I ran face first into my door.. I kid you not

M is kind of sleeping in our bed. I suppose my crying and movie watching was too loud so he shut the door. You know what will make me laugh everytime now? Thinking of me all crying and sad walking in the dark to our room to grab my laptop on our bed and I fucking walk right into the door because M closed it..

I do the silliest things.. and I just didn’t feel for the door.

It was pitch black and I face to door it..

But first the tips of my toes hit first and then the face followed.. Thank God for my size 13 feet 🙂

Fucking hilarious.. I needed that laugh.. to laugh at myself.. to just laugh

Because for the evening NH has been just sobbing.. not my “I got punched from the front and back in the heart howling cry” I’m sure there are more of those to come but right now it’s just sobs.

I feel fat and I’m getting fat.. we all know the struggle is real when the jeans are crying for help to button and I’m sad.

I mean the fat part is the least of my worries but you know when life just sucks and your feeling down, or your scared about facing uncertain  situations?

I used to just hug M for the longest time, I used to now I’m going all creepy but really if I could just have crawled inside of him and just hung out I would have. He was a comfort to me. I always wanted us to spend time together. I felt safe in his arms.

I want to feel safe completely and I know I can’t. Can’t just conjure that shit up.. if I could I would and help all our fellow BS’s as well.

I mean sometimes I feel safe now, or good in his arms, but it isn’t the same.

He doesn’t hear the lies in his head. I do..

I hear her voice sometimes and his and I get angry and sad.

And when I feel fat or am getting fat, scared for whatever reason, life’s troubles just keep acoming… I knew M would be there for me, to console me help me get off the crazy train. He used to be the guy. My guy someone I believed who would protect me from harm and from bitch ass friends like a shady motherfucker as KB (I so want to start social media sites with her name and picture and just blast her ass so if anyone looked up her name there it would be a shady woman who will pretend to be a friend, who will gain your trust, love your children and this bitch will just stab her own family in the heart and yours too) You know so I can do a public service to anyone who crosses paths with that stupid cold-hearted bitch.

Who will bring you food, leave presents at your door, accept your gifts, and the bitch is a fucking liar. She’s nobody’s friend, she doesn’t even know how to be a fucking decent person. I mean seriously so many I’ve read OW’s leave the wife alone, stay the fuck away from her. Kendra the Bitch oh no.. she’s all about fucking with the wife too and her whole family as well.

Anyways

I want to feel him again you guys.. I want to hold my husband the one who I could trust, who would hold me when I cry (not that he doesn’t now it’s just different). The guy I fell in love with I’ve been thinking about him tonight and I cry because I miss him and I know what it feels like to be comforted by him. I know what it feels like for M to be NH’s forcefield to the world for a bit.

But that is no longer and I miss it. What I wouldn’t give to hold that guy again. M is always talking about how I relive memories and boy can I relive how I used to feel just being around him, before finding out about all of this.

There isn’t this awkward thing between us. I think the thing is the us we used to be.. now we are more like trying to survive this and hopefully we make it out well. Like an arranged marriage where one isn’t a fan, but there’s hope that maybe all will be well.

I miss the feeling of completely loving the man and feeling secure because I’m scared, angry, and sad all at the same time and feeling fat and ugly lately..

I’m sure my rag is about to start but that doesn’t matter.. fuck if I’m sad and not feeling so awesome about me or life then I still can be sad and cray and would like my husband pre-affair back in my life..

Well here’s to getting some sleep and looking to God for comfort and myself.

❤ NH

 

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26 thoughts on “I ran face first into my door.. I kid you not

  1. I know how you feel. It is so sad when the one who can comfort you the most. The one who is best at healing the hurt… is the one who caused it.

