M is kind of sleeping in our bed. I suppose my crying and movie watching was too loud so he shut the door. You know what will make me laugh everytime now? Thinking of me all crying and sad walking in the dark to our room to grab my laptop on our bed and I fucking walk right into the door because M closed it..
I do the silliest things.. and I just didn’t feel for the door.
It was pitch black and I face to door it..
But first the tips of my toes hit first and then the face followed.. Thank God for my size 13 feet 🙂
Fucking hilarious.. I needed that laugh.. to laugh at myself.. to just laugh
Because for the evening NH has been just sobbing.. not my “I got punched from the front and back in the heart howling cry” I’m sure there are more of those to come but right now it’s just sobs.
I feel fat and I’m getting fat.. we all know the struggle is real when the jeans are crying for help to button and I’m sad.
I mean the fat part is the least of my worries but you know when life just sucks and your feeling down, or your scared about facing uncertain situations?
I used to just hug M for the longest time, I used to now I’m going all creepy but really if I could just have crawled inside of him and just hung out I would have. He was a comfort to me. I always wanted us to spend time together. I felt safe in his arms.
I want to feel safe completely and I know I can’t. Can’t just conjure that shit up.. if I could I would and help all our fellow BS’s as well.
I mean sometimes I feel safe now, or good in his arms, but it isn’t the same.
He doesn’t hear the lies in his head. I do..
I hear her voice sometimes and his and I get angry and sad.
And when I feel fat or am getting fat, scared for whatever reason, life’s troubles just keep acoming… I knew M would be there for me, to console me help me get off the crazy train. He used to be the guy. My guy someone I believed who would protect me from harm and from bitch ass friends like a shady motherfucker as KB (I so want to start social media sites with her name and picture and just blast her ass so if anyone looked up her name there it would be a shady woman who will pretend to be a friend, who will gain your trust, love your children and this bitch will just stab her own family in the heart and yours too) You know so I can do a public service to anyone who crosses paths with that stupid cold-hearted bitch.
Who will bring you food, leave presents at your door, accept your gifts, and the bitch is a fucking liar. She’s nobody’s friend, she doesn’t even know how to be a fucking decent person. I mean seriously so many I’ve read OW’s leave the wife alone, stay the fuck away from her. Kendra the Bitch oh no.. she’s all about fucking with the wife too and her whole family as well.
I want to feel him again you guys.. I want to hold my husband the one who I could trust, who would hold me when I cry (not that he doesn’t now it’s just different). The guy I fell in love with I’ve been thinking about him tonight and I cry because I miss him and I know what it feels like to be comforted by him. I know what it feels like for M to be NH’s forcefield to the world for a bit.
But that is no longer and I miss it. What I wouldn’t give to hold that guy again. M is always talking about how I relive memories and boy can I relive how I used to feel just being around him, before finding out about all of this.
There isn’t this awkward thing between us. I think the thing is the us we used to be.. now we are more like trying to survive this and hopefully we make it out well. Like an arranged marriage where one isn’t a fan, but there’s hope that maybe all will be well.
I miss the feeling of completely loving the man and feeling secure because I’m scared, angry, and sad all at the same time and feeling fat and ugly lately..
I’m sure my rag is about to start but that doesn’t matter.. fuck if I’m sad and not feeling so awesome about me or life then I still can be sad and cray and would like my husband pre-affair back in my life..
Well here’s to getting some sleep and looking to God for comfort and myself.