Getting ready to take a shower and play games with my kiddos, open my ice cream machine, make popcorn and just veg out..
M and I seem to be doing okay, not great.
Therapy was hard to take. I look forward to the next session in dealing with trust.
This session has alot to do about how I get stuck in my head, how to get out, how to recognize it and also talking about how I feel about M.
What I think he’s doing, what I think he’s doing wrong, and why do I even analyze what I think he’s doing wrong because I wonder about my own recovery, my own feelings, I know I’m a fucked up individual.. how or who am I to even question if M is truly sorry, cares, and understands what the fuck has just went down over the past 14 years of our lives together.
Anyways I am looking forward to 2015, maybe I won’t be a bitter, resentful, BS.. maybe I will.
But I know I want to love my kids, love myself and above all love God.
Because I can easily get burnt out loving my kids and myself.. God always seems to fulfill me okay not always but I can’t go wrong..
Sometimes I’ll come across something and say WTF?? God really?? but usually comeback saying you were so right God why do I ever question your ways?
Here’s to the evening and thank you to all who have encouraged me to live, and breathe.
Thank you to Rizzo who called me everyday for months to check on me and make sure the kids and I were okay. I am so blessed and honored to know you.
Thank you to Books goodness your kindness, honesty, emails, and communication have always done me well. You visited me in the ward, your smile made me smile.
Thank you to Frenchie oh good grief the numerous times I ended up at your house. Your patience, numerous long hour phone calls were soothing to my soul in my darkest hour.
Thank you to Bob for making the truth known to me when you could have kept me in the dark. Thank you for being willing to visit with me and talk with me.
Thank you to M.. I know hold the phone, no one drop your laptops, phones, tablets, or back away from your PC.
Thank you to M. You tried to visit me everyday in the ward. You never once threatened to take our children from me (yes I know he shouldn’t do that). You’ve never said go on ahead stab yourself! Here’s another knife if you want one. You have held our babies when they cry and console them when I couldn’t over these past almost 9 months. You still claim to be my husband and wear your ring persistently. You come up with things to do for our family when I really just want to hide .
Even if you fucked me over completely you seem to pick up where I leave off and you didn’t have to do that, but you have and I thank you.
Happy New Years Everyone ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