  2. I so get how you feel and what you are going through. The slut my husband had an affair with was once my “friend” as well. She was at the hospital when I had my first child in 2006, and went with me 5 years later to my ob appointment when I found out I was having a baby girl. (little did I know they had already fucked once at that point) . Her kids, her boyfriend, and all of us would have get – togethers often. I hate that she was apart of my life like that and yet was just smiling to my face as she was stabbing me in the back. Thankfully, my womanly instincts started really paying attention to her actions and I slowly distanced myself from her, unfortunately, she then slithered her sleazy self even more close to my weak husband. I would like to see what Kendra looks like, just to put a face to the slut. I too have wanted to post pictures of the ratchet whore who fucked with my life just so people know about her. Yeah, she can be pretty with a shit ton of make-up on but she doesn’t wake-up like that. lol And her character is straight fucking ugly. Don’t be so hard on yourself – you have been through a war. Even if you are gaining weight – some men prefer more cushion for the pushin 😉 Besides, you can always fix a weight problem, you can’t fix inner-ugliness, she (they) will have to live with their trashy selves forever … keep your head up, legs closed, eyes open 😀

    • That was hilarious T head up, legs closed, eyes open LOL!!
      I don’t feel too bad gaining weight it’s just I miss the comfort M used to provide.
      when I feel crappy about myself.. but can’t count on him anymore.. well I don’t feel like I can. He wants me too. it’s strange. ❤

      • My problem is weight loss.
        I have lost 16 km. And was not overweight to start with. May jaw seized up so was difficult to eat. Plus every time of thought of them together I would vomit. That has stopped
        but somehow weight keeps going. Not seeming to digest food. Hard when trying to keep affair secret as people notice Weight loss . I just say am stressed. Dunno why. Look a bit like a refugee camp survive. Also skin is still there so it sort of hangs down. Had to buy a whole lot of new clothes but problem trying to find small enough.
        trying to concentrate on myself. Think
        f I can do that it will be better regardless of whether we stay together or not. Have affirmative on my phone. I am important. I am special. I am loved. Also am wanting to add something abouy being strong. No longer a pushover which i was doing. Have to think about that. Thinking about how the future is in my hands. Want to move out of victim mode and into decider mode. Not survive mode. But it is my life. I will decide my future. I am in charge of it. This helps me with my weight problem also put on a kilo. May help you too???

  3. This post is funny, familiar, and sad. I feel so many things you do…and have thought the very same things…posting pictures of Dianne online…telling people at the hospital what type of person she is. I want to expose her so bad, but as I write this…and thank God I am I have to ask myself…What is my motive? Hatred. Leave room for God to avenge you…YOU are dearly loved by HIM…and he knows how to repay people for their actions and it’s not pretty.
    You look at the outward and maybe it looks like she’s having a good time and maybe she is a sociopath and has no feeling…but no matter she is tormented unless she totally repents and you would see a HUGE miracle happening there, brokenness for what she did…just she shows off and plays the game like they are happy…they are not…her husband doesn’t trust her…she doesn’t bring what he needs into the relationship…RESPECT. With out foundational things God LOVE RESPECT it’s hard to say that a relationship will last, ESPECIALLY if he is tempted. I hope not but you know it well that’s it’s hard not to be tempted by the thought of being with someone else. There won’t be real recovery until there is real life change. Talking about Faker and her husband <—-
    I understand how you feel with your husband and it's awful…the survival mode. Read books with him to help you both heal and move forward honest, it helps…I know that if my husband doesn't stay humble God is going to lead me out and provide for me.
    Love you Girl…onward brave soldier ❤

    • Truth I love how Our Father confirms what he is saying by the company I keep.

      I will have to agree spewing hate towards her through emails, texts, and even spiteful birthday presents is not the way. I would love to say I could get away with sinning without any consequences, but then I’d be as stupid as them.

      Thank you dear sister for confirming ❤ and being a great set of eyes ❤

      • So true, your posts are like a mirror for me, they help me look at myself and as I wrote my reply to your post I seriously did have a revelation of the motives of my own heart as I have really been struggling with wanting to hurt her. Our consequences are far less effective than God’s …he’s first agenda with us is that our heart is right with him…we aren’t to carry the burden of revenge…that’s too heavy and then we have to bear the consequences that our revenge brings on us…God doesn’t want that…the more we look at HIM the more every one has to take at themselves…we draw attention to our own sin and people focus on how wrong we are when we act out…but when we walk in humility they have to look at themselves. There will be times of great hope and feelings of love and times of deep grieving and anger…the highs and lows are horrible…no one can tell you when you will heal…I hope sooner than later.

