Persistence and Regret.. maybe the the other way around but fuck it I’m not backspacing..

Back in the day when we only had one kid, there were many times the both of us were wondering “Who the fuck did I marry?”

M & I got married pretty quickly just dating, having sex, and enjoying each other’s company at times.

When we got on each other’s nerves it was pretty big on both sides

But we persisted on after we had our son, I think we both knew that the best was for us to be together for that kid and we loved him so. Least I knew that. I did not marry my soulmate not at all and I cannot speak for M so I won’t.

I always thought we survived both being on active duty were huge odds to beat and we did, surviving 16 months apart while he served in Iraq, becoming civilians, having more kids..

Persistence we are fucking persistent I think in just knowledge alone we should have split up years ago. Then M fucking backstabs me for a sorry piece of trash. I get the sex whatever but why couldn’t they both leave me the fuck alone?? I know I probably need to stop asking that question, I suppose I want that story because it makes sense to me. Two people attracted to each other and want to bang while their married.. then fucking leave.

Don’t claim to do nice things for me, claim to love me while your backstabbing me, that’s just some as Bob would put it twisted mind fuckery. And above all don’t pretend we’re friends!! Mother fucker..

But alas as I was all worked up yesterday and the night before. I wanted M to say he’s Sorry for wasting my life. I could have been a great technician anywhere in the world. Having people enjoy my company and sleeping in on the days I don’t have our son. The other girls while I love them very much would not have happened because M & I would no longer exist.

M refused he said we’d been down this path before we already talked about this and he wasn’t going to encourage this thinking..

I was pissed and I regretted marrying him once again and having kids with him and making soup that I got from a recipe book then Pinned it to my soup board. Doing dishes all of this Mom stuff I was made to do better fucking things with my life and TIME!!!

AWWWW!!!!!

I’m pretty sure there isn’t an angry emoticon that would fit my crazy SAMOAN ROAR.. and I’m pretty sure the God I believe in wouldn’t want me doing this fucking nonsense. The homeschooling, training, loving, on all these what I have million kids, the husband who is perfectly capable of backstabbing me and letting another backstab me all for his benefit, FUCK THIS. seriously guys I was like if this is God’s plan this is fucking bullshit this has to be the LAMEST PLAN EVER!!!

And if we are going to talk mistakes? and failures how about the failure of this stupid marriage and my poor choice in a husband. Let’s forget about the bitch and her affair partner.. let’s just go with how NH cannot choose a spouse. Can you turn fucking that around Lord? Huh? Can you? How’s that going to happen? I mean the way I see it unless I go to sleep and wake up back in 2000 I don’t see how this is going to be better!!!

Help me Lord help me turn this mistake in for your glory..

Help me not to fucking lose it and wish I never had my beautiful children..

So after my tantrum.. 1. I fet incredibly icky.. like when you say I don’t love you to someone you really love and you see their face. I think it would be regret. Because I do know God loves me. I am amazingly provided for. I have friends.. Oh thank you Jesus I have friends in real life and online life that encourage and walk this insane journey with me.. whether I invite the crazy in, or have crazy fall upon me..

I am blessed and I regretted being regretful of my life.

This life where Rizzo takes me under her wing, where new friendships arose out of nowhere to lift me up and encourage.

Where I have a husband who would prefer me to be the kind of woman to just only do things to lift up this strange relationship (I want to call it that but it’s really this marriage). He takes my tantrums and instead of bullying me, or flipping out, patiently waits for me to calm down and loves me through it..

I wonder if I’m that little girl still the one who did everything her Daddy told her to do not because she wanted to, but because he’s the only one who loved her and looking back now I see I was afraid to not listen to my Dad, because who else would love me then? My Mom hated me and I never felt like I belonged anywhere. So I grew up with conditional love.

Not blaming my Dad at all, just as a kid how I saw things. And now  I suppose I’m breaking out and testing God, testing my husband because I’m saying well Motherfuckers I’m done what I thought was right! It’s gotten me fucking nowhere! Fuck you, Fuck you this is the way I think things should be done, or I’m just going to be ugly because I fucking feel like it!

In all my ways maybe I should call it Recovering Infidelity Immaturity.. or just Immaturity.. whatever

Because if they stick around then it means something.

When M kisses my forehead after I’ve just said I regret having our kids and our family is fucking lame and apologize for it says “I know your angry and hurt” it shows me he understands.

When God brings someone into my life (yesterday it was Rizzo and Thorn) who speak truth, help me see I’m being ridiculous and can laugh with me. God is for me not against me I am loved no matter how bratty or ungrateful I can be.

And yesterday I felt guilty and wondered if God would leave me. Surely I know M has every right to leave because I know I’m not done, I doubt I’ll ever be with my rage and discontentment over what happened and I’m okay with him leaving. But I’m really questioning and super pissed at God sometimes even though I’m truly blessed. And an evil thought came across that God will stop talking with me, He will stop blessing me, He will leave.

But I spoke truth and I know God doesn’t do that, HE does not change or faulter. I do. God will never leave me or stop loving me, or betray me.

5“The LORD will deliver them up before you, and you shall do to them according to all the commandments which I have commanded you. 6“Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.” Deut. 31:6

Lamentations 3:22
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.


Numbers 23:19

God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?

I know I went all Old Testament this morning which is good I needed to get in some Bible time. I need more of it.

Regret and Persistence

I shall only hope to regret the sins I have committed and pursue the good in my life, the blessings God has given me. (I so wanted to use bestowed upon me but refrained not sure why 🙂 )

Here’s to the day everyone 3/4 are up now..

NH

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Persistence and Regret.. maybe the the other way around but fuck it I’m not backspacing..

  1. Hell, NH, I did find my “soulmate” (gasp, choke, gag – yeah right!) And I can’t fucking heal properly from his betrayal. I am living and finding a way. But this affects me every day. And always will. And full acceptance of that fact took a really long time. And still sucks. Much love x

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