So I look it up.
When will I ever learn? I so wanted to use the F-word but I’m trying to find better words or thoughts to occupy my mind..
What article stood out?
The famous who have been cheated on. Wow. Celebrities talk cheating
Because it never really matters how much money, education, career, beauty, what matters is integrity.
It was one of our Army Core Values.
I never thought my husband to be so weak, to lie.
And it’s hard because as I press on with this whole family life, sometimes I look at him and feel nothing.
Absolutely empty. I suppose after I write that it seems horrible. What kind of relationship am I running here right?
Well let’s get 1 thing clear I don’t run in doing anything unless a child is hurt, or in danger, even then it’s like a gallop LOL!
2. I’m not sure it’s such a horrible thing. I mean my life I don’t think would be an easier without him.
In fact I would think it to be harder 4 kids, new job, no husband.
I don’t think I would find the love of my life right away either. I mean after 13 years of marriage everything was ripped to shreds. I think I’ve finally decided to just throw away all the marriage cards I tore up and wondered if I should fix them someday.
I’m still healing
I have not forgiven, or moved on from this time in my life completely, but I see signs that there might be hope that might happen someday.
I do not love more or less, I just feel differently.
I am looking at being in this marriage with him as easier to heal with him rather than without him and if that makes me a weirdo, loser, codependent than so be it.
I also know what God has called me to do. My children love their father, and I do too.
The house is being purged of all the clutter nonsense we have kept and never use. I am having a big garage sale.
The articles I once cherished about this marriage the sentiments are gone.
If there was such a thing as time travel I would try even if it to cost my life to be the first one. But I try not to think of ways I can change the past.
I only have 1 life and while I feel I wasted precious years on a foolish man, and raising a family.
I wait for those crazies to get out of bed, to hold them, smile at them, and train them. All of them capture my heart in such a way that sometimes I find I can’t breathe.
Their Dad and I are such a mess, but I know there is a God when I see the beauty in each of them and I think to myself these kids deserve a way better life. This isn’t the life I wanted for them. I wanted them to grow up with parents who loved each other passionately.
So as I’ve ranted and raved about how I regret this marriage yet again, how my love for M is so drastically different I will say a few positive things about my husband.
I am proud of M for staying and being here for our children and for me.
I can only imagine the constant hill to battle to gain one’s integrity back, when he is questioned about his phone contacts or whatever the case maybe he could be telling the honest truth, and there is much doubt I still have in him. I kind of saw an example yesterday I was questioning him about phone contacts and I could tell he was getting frustrated, even my in-laws were wondering. And I’m sure there’s a little voice in M’s mind that could say “They don’t believe you, why even try”. Which is true I still don’t believe much of what my husband does and says, and I have to fight that feeling alot to not care. However, the fact he doesn’t blow up violently and say FU and throw a tantrum that no one believes him I can imagine can be hard. Holding the tantrum in and knowing he did this damage to himself.
For him to be so loving and patient lately. Seriously so much to the point I think he’s up to something. Whether he does good or bad M can be scrutinized for being human and he seems to be adjusting to this phase in his life without flipping out like he used to. I think that shows a tremendous amount of growth.
I mean let’s face it, NH does not take kindly to liars. I never have. I treat them like there some sort of second class rate. I know not biblical at all, but don’t worry I’m sure anyone reading this can name a boat load of character defects about me.
Time for breakfast
Post-infidelty? I would love to see your face someday.. however I wonder if that is even possible when a spouse stays?