Not sure it’s getting better, but it doesn’t seem to be getting worse

What is the it exactly? I don’t know what to name it, but it’s the crazy that makes me want to ask truth from my husband about his affair.

When it’s like asking a drug addict what they remember when they are high? Would you believe them?

Kinda but not a whole bunch, their senses are altered.

Now no I don’t buy that my husband was addicted to KB (Happy sucky birthday to you Kendra the Bitch I wish you unhappiness and sadness) but he was so enamored by the feelings of his stupid affair gave him he wasn’t in his right mind.

Like I’ve said before.. whatever I get the wanting to have sex with someone else.. I understand what I don’t understand is being fake, lying to others, and being a hypocrite.

So as I was going to ask my husband another affair question I took the path to there is no honesty back there from him and even some of the things that Bob told me that his wife said what went down, did not go down that way to M and it’s just sad. There is no truth back there from M.

What I know to be true. He didn’t want to leave this family completely. He was not an accountable adult that accepted responsibility for his actions.  He provided financially for our family. He was not faithful to me.

All the details he doesn’t even remember or even know about accuracy. M says one thing, KB says another. Perception from unaccountable adults is shaky and we’re not even just taking about cheaters any adult who does not accept responsibility for their actions is scary company indeed.

So why would I think I can get anything from that time period..

I’m starting to believe I need to leave it there and really only take the good moments I see as good.


but not today going back just screams “Fuck this marriage and the fool you sleep with!” but does it make me cray cray to say that’s all that I have in me when I look back on that time in my life right now?

I don’t want to stab myself, or throw things or make life miserable for me and my kids by going into an unexplainable depression that even I am not sure as to what the hell I am doing?

So there’s growth I suppose.

Today has been well spent time with family. Pizza, swimming, laughter.

I wanted to see a couple we met at Marriage Restore who live in town but it didn’t happen.

I feel odd not connected or disconnected from M.

I talked with one of my sister-in-laws she doesn’t know what has gone on between M and I, but I talked with her about my little suicide mission and why I went to the ward.

She was curious as to why I went there and I told her because M checked out on me. I thought we were building a life together and I thought I could count on him and it didn’t happen.

So I gave up too.

And in saying those words to her.

I realized I could tell someone the pain without sharing the whole story without feeling fake and inauthentic.

I wonder if that is good or not.

It’s been nice in just relaxing with family, but I look forward to being in my home.

I wonder if one day that home, the house we bought together, the house we bought our 3 girls home in, maybe one day that will no longer be my home and I want to cherish the moments there.

I want to give it a good old fashioned hug with my memories and smiles.

I want to invite people over for hot cocoa and coffee.

It’s the first time since this has all happened that I’m excited to go home and that I’ve had a good time away as well.

My Dad will be leaving on Tuesday and he will be missed, but I look forward for him to be in Samoa and to be around our family and enjoy life on the island.

The boy is having attitude problems and I’m looking forward to M and I tackling the growing young man’s attitude because it’s going to take our powers combined to take-on the boy.

He’s getting into a new phase of life and it’s going to take more than what we’ve done in the past to help guide and direct the boy.

I am feeling a new phase of life for the boy, our family, our marriage, and myself.

It’s not a good or bad thing..

I can just see it for what it is.

I know I’m capable of handling this. I know M and I are capable of handling the boy and our individual selves our family. As for our marriage. I’m not sure.

I’m not sure what is going on.

I’m not sure what God is instructing me to do.

but what I am sure of is God is not surprised by this

and I cannot lose by loving and laughing with those I love.

Here’s to tomorrow..









3 thoughts on “Not sure it’s getting better, but it doesn’t seem to be getting worse

  1. I think you are now capable of handling anything that comes your way! Anyone that goes through what an affair throws at them, is indeed very capable!!! Hugs from Joan

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