Post-infidelity? When does that become a reality for me? Seems like a nice idea

So I look it up.

When will I ever learn? I so wanted to use the F-word but I’m trying to find better words or thoughts to occupy my mind..

What article stood out?

The famous who have been cheated on. Wow. Celebrities talk cheating

Because it never really matters how much money, education, career, beauty, what matters is integrity.

It was one of our Army Core Values.

I never thought my husband to be so weak, to lie.

And it’s hard because as I press on with this whole family life, sometimes I look at him and feel nothing.

Absolutely empty. I suppose after I write that it seems horrible. What kind of relationship am I running here right?

Well let’s get 1 thing clear I don’t run in doing anything unless a child is hurt, or in danger, even then it’s like a gallop LOL!

2. I’m not sure it’s such a horrible thing. I mean my life I don’t think would be an easier without him.

In fact I would think it to be harder 4 kids, new job, no husband.

I don’t think I would find the love of my life right away either. I mean after 13 years of marriage everything was ripped to shreds. I think I’ve finally decided to just throw away all the marriage cards I tore up and wondered if I should fix them someday.

I’m still healing

I have not forgiven, or moved on from this time in my life completely, but I see signs that there might be hope that might happen someday.

I do not love more or less, I just feel differently.

I am looking at being in this marriage with him as easier to heal with him rather than without him and if that makes me a weirdo, loser, codependent than so be it.

I also know what God has called me to do. My children love their father, and I do too.

The house is being purged of all the clutter nonsense we have kept and never use. I am having a big garage sale.

The articles I once cherished about this marriage the sentiments are gone.

If there was such a thing as time travel I would try  even if it to cost my life to be the first one. But I try not to think of ways I can change the past.

I only have 1 life and while I feel I wasted precious years on a foolish man, and raising a family.

I wait for those crazies to get out of bed, to hold them, smile at them, and train them. All of them capture my heart in such a way that sometimes I find I can’t breathe.

Their Dad and I are such a mess, but I know there is a God when I see the beauty in each of them and I think to myself these kids deserve a way better life. This isn’t the life I wanted for them. I wanted them to grow up with parents who loved each other passionately.

So as I’ve ranted and raved about how I regret this marriage yet again, how my love for M is so drastically different I will say a few positive things about my husband.

I am proud of M for staying and being here for our children and for me.

I can only imagine the constant hill to battle to gain one’s integrity back, when he is questioned about his phone contacts or whatever the case maybe he could be telling the honest truth, and there is much doubt I still have in him. I kind of saw an example yesterday I was questioning him about phone contacts and I could tell he was getting frustrated, even my in-laws were wondering. And I’m sure there’s a little voice in M’s mind that could say “They don’t believe you, why even try”. Which is true I still don’t believe much of what my husband does and says, and I have to fight that feeling alot to not care. However, the fact he doesn’t blow up violently and say FU and throw a tantrum that no one believes him I can imagine can be hard. Holding the tantrum in and knowing he did this damage to himself.

For him to be so loving and patient lately. Seriously so much to the point I think he’s up to something. Whether he does good or bad M can be scrutinized for being human and he seems to be adjusting to this phase in his life without flipping out like he used to. I think that shows a tremendous amount of growth.

I mean let’s face it, NH does not take kindly to liars. I never have. I treat them like there some sort of second class rate. I know not biblical at all, but don’t worry I’m sure anyone reading this can name a boat load of character defects about me.

Time for breakfast

Post-infidelty? I would love to see your face someday.. however I wonder if that is even possible when a spouse stays?

 

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9 thoughts on “Post-infidelity? When does that become a reality for me? Seems like a nice idea

  1. Yes! I’ve figured that the doubt and mistrust and questions (and getting answers to those questions) and rebuilding my/his/our children’s lives and stability certainly wouldn’t be any EASIER without him. He’d be under no obligation – and truly, I’d have little opportunity to question-heckle him lol – if we weren’t married and together, working through this. Agonizing? Yes. But it would be MORE frustrating to not have him to talk to any time I need it. I think so, anyway.

