Okay Okay so I maybe taking Sam Smith’s song a little TOO seriously..
But it’s how I feel.
I will never be the only woman my husband loved or fucked during our marriage.
Does it matter NH?
When seriously I have so much afforded to me?
I want to be the only one. Is that so terrible? I think not.. but once again I am sad about something I cannot change.
I know nothing new.
I suppose I have a hard time accepting it because I fight for what I want and this one? I can’t. There’s no going back, it wasn’t a decision I could make.
How did I get here where my husband drastically is able to change my life for the worse??
Ahh.. I know because I married him only thinking he was able to change my life for the better..
Dammit.. where is a rock I can kick??
That whole tied my horse to the wrong cart analogy is still stuck in my head.
I see M.. I see him do numerous things to please me. I see him sad when he knows there is nothing.
Our life is changing rapidly and drastically with the move.
My heart breaks for the community I have grown to love who has showered me with limitless support and care. For the home if I think hard enough can see our babies running around here.. taking their first steps.. walking down the halls. the parties we used to have. I want it back.. I know I can’t and I’m working on new wants it’s just difficult
because as I’m processing this move. Our son, our boy is getting older, curious about alcohol (in a healthy way seeing different drinks in a restaurant (at other tables), his peachfuzz, his thoughts and ideas and M & I are being vigilant to spend time with him and question his thoughts without being interrogators. We love our son he’s almost as big as we are now and with the move and moving into a new phase of life with the son..
This relationship, this marriage with M? Just seems unimportant, insignificant.. because you see it’s quite possible to not be in love with your spouse and work together for the greater good of the family. .
Shane contacted me two days ago. I really want to contact him. I’ve written him countless times. We wished each other a happy new year and he never contacted me again. I was fine with that and thought we had moved on. I thought about him every now and again. If he got back with his fiance, how his son was doing, how work was going. Just random things, but I thought it unfair to contact him.
I should have never involved him in my life and yet he helped me get through being in this marriage with a horrible husband who cheated. When M would fly off the handle, or I would, Shane would be there to talk with, video chat with. When I was throwing things and screaming. Dealing with Shane got my mind off of all the nonsense in my life and we laughed without all the mess called my marriage.
A failed relationship of 10 years.
Now this new relationship with M is supposed to take forth and it’s just sad, awkward, and new..
I swear it’s strange how one’s marriage can seem to take the form of some pubescence stage.. where one wants no part in all of the awkwardness but is flung into it full-speed whether I want to or not.
I know I’m not healthy right now I can feel it. Lots of stress with the garage sale that our son ran and did a great job but we didn’t sell nearly enough stuff but I suppose we have more to sell. Lots of stress sorting through things, leaving my friends, our church
We all know I fancy stress about as well as I fancy liars.. or my very own ex-liar..
I do love him though, it’s just different.
I do not know if that is for better or worse.
Till next time.