Getting rid of things and The Want to Know

Wow sifting through all of our junk is quite a task.

Finding things I would never consider a trigger, turn out to be quite the problem for me.
Especially birthday presents.

Like my ROK espresso machine.

I was so excited to get it and use it. M and I talked about it and I’m probably going to get rid of it. I look at it and it just reminds me of how sick and dark M could be.

I know he says he meant well. He wanted to get me nice things. It’s difficult for me to see anything he’s ever done for me as nice or loving now. I know throw the baby out with the bath water but it’s true.

How do you backstab someone who loves and trusts you? I’ve lived it many times with my family. They are a boatload of backstabbers I would never think that I could or would have picked one to marry and have kids with.

Yes, yes, he says he isn’t a backstabber anymore. I get it.

Sometimes I view him as that person who just got caught and had horrible consequences to his actions. The consequences were more horrible than the actual action so we just won’t be a liar anymore. But if the consequences weren’t so bad.. well. what’s a piece of pussy that isn’t my wife’s right?

But he wants to be a better person for no one else but God.

I can’t argue with him for that. I mean he obviously cannot count on me. I mean to raise his children yes, but to be his partner for life? At this moment? No. doesn’t matter where I live with him, what we do, what church we go to, who our friends are. M cannot count on me for the long-term future, because I’ve made it very clear I still don’t trust him.

But I admire M for saying that. For pursuing validation from God.

The Holy Spirit tells me I can trust him and as a believer I am probably expected by the world just to go with that, but I don’t. And I know there probably is a good reason for that.

I do love M.

And I’m learning a great deal about how I love and what to do with that information. Also in my walk with Christ. God is my protector, the one who won’t backstab me. I’m still not over the cheating aspect of it all that M has put me through. I know I don’t have to constantly watch over my shoulder because I know God is protecting me. I don’t know where M fits in all of that.

Because I used to see my husband as a protector for me. Not fully because if you think NH is feisty in blogger land then the real deal in person is just as big. No one would look at me or meet me and say that girl needs a man for protection. But being married for 10+ years got me to see, grow, and learn from M.

I thought if a mugger was going to come for me M would have my back.

Turns out he’s proven to turn his back and help the mugger and I couldn’t protect myself because I was in shock.

but now he’s seen that that’s a horrible thing to do and has chosen not to play silently backstab your wife because if she doesn’t know all is well.

He chooses to follow God, it’s so strange because the whole time he was having an affair I thought he was doing what God wanted him to do. I thought M was pursuing a relationship with Christ so much more than he actually did at the time he was keeping secrets from me.

And that is hard to take as well. That I thought I knew my husband.

How does one get to know someone again?

Time? Love? Commitment? Loyalty? The Want to?

I think now through this process I’m starting to think about wanting to get to know M more. I think it’s easy for me to cause more problems like ignore M, basically not care. It’s easy not to talk to him and go about my life in this house with him. It’s hard to put my thinking cap on and notice his efforts. Because I’d be lying to myself and y’all if I said he wasn’t.

Like Rizzo said “That man is a good man NH, He has helped keep his family together”

And I cannot deny, he has

I just think I can identify with M now in saying if I stay in my own little NH bubble not matter if I hate or love in whatever I pursue. I can see how easy it is in my life that M doesn’t have to matter. His dreams, hopes, cares, can easily not matter to me and I’m in La-la fantasy world just like M was, creating my own utopia world in my mind, yet destroying everything else about me.

Which is scary.. always spooky when I can identify that which I condemn.

It’s easier to practice love than hate. I know I’ve found that to be 100% true even with that other person

Here’s to the day this place is a disaster…

and practicing love

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One thought on “Getting rid of things and The Want to Know

  1. DignityandStregth made some very good points on another one of your posts. Her very last question is something I was wondering as well. Is he a Christian? From what I understand on this post your husband was seeking for a relationship with Christ even during the time of the affair. If that’s the case then it seems like he didn’t really have a conviction for God’s word. What I mean, without making judgements, is that we all hear the same things such as bible verses, what’s good or bad over and over again without really feeling or understanding the meaning of it. I think one thing that would help is you both going to a bible based church (usually Christian), if you haven’t already, where you can meet people who are willing to do bible studies with you. I never felt closer to God until I did this and you will find a whole new kind of fulfillment to substitute all those thoughts about the present with thoughts about what could be.

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