  2. It takes strength to do what we are doing hun. I find comfort in the fact that no matter how many times I told him to leave, he steadfastly refused. I also know that his OW would never care for him in the same way that I do. I think he knew that all along. Yes I feel differently but that doesn’t mean I love him any less. We have been together for 33 years. I think I can safely say that I know him better than she ever will. We are working hard on our relationship and it is a journey that is sometimes very painful but it is worth it. If you didn’t think you had a future with M you wouldn’t still be with him. I wish you all the best x

    • You are so correct ttt. It is the hardest road I have ever been on and I am only on the start at 11 m. So many times I think it would be easier to get off but then I think of all the work that has gone into the last 11 m by both of us and I don’t want some other woman benefiting from all the hard work done. The man Pre dd was a deceitful lying bastard but that was the part of him I had no knowledge of. He is now so calm, caring, honest, compassionate and so much hating his former selfish self-centred self that he says he will never go back to living like he did. The rewards were not worth it.
      The other day I quite bluntly said to my H that I wanted a divorce…sort of just in a passing chat and he burst into tears. I was floored and felt so bad. I meant to say to him that I want a divorce from the old H that was. The liar, the cheat. Etc. I was surprised by his reaction and felt so bad. A life of lies is just such a crap way to live and living a life of truth and honesty is just so much better. He can see that now. I just hope he remembers it when he is next in a situation where he might need to use boundaries.
      What a hard road we are on and I can’t help feeling it will be worth the pain and struggle.

    • While you know I adore you, I definitely disagree with me thinking I have a future with M. I don’t think of any kind of future with M. No anniversaries, nothing. I just live day to day. Might not be my best plan, but I don’t trust him, I don’t believe him to a certain point now and that’s all I have to go off of right now 🙂

      • Sometimes that is all we can do sweetheart. Trust is everything and I don’t know if it possible to get that back totally. During E’s affair it was our silver wedding anniversary. What a joke! I have burned the cards we received and I deleted the photos that he posted on FB. I had to arrange a ‘celebration’ very hastily the day before. He even posted how happy he was on FB. I will never forgive him for that time. Can we ever really forget? I don’t know I suppose we can hope each day gets better. You know M and you know your own heart and I can see where you are coming from on this. Please put your happiness first. Not the childrens or his YOURS. If your are unhappy they will be too. I truly hope things work out for you xx

  3. Well you know I’m with you while you’re on the ride of your life…so many ups and downs…you want to be proud and grateful, act respectfully even though you don’t respect him (gospel). Remember there’s a place in hell for liars so we aren’t really supposed to love lying…it’s one of the worst things people can do. But when we look at ourselves in the Light of the Lord…setting our spouses aside…”what does my heart look like before the Lord? What do I need forgiveness for?” And so like wise we need to walk in forgiveness, just giving the weight of it over to the Lord and not taking vengeance into our own hands and stewing in our anger just waiting for them to get what’s coming to them. That’s what forgiveness is to me…it’s not a denial of what’s going on or what has happened, it’s not trusting them…it’s trusting the Lord. Trust is gained slowly and so easily taken away and that is why it is so precious…and that is why your husband is having to bear the weight of the consequences of his own sin. “You can choose your actions but you can’t choose your consequences.” That’s how the story goes. One thing that stood out to me that you said was “being codependent” if you stay…um no…probably best if you learn how to not be codependent while you are living with your husband. It’s that much more challenging…I have a book on the way…I can’t wait to read “Codependent no more.” I personally think I am codependent…I think I always have been to some degree…I’m always so MOVED emotionally by what others do…so I hope the book helps…but anyways just because you live with your husband does NOT mean that you are codependent or have to be. ❤

      • Women are over-represented in the population defined as “Codependent”. The explanation, according to many experts in the field, is that the traditional female role model “trains” women to be Codependent. Historically, our culture has rewarded women for care-taking and self-sacrificing, qualities which in excess become Codependent traits… a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.

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