      • I wanted to say as well…water weight gain is horrible, PMS is horrible, and feeling fat and ugly is HORRIBLE! Green Tea helps with appetite, and dandelion tea is a really good diuretic…I read a bunch about PMS diet no sugar eat a ton of fruit…bananas are filling I eat like 5 a day when I’m craving sugar and I’m hungry…I don’t know maybe more…then I take a good ol laxative at night with sleepy time tea.
        And somehow I fit in coffee as well and lemon water with agave in it…sort of like lemonade? ha
        there I go…direction instruction…blah blah…I like to share what has helped me.
        Anyway I just want to let you know you are a gem ❤

  4. NH, I don’t really understand why the sobbing helps, but it really does,. Don’t fight it. Sit with it and get it out. When I look back and thunk of some of the sounds that came out of me, it seems ridiculous, but I know that when out t stopped I was finally able to move forward. Unfortunately, you go through that for each part of the disaster. Hang in there and keep up the good fight. Hugs.

    • Thanks Jules it’s true I’ve felt a bit better. I think sometimes I need that or I can feel the hurt so intense that I need to cry.. not the I’m going to die cry but just tears and sniffles.
      I’m not used to crying so much. I’ve never really been a fan.. but I have to concur seems to be a part of the disaster for sure..
      ❤ ya 🙂

      • The howling is bad. But seems that it sort of clears you. Run out of howls. Good to run out of howls before the pain is so intense that you would do ANYTHING to stop it.
        i have a lot of thoughts on things i could do to the pond scum. Most i don’t do. Am so pleased i did not send her a dead fish head for Xmas. Have not say painted her car with nasty words. Have bot say painted at all actually. Congratulating myself on that. Have only sent a few texts that i know would hurt her. Very very restrained here.
        But yesterday sent my husband a couple of pictures of her. One of her body and a portrait. Not good ones! said this is what you may be missing. Then sent couple of me saying this is what you almost lost.
        He got the point.
        As I am the person who takes all the pictures have also had a good time going through and eradicating all pictures of her. As far as I am concerned the person that I thought she was did not exist. Leave one or two in where she does not look very good and enhance them to make her look worse. Am removing her from my life. Know I should forgive her but stuff it. Want to fully engage in a bit of hate and revenge for a while. She caused me so much suffering I really would like her to suffer too. But don’t want to ruin my karma. ..each is in pretty good shape so far… too much. ♥♥♥♥

      • Oh hurting I have yet to delete all of her photos on my computer I think I will let him do that. I just can’t it hurts so much I don’t think I will ever be able to. I also need to delete her children as well. that is hard too.
        I want no part in that life ever.. it’s difficult.. I think that’s amazing you can go through the photos.. I a m unable..

      • I only delete the photos which are of her alone doing her cutesy pie acts…remember I said that she bloomed while I withered. She would do all theses cute and adorable poses and I would take pictures! Those have all gone. But what I am doing with the pictures over the last 5 years…not yet printed out is just eliminating her. Not her children or anyone else. I use clone on coral draw and replace her nasty face with the background or whatever. Huge satisfaction in watching it go. Bit by bit it …and only it… disappears. I hate seeing her face. It is hard to look at but so very very satisfying watching it disappear. As if she was never there. Which she wasn’t. Ie the person I thought she was was not there. She is not the person I thought I knew. the person that I thought she was never existed so I am getting rid of her. Does that make sense?

  5. For instance i only have one picture of my masters graduation. In that picture are all my family me and her and one of her kids. I want that picture but not with her. She is looking like the cat that has got the cream. As it was about 10 months after they started screwing I guess she thought she had got it and that he would be leaving me soon.
    I have just eradicated her from the picture. Everyone else is still there. I really enjoyed getting her smug little face out of my picture.
    I have also deleted all pictures of her special anniversary celebrations. Her wedding anniversary. Her birthday parties. I don’t want a record of these. As it happens as I am the photographer there are now no records of them. Serves her right. Moral is that if you are going to try to take someone’s husband make sure that they are not the person who takes all the pictures. But this is what works for me. It obviously may not work for everyone. I feel so betrayed by her. So angry with her treatment of a friend. I want to eradicate her completely from my life but especially from the last 10 years. I can’t get rid of the other 30 years of pictures of us as students, travelling together , early years of marriage etc. I feel so disillusioned. So completely deceived by her. I thought she had morals ethics empathy.
    It is possible that I feel more betrayed by her than by husband as there was nothing wrong with the friendship and love that I gave her so why did she do this to me…and how could she???? And then keep up the friendship for 10 years while trying to destroy me?
    I think you are wonderful. Thank you so much for all your posts.
    ♥♥♥

    • I have been thinking about that thought too. There wasn’t anything wrong with our friendship why the fuck do this bullshit? But I suppose it’s best this way definitely exposes her skanky ass to her husband and family.

