I know I’m not the only one..

Okay Okay so I maybe taking Sam Smith’s song a little TOO seriously..

But it’s how I feel.

I will never be the only woman my husband loved or fucked during our marriage.

Does it matter NH?

When seriously I have so much afforded to me?

I want to be the only one. Is that so terrible? I think not.. but once again I am sad about something I cannot change.

I know nothing new.

I suppose I have a hard time accepting it because I fight for what I want and this one? I can’t. There’s no going back, it wasn’t a decision I could make.

How did I get here where my husband drastically is able to change my life for the worse??

Ahh.. I know because I married him only thinking he was able to change my life for the better..

Dammit.. where is a rock I can kick??

That whole tied my horse to the wrong cart analogy is still stuck in my head.

I see M.. I see him do numerous things to please me. I see him sad when he knows there is nothing.

Our life is changing rapidly and drastically with the move.

My heart breaks for the community I have grown to love who has showered me with limitless support and care. For the home if I think hard enough can see our babies  running around here.. taking their first steps.. walking down the halls. the parties we used to have. I want it back.. I know I can’t and I’m working on new wants it’s just difficult

because as I’m processing this move. Our son, our boy is getting older, curious about alcohol (in a healthy way seeing different drinks in a restaurant (at other tables), his peachfuzz, his thoughts and ideas and M & I are being vigilant to spend time with him and question his thoughts without being interrogators. We love our son he’s almost as big as we are now and with the move and moving into a new phase of life with the son..

This relationship, this marriage with M? Just seems unimportant, insignificant.. because you see it’s quite possible to not be in love with your spouse and work together for the greater good of the family. .

Shane contacted me two days ago. I really want to contact him. I’ve written him countless times. We wished each other a happy new year and he never contacted me again. I was fine with that and thought we had moved on. I thought about him every now and again. If he got back with his fiance, how his son was doing, how work was going. Just random things, but I thought it unfair to contact him.

I should have never involved him in my life and yet he helped me get through being in this marriage with a horrible husband who cheated. When M would fly off the handle, or I would, Shane would be there to talk with, video chat with. When I was throwing things and screaming. Dealing with Shane got my mind off of all the nonsense in my life and we laughed without all the mess called my marriage.

A failed relationship of 10 years.

Now this new relationship with M is supposed to take forth and it’s just sad, awkward, and new..

I swear it’s strange how one’s marriage can seem to take the form of some pubescence stage.. where one wants no part in all of the awkwardness but is flung into it full-speed whether I want to or not.

I know I’m not healthy right now I can feel it. Lots of stress with the garage sale that our son ran and did a great job but we didn’t sell nearly enough stuff but I suppose we have more to sell. Lots of stress sorting through things, leaving my friends, our church

We all know I fancy stress about as well as I fancy liars.. or my very own ex-liar..

I do love him though, it’s just different.

I do not know if that is for better or worse.

Till next time.

NH

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5 thoughts on “I know I’m not the only one..

  1. Right there with you sweets…it’s NOT the same. “It’s quite possible to live with someone you’ve fallen out of love with and still work along side of them for the better good of the family.” I wonder if that is a delusion we will end up identifying through this journey…but that is exactly where I am…fallen out of love…I feel awkward and wonder if this is for the “better good” of the family…holding on to some cheap hope (how I feel, not that hope in and of itself is cheap) that maybe my mind will level out and we could maybe fall back in love? I wonder if my husband is up to something…I feel like there’s some sort of guilt in between us…I feel like there is something there that shouldn’t be. I don’t sense intimacy like we had before…I don’t feel like we are moving toward each other…I feel like there is a gap and I will not doubt myself anymore. Women have intuition, even ones whose minds have been thrown for a loop. And I will continue to take it to the Lord. I really wonder if he’s looking at some level of porn…he has “covenant eyes” software on his computer…but you can google good and images come up…even if it’s not that…it’s something. I don’t know what it is and I hate that…but I just feel like I need to wait before the Lord and be still and know that HE is God over it all.
    2 years with your best friend…I don’t know if I could reconcile that one, but I’m not you and I don’t have 10 years of love built up in my heart toward him…that’s a tough one.
    I can’t even piece together a month or 2 or 4 depending if you want to throw in the emotional affair that he didn’t even know he was in at the time, since in his mind he was pouring his issues out to a “lesbian” who was living with her man looking lover, 10 years older than him, and a grandma…but I can’t even piece that together…and then the indulgence in porn.
    Love you dear friend ❤

  2. It does matter NH… it’s so sad that what we had will never be that special. It does matter that our husband’s decided it was ok to cheat. That Sam Smith song brings me to my knees every time I hear it, yet I love it. I guess its some sort of progress that I can actually listen to it and remain upright!

    You matter, your kids matter. We all do. I don’t believe we will ever be what we once were BUT we can try desperately to be something new, to adjust to our new normal… whatever the fuck that is!!

    You’re doing great. xoxo

    • I love the song too.. It makes me cry but everytime I feel it and sing it I find strength in it. Because he knows I know. He knows what kind of fraud he can be.. and while I”m not the only one.. I am the only one for me. I’m better than this marriage. Better than this relationship, but for now the chips lay for me to stay with him and raise these kids. Will I ever love him again? I doubt it. But I really don’t care I am more likely to wonder if I can help our kids grow and love themselves, God, and their mother..
      I’ll take 2/3 as well 🙂 Here’s to another day fighting

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