I wish I understood how I felt..

M is always pursuing seems even more so now. I would be lying if I said it doesn’t make me happy and that I’m noticing it.

For example when he IM’s and I’m just short with him. Using words fine, okay, yes, no, I get it..

but he engages me, he asks more questions, he doesn’t throw fits and goes downstairs to sleep, or avoid me when I’m in a mood, he is patient, he is kind, and as I type this I cry and wonder is this real?

I don’t mean to be  short it’s just what is now I understand what he was talking about years in our marriage when I asked him for more words and he would say I don’t have any.. And we all know NH is not word deficient by any means, by blog or by mouth for sure.

But as I wonder if this is real I am learning through all of you and again reminded how hard on myself I am. If I am fooled again would it be so bad? Does it mean I am a fool for loving? Does it mean I’m a fool for trusting? Since when did I become part of my own Mafia where loving and trusting is a big No-No or something to look down on myself for.

A good friend of mine told me to stop kicking myself and to try and give myself more compassion and not be so hard on me. So many of you encourage that and I do that my binge-eating and watching movies alone, but we all know that doesn’t change my heart to find compassion for myself.

I suppose I’m looking into that more because if I’m so unmerciful with myself how can I extend any of that to M?

So I’m going to try little things to cut myself some slack.

That’s all for now..

Protected post soon to come


NH

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2 thoughts on “I wish I understood how I felt..

  1. I think you are just protecting yourself. I think taking a cheater back is very difficult and it is no surprise to me that you are running through a huge range of emotions and feelings and want to stay closed off. I binge eat too and one thing that was explained to me by a psychologist is that feelings come up so food is a way to try and push them back down. You are being very real. You could always try to explain that to your husband.

  2. I used to love, and love hard. But now I find myself short with him all the time. Closed off and protected. I figure if I’m short first, then I have the upper hand if he desides to not be nice and understanding and decides to be mean and angry towards me. It’s a stupid game I play, but when I fell so hard and didn’t know who or how to trust, that’s who I became. And I’m ok with it for now.

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