      That no one is off limits stupid bitch will fuck with anyone, even someone who cherished her.. Now I just would like her never to exist..

      • Now I just would like her never to exist..

        The person I thought she was never existed.
        Having wasted 43 years giving her love and caring I am so glad to have her out of my life and not to waste any more love and energy on a non existent person.
        ♥♥♥

      • At first I think she thought that she was going to finally ‘get him. Most I got was that she was sorry for the consequences but it was an unavoidable situation. have phoned her. Have text her. Her replies make me feel
        worse. Advised not to that she
        was just feeding off my hurt.
        she made me feel like i was
        the nasty one. Destroying this
        great love that existed
        between them. That it was a
        love that she had never felt
        before and…sob sob…she
        would probably never feel
        again. I got really angry when i
        got a text from her saying that
        i did not understand the hurt
        and pain she was in. Very
        angry reply to that!! I
        have sent some text that i am sure will hurt her. Eg. H has
        not contacted at all since i
        found out. That really hurts
        her. I mentioned about how if her felt this great love for her he would not have dropped her like a dirty rag as soon as possible. Talk about the great love h and i have always felt for each other. How she was just hus floosy. WBut I am realizing that him changing into the kind of guy I always knew he could be is pretty fucking interesting to see.

        hat a wonderful relationship
        we have now

      • By stupid do you mean worthless excuses?
        do you contact her at all?
        do you want to know how she is doing…and hoping it’s badly?

      • Yeah I mean one was like a few months after they got caught in their lies and she was like I now see..

        Bitch!! You now see? Fucker it’s been 2+ years and you now see?? How treacherous and disgusting you are!.. Oh goodness I wish I would have kept her nonsense to show people but those emails are long deleted.. just like her sorry ass..

      • That is amazing. No concept of wrong behaviour till then.
        Wonder what made her think …finally. ..It wrong. Maybe not her at all maybe counselor or her husband.
        probably still the same amoral person.
        so good to have her out of your life.
        ♥♥♥

      • Hell’s to the yeah it’s hard not to question what kind of fucked up person I am to have them both in my life and truly love them and admire them..

        I often feel that she thought my husband loved her more than me. She never told me that, but it’s what I just could feel. She enjoyed my husband’s attention and love. Over the years she saw she was losing the battle I think.. which is sad.. I would hate to waste my precious time on a relationship like her and M had.

      • Their behaviour is not you.
        clearly you are a wonderful trusting person.
        The fact that m such a selfish self centered weak man and she such a self centred amoral two faced bitch is not your problem .
        Is is good that you are a wonderful trusting person. Don’t change yourself or think less of yourself because they have decieved you.
        Important to remain the wonderful trusting person you are. Most people are not like them
        BTW apparently ‘romantic affairs’ happen more often in good relationships than bad.
        You had a good relationship but self centred m needed a bit more of something…. to feel wanted maybe… romance….maybe… and made a bad choice. She was there and willing.
        Take care and stay a wonderful person.

  6. Ignore part from flossy. Think I somehow posted bit from your texts!
    also tell her how great h and mine relationship is now.
    Have tried describing my pain to her but no reply. Have said about how thinking about her.Stumpy legs round h. Makes me vomit. Have been nasty but not as much as i could be. Think pretty restrained. Also have said what a shit mother she is to try to destroy her children’s life.
    Congratulate myself on what I have not said.
    But every so often want her to suffer at least a little portion of what I have. .. and what I went through for 10 years knowing something was up..
    alternate between wanting to hurt her and trying to forgive her…. For my own personal growth. It is very hard. Think if I saw her I would attack her and I am not a physically violent person.
    She has not yet said sorry at all. Most is that she sorry for consequences. Have got that she now accepts some if the responsibility for the affair…before that was acting like a betrayed innocent maid that was seduced against her will. But aside from that does not think about the betrayal of friendship. ..was an unavoidable situation!!!
    Need to

  7. Keep getting out of reply mode.
    was just going to add to above that i need to get her out of my head.
    Completely eradicated from me and all friends.
    As one said…when astounded not only by her behaviour but also by her treatment of me post dday. Will the real …name… Please stand up.

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