I would have to say the last couple of days have been good.
But now I’m in a strange land.
Not just in a different city right now, but also feeling just low..
and that I wouldn’t mind just breaking things right now.
I feel tension.
I feel change..
Not just the weather but with me.
I’m not insanely in love. I do love M and like I said the days prior were pretty good, but I think sometimes in NH land prior to affair usually in relationships the kind I pursue with people is they get better with time.
Right now that isn’t the case.
The time was good now I think my whole countenance is processing and just being..
being okay with having good days and know not just that bad days are going to come, but that there’s a space between where there isn’t good or bad.. just being..
learning to trust myself and how I feel about the good days with M.
learning to trust God’s provision in everything from the socks I got on sale, to this marriage.
learning to process the good days and assess what is going on between us.
and learning in doing so is okay..
because M is constantly checking on me and I wondered if I was being codependent because I felt bad for him that nothing he did, or his sordid stupid decisions are on my mind.. I’m just not on my A game at best a C and I don’t know why..
Well that’s the day I’m sleepy now.. here’s to tomorrow