosting is over on to New Year’s

M and the boy have been playing Diablo 3 together when we first got married M LOVED Diablo and even laid our newborn on our lap to play..

Strange maybe I’m looking too far into things but it’s like as much as I wanted it not to happen it seems what is going on around me is all fucking starting over..

Dam Diablo game, my zest for life, food, family, fun is coming back more and more.

and how removed I feel from all the can’t trust fucking M as far as I can throw him, the phoenix insides will never die rest assured.. however she is asleep, tired, and learning, maybe saying resting..

My commitment to M? not sure I suck at committing to anything.. I mean M was pretty much the only thing.. I’m the lady who has buyer’s remorse, changes her decisions, just has a hard time committing, the one who will go over a decision so long in her head..

So being with M committing to him? It’s strange because the longer I’m here in this house seems like I’ve made my choice. How I laugh with others, going to coffee with M, laughing with him, we are watching our first movie in our room tonight..

Yup.. not a comedy.. but the Purge Anarchy

I’m hoping the Phoenix isn’t awakened by some stupid shit and goes all haywire..

I need to come up with a plan if it does..

Fucking planning my melt-downs.. has to happen or when they do I’m caught off guard and make everyone including myself miserabwle..

I’m doing well with M. I’m sure a part of him still hates him, doesn’t trust him, but for the most part I’m just living.. organizing my drawers, creating things, painting, teaching the children, and taking in Squish’s scent well all of their scent.

M still asks if there is anything I need. He asked me out for coffee and I loved it today..

I did.. touching him..

I told him to today he is handsome and I love touching him.. unless I’m completely pissed off then that isn’t the case

and we laughed..

My humor is coming back.. and it’s authentic..

We can laugh at M’s failure to be my battle buddy, and how coo-coo-ka-chew I was and still am sometimes

Today Squish only wanted me while we watched Malificent (loved that movie) and as I took her I saw our whole family watching this movie and I’m glad I”m alive.

I’m glad I didn’t kill myself I would have missed out on that moment and my kids.. I love these kids, I love training them, being with them, and watching them grow..

M is taking such a take charge approach with the kids and I cannot get enough of M saying “Do not talk to my wife like that” when the boy tries to sass me.

Somehow I think all of us including kids are coming out stronger appreciating our family more

I feel strange but good and thankful


2 thoughts on “The New Year is coming up.. wow.. 9 months of being with M coming up soon..

  1. You sound so good, love will do that to you, no matter what comes along & knocks us off our ass, if it’s strong enough we get back up & try again tomorrow! I have been where you are, I know every painful step you are taking, every awful thought that invades your mind on a daily basis, I thought of suicide more than once & something my oldest son said to me was the only thing that kept me from doing something that would only have made things worse for my family! I can tell you see now that your sweet kiddos would certainly not be better off without you! You are getting stronger everyday, we all are, I can look back these last 2 years & see a difference in all of us on here, you know what they say, you can’t keep a good woman down & I’m so proud to be in that group with all of you! Love & a big hug to my sweet friend from Joan

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